When historians look back on 2019, they’ll see some sh*t.
They’ll write about narcissistic presidents, Brexit, and the rise of a strange app known as ‘the Tik Tok’.
But then they’ll see this:
Then this:
Then this:
And they won't... understand.
Because according to their scans, there was no sudden, collective human brain fart that hit in 2019, causing everyone to dress in clothes that made no sense.
These people did it by choice.
They had money. And (relative) freedom. And clothes already in their wardrobes. But in 2019, people spent actual money buying clothes that assaulted the eyes of the general public.
So here, I will compile a list of the worst fashion trends of this year, so that in the future, it will be known that I did not condone what happened. I knew.
Festival chaps.
There is no function - practical or otherwise - for these two strips of fabric pretending to be pants:
I know, because for reasons that are wildly unclear in hindsight, I bought them, and wore them for a day.
Watch: That time I tried festival chaps. Post continues after video.
My conclusion was that they're... terrible.
Denim undies.
Earlier this year, trendy Paris brand Y/Project announced that yes, they would be selling denim undies.
And yes, they would cost close to $500 Australian dollars.
Perhaps even more bizarre than the concept of denim undies was that the featured model was wearing a work-style long sleeved shirt and heels, as though her outfit was... complete.
It should be noted that combined, the chaps and the denim undies make a complete outfit. Ugly, of course. But complete. Which is important.
Bike shorts as pants (with blazers?)
I think I blame Kim Kardashian but honestly I can't be sure.
I swear one day she wore bike shorts by accident because she had no clean pants and next minute, this was everywhere:
The worst part is... COOL PEOPLE LOOK GOOD IN BIKE SHORTS AS SEMI-FORMAL WEAR AND I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT OPINION.
The clit-hammock bikini.
This was a bad time.
You see, earlier this year fashion retailer Beginning Boutique started selling high-waisted bikini bottoms that seemed to ignore a fundamental reality about female genitalia: that it... exists.
What ensued was the greatest comment thread of our time, including such iconic commentary as:
"I had a less intrusive smear test today."
"You’re going to need 2 of these love. One for the lefty and one for the righty."
"Hmm, nice clit hammock. Sell anything for women with vaginas?"
"I can't even sit like this in a normal bathing suit without my camel trying to stick its toe out and test the water."
Still, the fact this bikini exists suggests that at least one person... bought it. With real money. Which should be a crime.
See-through pants.
It suddenly became acceptable for people to wear what I will henceforth call: glad wrap pants.
They... stick. To... flesh. And are also completely see-through so don't serve the purpose of pants.
I like that this one at least has a matching jacket so YOU WON'T GET COLD WHILE YOU'RE OUT IN PUBLIC WEARING ACTUAL PLASTIC.
Goat shoes.
In January, at the Golden Globes, a man stepped out on the red carpet.
Things seemed fine. Unexceptional. Then people noticed his shoes. Or, more specifically, his goat shoes.
They're called goat shoes, obviously, because they make your feet look like goat feet. Technically, they're the Tabi boot from luxury French fashion house Maison Margiela, and they cost almost $1400 Australian dollars.
To look like goat feet.
They're trolling us all.
Really, really big sneakers.
Speaking of shoes trolling us, these:
The shoes are so large, they make the model look like she's been... minimised. On the... computer.
There's simply too much shoe. No one needs that much shoe. I imagine they'd be heavy and bulky and get stuck in various locations as you walk. Not to mention, they'd weigh down your legs and imagine if you wanted to change pants without taking off your shoes, WHAT THEN?
Latex.
There's latex, and then there's a terribly cheap fabric pretending to be latex.
When you're a Kardashian, you can afford real latex, and it's very tight and looks flattering because you have the body of a... Kardashian.
But then there's the rest of us.
Including me, who tried the latex trend, and ended up looking like this:
It's sweaty, sticky and it most definitely doesn't fit.
The half blazer.
Sometimes you want to look corporate while also showing your bra.
The half blazer is perfect for such occasions.
I like that it has buttons when HALF OF IT IS MISSING.
I can't think of a situation where this would be appropriate attire, unless you couldn't decide if you wanted to go to the beach or go to work, so you decided to do both. Simultaneously.
Micro bags.
Look.
Throughout 2019, there were some rogue bags that were getting ridiculously small. But then in November, singer-songwriter Lizzo arrived at the American Music Awards with this:
It's... absurd.
WHY IS IT SO SMALL WHAT IS IT MEANT TO HOLD - A SINGLE PIECE OF GUM? A TIC TAC? WHAT?
The buckle bikini.
If the clit-hammock bikini wasn't... enough for your vulva, 2019 also introduced us to the buckle bikini:
It's disturbing because a) it holds your private parts in solely with buckles that look like they could easily be unclipped, and b) there's gaping in crucial areas.
If anyone tries to tell you 2019 was uneventful, please show them this.
Because fashion went and shat all over us, and years from now, we'll be hanging our heads in shame.
For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.
Top Comments
I must move in different circles as last year the only place i saw women wear such things was on this page.Surely women are more intelligent than to blindly go out and copy such things.maybe not as Ive said before get a kardashian to wear it and some women will flock to it.