Mia
by MIA FREEDMAN
The woman outside the supermarket had something to say to my father. She marched over to him angrily with her face full of disdain. “How can you keep your child on a leash?” she exclaimed, gesturing to the tethered toddler trotting happily beside him. “Children are people! Not dogs! What a disgrace!”
Taking a deep breath, my father patiently explained why his recalcitrant daughter was attached to a harness. Except not patiently. “Would you prefer me to let her run onto the road?” he replied. “How about I mind my child and you mind your own business.”
Multiple leashes. For the advanced parent.
The kid on the end of that leash was me, of course. You see, I was a mad dasher. I don’t recall being leashed and it’s never come up in therapy so I assume any emotional damage was negligible. As opposed to the physical damage involved in running into traffic.
As a parent myself now, I’ve given the leash thing a whirl with each of my own kids although these days they’re innocuously cute backpacks in the shape of puppies and monkeys whose long tails that parents can hold. People still go a bit nuts about leashes though. They’re polarising.
Personally, my view is that there are far worse things a parent can do to their child than be so concerned for their safety that they go to the trouble of buying a leash and getting their kid to wear it.
But it’s not just runaway toddlers being leashed. Today, mobile phones are the new leash, tethering older kids and even teenagers to their parents for better and worse.
I have lots of friends deciding whether to buy phones for their kids at the moment. Over dinner recently, my eyes were rolling as one close friend explained why her 10yo daughter wouldn’t be getting one. “We’ve found the nearest public phones near school and home and she always has the right change. We’ve discussed different ways to ask for help if she needs it; going into a shop, looking for a police officer….it’s how we grew up and we were fine.
“But life is different now!” I spluttered. “There’s no point in teaching kids to use a public phone in 2012! That’s about as useful as knowing how to make a mixed tape from the radio!”
But finally, something went ka-ching and I got her point. Teaching kids to use their judgement and problem solving skills is not just about using a pay phone. It’s about learning how to get themselves out of trouble and using critical thought to make a decision, the same skills they’ll need one day to decide whether to get in a car with a wobbly driver after a party.
We gave our eldest son an old phone when he was about 11. I was keen for him to have one, not for his convenience but for mine.
Our life is busy and unpredictable and I am often disorganised, unprepared and forgetful. Like many working families, our childcare arrangements are an intricate house of cards held up with string, some spit and several crossed fingers.
It collapses all the time. Pick-ups and drop-offs are a movable feast, if by feast you mean shambles. Once they reach a certain age, I find much of the logistical side of parenting happens via mobile. Arrangements change, traffic is unpredictable, kids forget to tell you where they are – and mobiles help you navigate that more flexibly.
They can also help ease a tween or teen’s move towards independence. Frankly, I like knowing where my teenager is and being able to reach him 24/7. And him me. But is that true independence? Are mobile phones the new leash?
Schools have different rules. Some insist students hand in their mobile phones at the start of the day while others expect them to take responsibility and carry them around.
Run, baby, run.
Happily, my son’s school is the latter. I sometimes find myself texting him during the day and feeling irritated when he doesn’t reply straight away. Oh that’s right, I eventually remember. It’s 2pm and he’s in class. Being educated.
So what are kids missing out on by being tethered to us by their phones? One friend’s son regularly forgets his house keys. But instead of sucking it up on the doorstep until someone comes home, he just uses his phone to call his parents or grandparents who come to his rescue every time. No consequences.
Another friend worries about life skills. “My 12 year old got off at the wrong bus stop the other day and immediately called my husband to come pick her even though she wasn’t far from home. She knows the area. It was daylight and she could have worked out where she was and navigated a safe route home. But she didn’t need to do that because she knew we’d come and save her. Our kids just aren’t learning to navigate daily life like we did because phones fix every problem. You no longer have to seek information from actual people, you just hit speed dial.”
I have a hundred benign memories of waiting for my parents to pick me up. They were often late. And I waited. Along with all the other kids who were waiting. Parents have been late for centuries. Children have coped. But now I can guarantee I’ll have a text message or missed call from my teenager 30 seconds after our agreed pick-up time – to see where I am.
Who’s on the leash again?
Does your son or daughter have a mobile phone? Would you give them one? When did you get a phone?
