LOL: Thou shalt not misuse the word literally.

by BERN MORLEY

To be honest, the last time I had a good look at the 10 Commandments was probably around the same time I was getting ready for my Holy Communion circa 1983. I was what, 8? That was the first time I’d heard “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife” and “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s goods” and I was all like “why on earth would I desire old Mrs Fowler or her rubbish television?”

Then there was all this talk about sin and first confessions. How much could I possibly have sinned at age 8? I hadn’t kissed a boy because they STANK. I didn’t know how to swear, I was, to the best of my knowledge, honouring my mother and father and at that stage, had yet to even take the Lord’s name in vain.

I mean Christ on a bike, I had to make up my first ever confession because I had NOTHING. From memory I made up some story about fighting with my brother (which I’m pretty sure to this day, still won’t get me sent to hell) did 10 Hail Marys and I was good to go.

Anyway, this is really a long winded way of saying, in my world of now very apathetic religion, I thought I might nut out a few new Commandments that might be relevant in this modern society.

1. Thou shalt not misuse the word ‘literally’.

 

2.Thou shalt not play a new song so many times on the radio in a 24 hour period that people can no longer stand it.

3. Thou shalt not be a big deal if two people of the same sex want to get married.

4. Thou shalt not talk about fight club.

 

5. Thou shalt not drive in a bus lane. Unless of course, you are a BUS.

6. Thou shalt not fail to acknowledge being let into traffic.

7. Thou shalt not vaguebook. Just tell Barry you hate his guts and GET ON WITH IT.

We wonder who these 'people' are?

This Vaguebooker can't sleep... but it takes a few comments before they reveal why.

ALL the fuckers. Anonymous and vague fuckers, of course.

Liars and thiefs. Who are they?

Damn, those 'skanky ass bitches and their queer boyfriends' are always stirring up trouble.

This Vaguebooker is sick. And tired. Got it?

We're kinda glad this didn't get any likes...

This person wrote: 'hates it when someone wants to play games. It pisses me off. At least I know what

'I feel GREAT right now... I got the closure I needed & a certain someone will never ever cause me any emotional pain and get pleasure out of it ever again... It feels like the dagger has been taken out of my heart and back... But what can I say? Jealousy and envy are sick, sick, incurable diseases.'

'Was having a great night til someone went and ruined it... thanks by the way. Now I am exhausted but too pissed off and a bit hurt to sleep. It'll be okay though! I get to see my family tomorrow! SO EXCITED!

'Florida drivers suck! Poor Carmen - we'll get you fixed up and back to new.' It turns out that 'Carmen' was someone's car...

This Facebooker 'is in the mood to slap someone in the face with a butcher knife.' Ouch.

You don't want to ask this Vaguebooker what they think of you...

You wouldn't want to be this guy: 'I may not be the hottest bitch around but I got skills you wish your women had!'

The dangers of Vaguebooking: when someone thinks that they're the person in question... but they haven't actually been defriended.

 

8. Thou shalt not EVER interpretive dance to a Gotye song.

9. Thou shalt not use the words “rando” or “cray cray” if you are over 35.

10. Thou shalt not kill someone over the result of a football match. Hey guys! It’s a game. Get a grip.

Feel free to add your own.

PS, this is tongue in cheek so

a) apologies if you are deeply religious and

b) nope that’s it, just sorry.

This was originally published on Bern’s blog here and has been republished with full permission.

Bern is a Gen X, child of the 80′s. Kept busy being a working mother of 3 children,  she writes beautiful and amusing posts on her blog which you can find here.

Have you got any commandments to add to the list?