All of me is conflicted over John Legend and Chrissy Teigen's rather large property in Beverly Hills.
You see, this week the pair let Architectural Digest inside their brand new family home and I was overjoyed because I am a big fan of both Legend, who is one of the most talented musicians on the planet and Teigen, who happens to be a very good tweeter (and a controversial one, too).
Nonetheless, when I was notified about the new house tour, I immediately dropped everything I was doing to watch it (I hope my boss doesn't read this, because it did happen to go live at 3pm on a Thursday).
But afterwards, I just felt... empty. Conflicted. Lost.
Watch Chrissy Teigen give a tour of her... other house... Post continues after video.
There's just so... much... stuff. And a lot of it is good stuff. And none of it looks bad. Yet still, I feel unhappy.
Or perhaps just jealous.
Allow me to explain.
First, the pair show us their living room, which they have decorated with a couch that is made from outdoor materials because kids are grubby. There was no further explanation needed.
Is it gorgeous? Undeniably so.
But does it look comfortable? Absolutely not.
Could I spend my Saturdays on that couch vegging out? Technically yes.
But would I enjoy it? Probably not.
I'd have to try it out for myself to confirm (Chrissy babe, feel free to give me a call and we can tee something up).
Next, they show us the kitchen which is every bit as dreamy as one could imagine.
Four ovens. A built-in espresso machine. A fridge that hides behind cabinet doors. A marble island — but not the kind of marble normal people can get from Bunnings. Of course not. Rather, the non-normal people kind that the elite buy from a furniture maker who lives on the outskirts of a wine valley in Italy.
Basic stuff.
Teigen makes it clear this is the type of kitchen that isn't "precious" and I appreciate their humility but please, don't treat me like a moron.
Then the couple shows us the next room, which has a feature everyone probably has in their home: a "piano bar."
Yes, it's just as ludicrous as it sounds.
On display is Legend and Teigen's countless awards. There's a "Mac & Cheese" Award, a "Best Chair Sitter" Award and then a few rando Grammys but they're not worth naming because in the corner is a GRAND PIANO THAT IS LARGER THAN MY BED.
And then LEGEND PLAYS SAID PIANO. And I can't help but develop a tiny, uncomfortable feeling in the base of my chest.
It's the same one that's been there for the entirety of this house tour.
Oh, yes. It's jealousy.
If it isn't clear already, the couple has a weird infatuation with weirdly shaped objects. Their chairs are not normal chairs. Neither is their dining table or their lamps. Not even their taps look normal.
Because they are abstract.
But despite all that — all the absurdly expensive furniture and perfectly curated art and rounded walls — I then spot possibly the most rich-person thing I've ever seen, and it is the fake olive tree right in the middle of their "great room".
"It's not alive now," Legend says. "It still looks and feels real but it's not alive. It was formally alive. We embalmed it."
And yeah no, that definitely does make sense.
There is a dining table that no one sits at which is entirely relatable because I also have a dining table (I don't) that I never use (I can't fit one in my apartment).
They didn't like the fireplace there before because it looked "fake and cheesy" so they ripped it out and added a plastic butterfly wing installation in its place, of course.
Next up is the bedroom of Legend and Teigen's seven-year-old daughter, Luna.
It could also be confused for a McDonald's Playground because there is a slide, a pool full of plastic balls and a staircase that looks like it was made of marshmallows.
Their five-year-old son Miles also has a bedroom but compared to Luna's own room, it could be mistaken for the coat closet.
Of course, there's a movie theatre. And don't be stupid because obviously they don't have normal chairs.
Instead, there are beanbag-looking sofas shaped like chewed gum.
(No, I'm not jealous. Why? Do I sound bitter or something?)
There are so many other rooms but I can't stop thinking about Teigen and Legend's master bedroom.
Quite honestly, it's perfect. Earthy and warm and cosy. A bit clinical but that seems to be what they were going for considering Teigen has a space specifically dedicated to her therapy sessions in their bedroom.
Their mattress looks very thin, but I can look past it because I can imagine they know better than I do (but probably not).
They also have a master bathroom built for a king but it is very boring and rich-looking so I'll just skate past that and jump right into their pool, which I happen to believe Ian Thorpe would approve of.
I'm not particularly fussed about this house, because based on Teigen and Legend's track record, they'll be moved out within the next 5-10 years... and then it will be mine.
And... that's it. Kind of. There's much more, which you can watch in their full house tour on Architectural Digest here:
Feature Image: Architectural Digest/Getty/Mamamia.
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