Comments
273 Comments so far
Not into leads for kids – used my hands for my three kids. Now my youngest is 3 he knows he has to hold someone’s hand when he gets out of the car – he usually chooses his 11 year old sister. As for phones – my ten year old got a phone when she started catching the school bus for school. You don’t actually have to rescue them if they call you as she did recently having forgotten to put on her tie… And she sorted it out. She goes for bike rides and walks on her own or with friends and if something does happen (like a stack on her bike) she can call us for help. I think it increases her independence.
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ok look i dont mind this but if u want everyone staring at ur kid and go hey look theirs a new dog in town!!! its the toddlers mother to deal with it!!!
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Phones in class are soo distracting. Honestly, please don’t text your kids during class. Just try and text them at lunch, recess or after school.
My friends and I all had business studies for 3 hours on Wednesdays afternoons. We were spread between three classes but texted each other the whole way through each class for 2 straight years. I learnt absolutely nothing and we all just passed.
Its frustrating for the teachers and your kids do not need any more distractions in class! there are 29 kids in that class to compete with PLUS every person on your contact list….
If your kids got a smart phone with the net, chances of them paying attention are slim to none!
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Great article. I was leashed as a child and it did me no harm, probably saved me from being hit by a car. And I did fine without mobiles and my parents wouldn’t cater to my every whim and I think it made me a stronger, more independent person.
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I, too, was leashed for a while as a kid. I don’t remember it. Apparently I stood up at 8 months and immediately RAN – all the time, everywhere. My Mum was frantic. Outside our safely-fenced house and yard, she HAD to leash me to protect me, as she was first heavily pregnant and then carrying a baby. So, yeah, I’m fine with it. As for mobile phones, I can see both sides of that particular argument… I just know my parents would NEVER have let me have one until I could buy it myself. I do agree that teaching kids self-reliance and figuring out what to do is important.
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My eldest (14 year old boy) is busting for a phone. I tell him to get his friends to call him on the home phone. Or call them on their home phones. That apparently isn’t cool. But obviously he doesn’t need to talk to them, otherwise the home phone would be good enough.
So no phone yet. Hoping we can last until he gets a part time job and can pay for it himself.
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We recently took our twin toddlers (16-17 months) to Europe. We packed child harnesses with us but we didn’t find them particularly useful. It’s impossible to steer a child with them and it seems that our tots have taken lessons from Gandhi on the tactics of passive resistance; if they didn’t want to walk in the right direction, they’d just lie down on the ground!
I found holding their hands to be much more effective and while there are two of them, they also have two parents, each of whom also has two hands.
But if other people find the harnesses useful and it saves children from being run over or drowning or any other calamity, then go for it. The second rule of parenting is: Do what works. (The first rule is: Love your child and show them you love them).
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My mother used to tie us into bed when we were under five (so that we wouldn’t fall out of bed). Essentially she had a rope that went around the mattress, and a harness on us. The harness was clipped to the rope so we could move up and down the bed, but not fall out.
(Or get up in the night and ‘annoy’ her!) I guess they could have built a wall instead, but oh well. I only remember because I’m the oldest one, and I remember it happening to the younger kids. They don’t remember.
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That’s hilarious!
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Just out of curiousity….
For all those parents singing the praises of restraining a child with a leash, stating that it’s for safety purposes….when do you stop using one?
You all talk about children running off unexpectantly, surely the first time you choose not to use the leash, after the child becoming accustomed to it, isn’t there just as great of chance (if not more) of the child running off? If the child is too young to understand instruction, wouldn’t they be in a sling or pram?
A lot of the comments made by parents on here state that the leash hasn’t necessarily been used on all of their children, so is it a personality thing? How do you stop a runner being a runner in order not to keep using a leash?
At what age is using a leash innappropriate?
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Mia, you raise an interesting point about Parents on leashes – that you sometimes text your child while he is at school.
As a secondary school teacher, I am absolutely astounded by the amount of times parents call their kids whilst in school hours. Students attempt to answer their phone in class, and tell me that it’s their mum/dad (although sometimes they are clever and use this as a cover for their friend). Most of the time I take the phone off them, answer it and then have a quick conversation with the parent that it is not appropriate to call their child during class time.
The amount of demanding parents that expect their child to drop everything – and the school, too – to be available for them when is convenient for them is amazing.
