I’m now 29 and have three kids with my wife who carried and birthed them all like a pro.
Here’s what I would tell my childless 20-year-old self about how to be a supportive partner during the “becoming parents” phase:
1. Wifey carried baby IN her belly for nine months. So you carry baby ON your belly for nine months every chance you get. Not only does it help her recover but it bonds you to your kid more than imaginable.
2. Wifey is breastfeeding and — while beautiful and fulfilling for her — it’s exhausting. So you change EVERY diaper you can. From diaper #1 onward. You will get over the grossness fast. And you will prevent imbalances and resentment in the relationship; in fact, when all your wife’s friends are complaining about how absent and unsupportive their husbands are, your wife will be bragging about you.
3. Make her the decaf coffee every morning. Even if she leaves it cold and forgets to drink it most mornings because she falls back asleep while you’re working or (later) taking the kids to school. She was up all night feeding the baby so help start her day in a way that helps her reset.
4. Tell her she is beautiful and help her see that in the moments when she is feeling most self-critical and hopeless about her body. Remind her of times when she achieved goals in the past. Remind her she is a superhero. She literally just moved all her organs around and gained 20 kilograms to give you a child that will be a gift to you for the rest of your life. Help her see past her body image issues and stay focused on a positive goal, one day at a time.
5. Take the heat. Hormones are crazy, both pre and post-birth. She won’t seem like herself every day and sometimes she will say things she wouldn’t say if she didn’t feel like she was hungover, caffeinated, and on steroids every day. Remember your job is to be her rock through all of this, so toughen up and keep perspective when her tongue is sharper than you know her best self intends. Normal will return soon and you want her to be grateful that you kept it together when she wasn’t, not resentful and disappointed that you hijacked her emotions by making her problems yours.
Continue reading other advice Ted would tell his 24-year-old self in this Instagram post.
This post was republished with full permission.
Ted Gonder is a dad of three boys with his wife, Franzi, and you can follow him on Instagram here.
Top Comments
Still doesn't sound like he's putting in 50% of the unpaid domestic work. Doing the nappies, holding the kid for nine months (nine months only? what happens after that?) and making wifey a cup of coffee every morning is nice, but how about the rest of the hard yakka? This is kind of bare minimum contribution - hardly something worthy of "bragging about".
I think you're being a little harsh. The nine month comment was in contrast to the wife carrying the baby for 9 months.
Doing ALL the nappies they can, not too many people do all of them.
It's not a list of the only things he does, its a list of the 'extra'.
I wrote a comment that about what I didn't like about the article, but it didn't get through. Mostly what concerned me is he didn't really say what his wife wanted. Reads like virtue signalling to me.
Yeah, I read it as virtue signaling, too - didn't explain myself well in the previous comment. My point was more that he is describing a relatively meagre list of things and underlining just how "lucky" his wife feels and how much lavish praise that should justify. Men should not be disproportionately celebrated for simply being considerate to their partners and for contributing to the raising of their own child - these should be universal expectations! Women don't get a ticker tape parade for doing exactly the same thing.
Yes, I would agree with most of that.