How long into dating someone would you kiss them? After the first date? Maybe on date number five? What about three months?... That is exactly what viral dating expert and author of the workbook No More Assholes, Chantal Heide says to do.
After an interview with the popular TikTok account The Library Show, Heide's traditionally controversial yet socially modern dating strategies took off. In particular — her dating workbook.
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No More Assholes is a dating advice book that's filled with actionable practices. It came to life after Heide did a seminar on dating and relationships.
Speaking with Mamamia, Heidie says, "I had no idea what the book was going to be... When I was 41 years old, I was 20 years into my stripping career, looking at my body and going, 'You know what, this is 41 years old. Now, maybe it's time to age out.' So I asked myself, 'What am I already doing that I love?' And the answer was giving advice.
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"In the dressing room with the girls on the floor with the customers, I was often helping them through problems. So, I became a dating and relationship coach. I wrote a seminar and as soon as I was done writing that seminar, the voice in my head said, 'That's your book.' So I took everything that was in the seminar, and I put it in No More Assholes."
There's a particular section in the book that has had readers hooked on its concept. It's called the 'no kissing for three months' (or 90 days) rule. The title of the rule is exactly what it's about.
Heide suggests that in order to create fulfilling and lasting relationships, you shouldn't show exclusivity towards the person you're dating. That includes kissing and sex.
Speaking on how she came up with the rule, Heide said that it came from analysing her own dating patterns.
"I thought about my own behaviours, and how I proceed when I kiss somebody, and when someone else says, 'Can I take you out?' I say, 'No, I'm seeing someone.' It really struck me that I was giving exclusivity too early... Why am I rejecting somebody because of the kiss?
As someone who was well into the dating scene at one point, my biggest concern was how do you actually tell the person you're dating that you want to wait for 90 days before kissing them?
"There are two conversations that are really important on the first date," Heide says, explaining the first is a fundamental values conversation.
"These are the things that you want in your relationship that you don't want to live without and if you do, you're going to resent it," she says. "If you want to get married, but they don't, that's a huge source of conflict, you'll resent them if you don't get married, bending to their will. If you want kids, and they don't, you'll resent them every time you see somebody with kids and you wish you had your own."
Heide suggests asking: 'Hey, I just want to make it clear, I'm really intent on getting married and having two kids. I'm 25 right now, I want to do this by the time I'm 35, What about you?'
She also recommends owning yourself, knowing what you want, presenting it and then throwing the ball back at them.
"If they say, 'Oh, well, you know, I don't know...' Walk away," she says. "[You're] not here to convince somebody to want what [you] want. If they're not your match, I don't recommend wasting your time."
If you're aligned and you want to see them again, Heide says now is the time to have the second conversations.
"You want to have the 'no kissing for three' months conversation before they move in for a kiss, because if you don't it's rejection," she says.
Heide suggests saying: 'I just want to let you know I'm using a 'no kissing for three months' rule because I really want to make sure I choose the right person and I don't know who someone is until I've known them for at least three months.'
Heide goes on to explain why we put so much value into a kiss.
"We talk a lot about our biology, we know about estrogen, testosterone, serotonin, dopamine, every single thing your body does is a chemical reaction right down to the sweat that comes out of your skin. Why aren't we talking about what happens with the kisses?
"I know what happens in my nose and my eyes and my ears. But we're not talking about the kiss... Those kisses create a chemical that is amphetamines. Those are drugs. So if you go to a club, are you covering your drink, because you don't want to get drugged and taken advantage of? Yeah, but a kiss before you know who they are is the drug that takes advantage of you. So I took it away."
So what happens when this 90 day rule is put into practice? According to the comments on Heide's TikTok account, a lot of good things.
On a video that has amassed over 83K views, Heide has hundreds of comments of people sharing their experiences of following the no kissing rule.
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"The 90 day rule has helped me focus my energy on kinder men, and my dating life has become so much easier."
"Yes, I did and best decision ever! Three months no kissing, other intimacy longer than three months and the most committed, devoted man I’ve been with."
"This three month rule has helped me weed out red flaggers! I have more energy now not staying stuck in bad relationships."
These are a few of the many comments that stand by Heide's advice.
Personally, this 90 day rule has inspired me to not exactly try the three month no kissing rule (as yet), but I have discussed deeper topics about what I want out of dating right at the start so I'm not wasting either of our time.
What are your thoughts on the three month no kissing rule? Tell us in the comments below.
If you want more culture opinions by Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.
Feature image: TikTok/@canadasdatingcoach
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Top Comments
This isn't a new thing, I started dating a girl in October 2020, and she waited until New Years' Eve to finally kiss me back, and the insecurity was real - when we finally had sex, it was so awkward, and took a few attempts to find our rhythm, but I was gaslit into thinking a lack of affection was normal. I've since found humans that love me more freely.
Remember folks, if you withhold affection from someone you're dating, don't be surprised if you are not enough for them. Don't force affection, but don't withhold it either - be organic and authentic instead, whether that's the first date, or the third, or the first month, or the third - but if there's no chemistry end it sooner rather than later.