Mobile phones can be a great resource and tool, but are not taught explicitly enough by parents – and teachers have enough on their plates and within the curriculum to teach students how to use them. Parents, please try and teach your child how to use them for good – like searching timetables, utilities, google maps etc.
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As a High School Teacher (now retired) I too was amazed at the number of parents that would ring/ text during lesson. We had ended up with a policy that all phones were on the desk and the teacher could check that they were turned off.
And yes I often would speak to an irate parent eg one was about the fact that i was not going to interupt my physics lesson for him to work out hockey practice.
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I am a big fan but seriously wanting to be able to contact your children 24/7 is just plain laziness on a parents front. Organise before you leave the house/drop off at school. Teaches kids that they can’t always get what they want when they want as they may miss out on after school outings that have been planned last minute. It is up to us to teach kids to plan ahead and not have everything at a drop of a hat.
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Parents who still want to control and hover over their children that they are still driving their high school kids to school and texting them while they’re at school are the biggest concern. For Gods sake, give the poor kids a break and leave them alone.
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I have no issue with those harnesses, but only ever used the wrist strap kind to tether my toddlers to the pram occasionally…I had 4 kids under 5 yrs.
I once tried the harness kind on my eldest daughter at ikea after a few threats if she didn’t stop running off…… As soon as she had it on she dropped to her hands and knees and barked like a dog……and wouldn’t walk at all! Hysterical……. So much for that!
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There is no way I would buy my ten year old a phone, if I had a ten year old. By the time I do have a ten year old the world might have changed significantly for some reason, but I don’t really see that happening. I didn’t have a phone til I was 18 a few years ago. My 18yo sister does have a phone, but loses it so often you may as well say she doesn’t have one. My brother didn’t get one until his 18th either when his girlfriend bought him one. Most kids I know under 13 don’t have one. They don’t need one. When are they out unattended? They’re either at school with teachers, at sports with coaches (and probably other parents), at music with a teacher etc. I think the instances when they’d need one are so low that I’d just loan them my own or a spare. When I was a teenager we shared my mum’s mobile phone. I never had my own and my mum always knew where I was, or if not specifically where I was, then at least what I was doing. (eg. if I was going out shopping with friends she might not know exactly which shopping centre I was at but she knew I was out shopping with friends).
It’s different for teenagers because at that age they are off doing things by themselves unattended, but even then, I don’t think mobiles are a necessity. There are actually public phones around, unlike tape players which are virtually non-existent now.
At the highschool I went to (when I was in primary school nobody under the age of about 15 had a mobile phone) the rule was you were allowed to have a mobile phone but it had to be turned off during school hours. Not just on silent, OFF. If teachers caught you using it during class you had to hand it over and you could pick it up from the office after school.
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I found it’s the mothers who walk with their kids who mostly need restraint/safety harnesses. Mothers who drive have less use/need AND seem more vocal in their ignorant opposition to the commonsense things!
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After reading all the comments about runaways I’m wondering if anyone does compliance training with their kids? Eg ask them to do simple stuff at home, follow a simple instruction when young ( Go and get your shoes, please take this glass to kitchen, bring me your book, sit here and wait etc) then reward with praise or some use poker chip rewards etc.
I had a really hyper runaway son ( later diagnosed with adhd) who made going anywhere stressful but after doing compliance training with a psychologist and rewards based on compliance I saw a definite difference- with his self esteem too. At school he was the naughty kid always getting into trouble. This pays off as they get older too eg tidying room, helping out with chores etc. and they eventually do it because you asked them. One method with going out when they were younger was start with 0 and build up points with rewarding good behavior, following instructions, compliance etc and work up to 10 points and you get this thing (has to be desirable! For my son it was a Matchbox car and my daughter a book or textas) bought for you at end of shopping etc. My two were really competitive and wanted to be the first ones to get to 10 or sometimes it was 20!
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yes, this is basic parenting…not sure why a psychologist had to give such basic obvious advice, surely getting kids involved in family life prepares them for independent life as they grow and most parents know to do this instinctively
compliance training? sounds like the army!
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Why judge where the parenting help came from, why it was needed or what it was called. I am really grateful this parent got help that worked for her and her family. This mum is now able to better prepare her family for contact they have with the rest of the world, helps her cope better and they all reach more of their potential – this is what makes our society better.
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My son was a special case that required step by step strategies for me to work on from the psychologist to try to help him follow instructions doing what he called compliance training. It is training for the parent too- in the way you ask, one direction only, one verb, keep it simple so processing is made easier when you have a child who has behavioral problems. They use it with kids with autism too who have processing problems and the reward system works really well.
Yes it is basic parenting but don’t assume that everyone knows or does this naturally. Some parents are not aware of what their child is capable of doing. I know several families who do not ask their kids to do a single thing including tidy up toys, take plate to sink after eating, pick up dirty clothes, take their washing to their room etc and are treated like babies and have everything done for them. The parents will wonder in a few years what happened when their kids are in their teens and won’t follow instructions…about the time we get them in high school.
As a high school teacher I’ve seen kids in yr 7/8 unable to do basic things like wash tables after art, clean brushes and they sit round doing nothing refusing to clean up after themselves until you threaten them with a detention (where they have to clean the whole room!!) and god if they get paint, glue or water on their clothes it’s the end of the world. Wipe paint spills up? Pick up paper from the floor? Their response? Isn’t that what the cleaners are for? If they were allowed to have mobiles in the classroom they’d be ringing their mothers to bring them clean clothes!
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I used to do this with my son, to help with behavioral issues we would come across – like refusing to go to bed, but instead of a reward such as a car or book I used to let him pick an activity like going to the park or a movie night at home
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Very interesting reading Mia. Our kids are still very young so I haven’t thought about the whole mobile phone thing yet. But I do know that I’ll want them to be able to sort through life’s little challenges without just being able to have us ‘on tap’, coming to their rescue with minor things like missing a bus stop or being locked out of the house. Kids need to start getting ‘street smart’ early on I think. It will probably help them make better, safer decisions on their own when the serious times arrive.
I too, can remember trekking around when buses were cancelled or I had hopped on the wrong one. Climbing over fences and wiggling through the bathroom window to get into the house if I’d forgotten my key. I used to think it was quite fun actually!
On the whole leash topic, I don’t remember it but have seen photos of myself as a tot wearing one, and like you Mia, it hasn’t come up in therapy! I remember driving along one day listening to the radio and actress Michala Banas was a guest host. They had people ringing up to speak about this very topic and she was on her high horse about it, saying how abhorrent the idea was and that if a parent can’t control their child there is something wrong with them, they shouldn’t take their kids out, blah blah blah (funnily enough she is not a parent!) She was so rude to everyone calling in, I seriously wanted to reach through the radio and slap her. Of course I’d never actually slap anyone, but you know when someone is just being such a dick, they fire up that side of you??
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Or the bus not turning up at all! By the time we realised that it wasn’t coming, there would have been no one to get a lift from anyway and it was a 17km trip from home to the bus stop. Mum would have been well on her way back.
Instead, we walked the 14km or so into town. I checked in at the high school and then walked another 5km to the primary/infants school on the other side of town to drop off my 2 brothers to school (maybe 6 & 7yo?), then walked back to the high school.
Luckily back then I was a fast walker! Made it back in time for the start of the after morning tea sessions (about 1130).
I tried to instill this sort of thing in our children with varied results. Our daughter is very independent and self sufficient, but our son (nearly 21 now) is still a bit of a baby at times.
I remember one time,at 15, when he called me from home to tell me he’d missed the school bus. I had already left for an appointment with a client about 2 hours away, so I don’t know what he thought I was going to do?
Mean mother that I am, I told him to walk down to the main road and wait for the bus that goes between the 2 towns and that he would just have to be late for school. His solution was to not go that day! When I insisted that he go, he stomped off and decided that he would show me!
He got down to the main road (I am talking country main here folks) and stuck his thumb out to hitch hike!
Of course the next car to go past was someone from our surf club, so she stopped and picked him up, then gave him a lecture about the dangers of hitchhiking all the way into town. She then proceeded to call me to dob him in!
You gotta love country areas! You can’t get away with anything! There is always someone who knows someone!
Needless to say, he never has hitchhiked again!
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I personally haven’t had to use a harness on my three kids but I have no objection to them at all. I recently “lost” my 4yo daughter in Big W for about 10 mins. She’s not a wanderer AT ALL so I was absolutely terrified. That gave me such a fright – and she was quite hysterical too- that it made me completely understand parents who do use them. If your child happens to run off, or think its a game etc, even the best intentions of telling them “no” or explaining why it’s not safe to do that doesn’t always work.
Personally I think the harness is a great alternative to losing your child.
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This always cracks me up. Actually do not need to walk the dog on a leash unlike the 3 year old the dog listens to voice commands.
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I got a harness for my little livewire 18mo when I was pregnant and couldn’t keep up with him. As I soon discovered, it cannot be used as a leash, you still have to hold your child’s hand but it is great as an emergency brake.
We have one of those monkey backpack style ones and we sometimes both hold the tail rather than our hands, which means I don’t have to stoop to hold my sons hand.
Judge away, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it works for us.He is always happy to put it on, which perhaps the naysayers will interpret as Stockholm Syndrome?
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Mum bought a mobile for each of us when we were kids. But she held onto them and only let us take them out when she thought we might need them (e.g. if we were going somewhere unfamiliar or if pickup/ drop off plans were likely to change). Then we put them back when we got home.
We lived close to the school and knew our way around town. Realistically, there weren’t a lot of problems that we couldn’t have sorted out on our own.
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my youngest daughter was given a mobile in grade 5, husband and I were going on an overseas trip and with so many different family members doing school pick ups and drop off I was worried about someone forgetting on her day and the phone was there purely for emergency reasons. (note, her school was a good 45 minute drive away, so walking was unreasonable of course!). by age 12, the phone was there for social reasons, and now at age 16 she is completely addicted. Ah, it’s hard to find a limit on mobiles at this age
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This is a fantastic post Mia, so well balanced. I am a bit unsure on the issue. I see both sides, so I guess a happy medium lies somewhere in between. The challenge is for us as parents to make sure we are still letting our children deal with real life situations using their intuition and problem solving skills.
Our 14 has had a phone for about a year, and although we were against it at first (her Mother gave it to her, she is my step-daughter), it has been quite a good thing and we have found it has actually taught her to be more responsible.
On the other hand Miss 12, I can’t imagine giving her a phone, she would lose it before leaving her bedroom!
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It’s kids sitting for hours in front of a TV that are concerning. At least on a leash they are moving!
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A great post Mia.
I would never judge a mother who uses a harness.
My best friend has a cool one for her nearly three year-old with bat wings that sprout from his shoulders. He loves it…
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Great article!
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Really interesting stuff, Mia. x
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I used a leash for a little while when our bright, talk-to-anyone daughter was about 2-3yrs old and so, when our bright, very sturdy 2-3yr old son got really active, he had one too.
I remember clearly the moment I made that decision. We were walking down a busy footpath in Brisbane where the buses pulled up. I had our son firmly by one hand and a shopping bag in the other (and my handbag over my shoulder)…….Suddenly he pulled away from my hand and darted towards one of those buses…….I must have turned into Superwoman because I don’t remember how I grabbed him from the “jaws of death” that day.
So shocked was I, that I marched my complaining son into the nearest children’swear shop and bought a restraint.
“Well I think that’s just terrible” – said another customer. I just replied “F%$K OFF !”" and walked out of that shop with my beaming little “horsey” so pleased that mummy had started a new game for him to play.
Seriously, ………a child’s harness is a safety device and is only used by parents who love their children enough to ensure that safety – especially in the street.
As for mobile phones – they can be safety devices too. Particularly at an age before wisdom kicks in.
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When I was a kid we had a great boucy chord that attached to my wrist and mum’s wrist. I had a blast with that thing! And no, no psychological damage ever came of being ‘leashed’
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I’d say it’s not the phone that’s turning young people away from independent problem solving, but the person on the end of it.
Your friend did not have to pick her daughter up from the bus stop just because she called. She could have suggested to her that she work out where she is and walk home. Or suggested to her that she use that very phone to work out where she is on google maps and follow its suggested route home.
Yup, teach kids about how to use a public phone and ask a shopkeeper for help (because a mobile phone might not always have charge/credit or be helpful), but also teach them to use the variety of ‘utility apps’ to encourage problem solving via technology. If you do get the ‘I’m lost’, call… use it as an opportunity to talk through the steps they can take to work out where they are and how to get home rather than charging in and doing it for them.
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Absolutely. My kids all have mobiles, and yes I always get a phone call when they miss the bus or something similar. The conversation goes like this:
child: mum I missed the bus
me: thanks for letting me know
child: so I’ll be getting the # o’clock bus and won’t be home until # o’clock
me: excellent, see you then.
The kids don’t lose any opportunity to be independent or practice their problem solving skills, but it takes all the anxiety out of situations like this for me and them. Plus they have a useful tool if they are in real need of help.
Win + win.
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I so agree Kate – why walk backwards? Let’s embrace the technology which is, let’s face it, here to stay, and teach our kids how to use it sensibly.
It may not be the pay phone that we used in 1978 but I seem to remember all the “oldies” discussing how much better it was “in their day”, in 1978 too.
Forwards guys – forwards
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I leashed my daughter while travelling through the airport and I would do it again in a heartbeat. She was at that run-like-a-maniac-and-laugh-at-me-chasing-her stage and there was no way being by myself I was dealing with that along with security, car hire pick up and other passengers who are already anti-kid on planes. The funniest part was that she insisted on pulling on the leash on all fours like a dog the whole time. While there was some basic embarrassment I couldn’t stop laughing myself and couldn’t care less what other people thought. Her safety is always my first priority above ego anyway.
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Has anyone raised the concern about how mobile phones affect children’s brains? There is all this inconclusive evidence about how it can cause tumours … everything I’ve read has strongly said that young children’s brains are more susceptible to being negatively affected by the radio waves that come from mobile phones. That’s what concerns me most. I think I’d be worried about letting my child constantly use a mobile phone for that reason, more than any other.
I feel like it’s similar to the whole smoking thing … we only realise now how dangerous smoking is. I fear in 10-20 years we might be viewing mobile phones the same way.
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Yeah it’s definitely a concern, but realistically the only person my kids (age 16 & 18) ‘talk’ to on the phone is me – and that may be twice a week at most. They usually only text – as do all of their friends
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I really don’t get the issue with leashes. How is it different from holding a kid’s hand or grabbing them by the shoulder to stop them running off?
After a recent international flight, awake for the 36th hour in a row and standing in line at customs I’d have paid a million bucks for leashes for the various parents in line. Everyone’s nerves were at breaking point by then and these over-tired kids were running riot. A leash on a few of them would’ve reduced their parent’s and our misery levels considerably.
As for phones. Very convenient but it only takes one lost/stolen phone for a kid to be rendered helpless and without the skills to figure out how to do anything on their own. Used in moderation and not relied on 100% and they’re handy though.
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I have no problem with the leash, if that’s what you need to do to keep your kids safe…knock yourself out. Same goes for the mobile phone…if you feel its safer for you and your kids…go for it.
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The increase in childhood brain tumours is being seen globally. For this reason I would avoid mobiles as long as possible. Some very prominent doctors have implied this is a good strategy but in practice I can imagine hard to say no to teenagers.
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Hot dogs too. Check out the US Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine info on increase of brain tumours relating to the number of hot dogs per week kids eat. They target baseball crowds in the US with billboards warning people of the dangers.
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I was ‘leashed’ occasionally when I was a toddler and it has had no negative impacts on my life so far. I think it’s hiolarious and would have no problem using one for my own child if they were ‘dashers’.
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I was a runner. To this day I am regularly reminded of doing what a toddler does naturally (well, some of us!). In a way I’m still a runner. I crave new experiences, information and things to look at or read. Once I could read I ran less – it gave me an escape.
I think that at times or for particular children/parents harnesses are a good thing. I’m not a fan but if I end up with a runner or in circumstances that justify it that’s what I’ll do.
I see a few problems with them however (both the physical harnesses and the phone harnesses as well). A parents job is to make their children successfully independent and interdependent as adults. So, a harness is great if a kid just isn’t getting the ‘stop’ thing (some kids take time to learn some things). Likewise, a phone is great for the ‘unforeseen’ things in life (traffic etc) and to be fair, I had to use a phone box the other day and had a fair bit of trouble finding one, so that’s not actually a reliable option anymore.
As parents we have to teach our kids how to use various tools properly. So for a toddler, we teach them to use their independence properly – that they can walk alone sometimes and use their knowledge of danger on the road to not go there. It’s a process, they take time to accept and use that knowledge. Likewise, using a phone is great in a busy world. I have observed though that some parents stop ‘letting go’ of their kids because they are able to verbalise their worry etc Also, it’s not like just because your kid calls you you have to run to them! Thats not necessarily helpful. Sometimes its ok to let them get their own way home.
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cue 1976, Adelaide SA. A Group of school kids from the West Coast.
Two by two, they are handed a note and some money and told to get back to the starting point in X amount of hours. They had to cover a circuit that involved using a train, a bus (or two) and the Glenelg tram.
Can you see that happening today?
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They actually do this with Year 9 students for a whole week at the school i work at. The kids absolutely love it but they constantly get stopped in the street and asked why they are out of school or where their teacher is!
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Each to their own … UNLESS you are the mother I saw who yanked the leash as punishment like her daughter was a dog with a choker chain. Heartbreaking and infuriating.
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Since many people are so keen to link the leash with the dog, so to speak, I feel the need to expand on that comparison.
- Many dogs, not having a great concept of the dangers in the world, often need to be taken out on a leash for their own safety. They don’t understand that if they run off, they could get lost, injured, run over or even kidnapped. A responsible adult knows this and takes care of the dog in this way, if circumstances demand it.
- Many young children, not having a great concept of the dangers in the world, often need to be taken out on leash for their own safety. They don’t understand that if they run off, they could get lost, injured, run over or even kidnapped. A responsible adult knows this and takes care of young child in this way, if circumstances demand it.
It all sounds completely logical to me, and the people who are anti- their use will course come up other ways to deal with the issue. But why do these people ALWAYS insist their way is right, and others are inferior for making a different choice. I’m getting so sick of reading the mummy-bashing that goes on around here. This is meant to be a forum, a chat, a get-together! Enough, already.
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Mr 12 has a mobile phone which he got this year, when he started going to non school sporting camps a fair distance from home and we weren’t there. He always has it on him but rarely uses it, probably only on a handful of occasions like when there is training called off or the like.
We take the phone and Ms 11 yo’s IPod off them at night.
What never fails to amaze me is that kids the same age are still sending texts after 10pm at night.
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My parents got my brother and I mobiles each when I was 12 and he was 10, that was 18 years ago! We were just stoked that they had games on them
As for leashes, we had to use one for our daughter, it was either that or watch her run off into far yonder. She is headstrong and independent and was (and sometimes still is) a runner and parents of runners know what it’s like. It’s hard to control a runner when you’re loaded with shopping bags (even when you’re not) and trying to hang on to a small child that’s trying to get away – without making a scene.The scarry thing about runners is that they disappear fast. I usually have her in a pram, but sometimes they’re just too much of a hassle on the bus.
My daughter pretty much owns my mobile anyway (and can use it) so we’ll definitely get one when she’s responsible enough to take care of it, if only for my piece of mind.
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um, whatever happened to just teachimg your kid to hold your hand?
practise going for little walks each day, 10 mins down the road, HOLDING YOUR HAND or holding the side of the stroller and walking beside you.
Then reward them with simple prizes for not running, very simple explanation of what would happen near a busy road/getting lost in busy shops etc).
I had 2 under 2 at one point and did this each day, and now, I can go anywhere with them, both walking calmly a hand holding mine on each side.
was worth all the practice little and often
oh and online shopping until my kids were older…why do supermarkets with kids????
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Um… for the same reason you teach them to walk with you? So that they can learn how to behave? Yes, it took a while but I involve my son in the shopping and decision making (well, at least he thinks so) and he has ‘jobs’ – to put things in the trolley, know what ingredients are going in which dish and why we are buying things. We also play ‘memory games’ in the vegetable section (we may not eat it but I try to teach him the names of other things there). He’s just turned three. I can’t remember the last time he had a tantrum in the supermarket.
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At one stage I had 4 under 4, and apart from the fact that I only have 2 hands, to be honest I’m not mentally strong enough to cope with that battle in public, nor did I wish to inflict that battle on the public. Mine were strapped in their prams or on a leash until it was safe and easy for me to cope with them walking freely.
That might make me lazy, a bad mother, whatever….at least I know my kids werent stressing me out and driving other shoppers batty in the process of getting the groceries done.
Now my youngest is 10 I will admit I am one of those women tutt-tutting at how some parents let their children behave in shops. Mum might think its cute to let her little toddler run around the supermarket grabbing groceries and running in and out of other peoples trolleys, but its not cute to the rest of us who have to avoid hitting them with our wonky trolleys.
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Because you obvioulsy didnt have a runner. My sister had twins and i would often comment “what drug were they on”, they walked happily along holding a hand or a skirt/ pants.
I had a child like this but i also had a runner: totally different personalities require different solutions
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I obviously DID have a runner, and had to figure out quicksmart a solution, so he wouldn’t run onto roads etc
and yes, both now sit in the trolley with me reading books while I shop but online shopping is there for a reason sometimes
smug mother perhaps, or maybe I just did what was right for me at the time to make my life a little bit easier
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I can definately relate to your thinking here. My now 21 yr old ( who was also a runner actually…) called me a few months ago when her car broke down. Sitting in traffic, with boyfriend in car, her first thought was “call mum” and I get the frantic”MUUUUUUM my car is broken down in the middle of XXX rd ( peak hour traffic of course) WHAT WILL I DO????? ”
And yes interestingly said child was a runner, til about age 4. The leash idea definately entered my thoughts, but I chose the other path… the parenting path. The “strap the kid in the stroller is she is gonna run” path, and the “always be prepared ” ideal. Strollers that fold up are cheap. I would rather a screaming toddler in a stroller than wandering through a shopping centre with my pet… I mean child… hanging of a leash.
Kids learn nothing my being tied to a leash, other than that when the leash comes off it’s time to run ! Much like a dog…
Here’s another aspect for you. Many children who have Down Syndrome are runners, (one of which I have) often til at least age 10 or so. What images does it conjure up in your mind to see a child with a disability tied to a leash ???
If you have 4 kids under age 4 and a couple are runners, here’s a tip… don’t take them shopping by yourself all at once ! YOU made the choice to have those family dynamics. Learn how to parent them rather than tieing them to a leash for your convenience ! Yes YOUR convenience. think and plan around your childs needs. It’s not rocket science. If I can manage to get through 9 years of a runner without the use of a leash, then surely the average parent can get through normal toddlerhood without one.
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In a perfect world we could all leave our children at home with the nanny each time we need to do the groceries, however thats not reality.
We all make our choices and mine was to keep my children safe by my side on a leash when necessary, especially when they didnt like being in a pram. I’m not so arrogant as to expect others to endure my screaming child in a stroller, if the solution was to let them walk happily with me, safely on a leash.
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In a perfect world for sure. I never had a nanny or any family support. I just made choices that sat well with my instincts
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Like we all do Anonymous.
Here’s a tip, screaming children in prams rattle the nerves of everyone within earshot, which in my opinion smacks of parental entitlement, especially if there is an alternative available. I could solve that problem with my children by letting them walk with me on a leash.
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I’m hardly surprised you chose to be anonymous for that comment. But I notice the photo outs you in any case!
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I bought my first phone when I was in year 7 (1999), I was 12. I saved all the money my grandmother use to give me in order to purchase it. It was a brick! I felt I was an appropriate age to have one.
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When on an international trip I tried a leash for the first time on my then two year old son. He was a runner and I thought it was a genius plan for the airport. I forgot he could talk – everytime I tried to put it on he screamed ‘mummy mummy please don’t tie me up!!!’ at the top of his voice. Every single face at Heathrow terminal four turning to stare each time at the world’s worst mother.
And giving it another try in the customs queue on arrival, he got away from me with the leash still attached, ducking and weaving through empty queues under the barriers, with me in hot pursuit of the child running ‘off leash’ escaping the evil mum. Amused backpackers whistling at my child to return and the rest of the queue watching on in silent judgement.
My mother says it serves me right, as the one time she tried a leash on me (in the late seventies), I ran away so fast I caused her to run face first into a tree.
But yeah, we gave it a go.
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Sorry to laugh at your mum, but you just made me snort into my porridge
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The first time I tried to put my 1 year old in a sling was at the international airport. We were lining up to check in and she latched onto my neck with her teeth and wouldn’t let go. It really, really hurt. I was screaming at my husband “get her off, get her off!” and he was trying to pull her head back without hurting her. Everyone was staring. My neck hurt for days and that was the end of the very expensive Ergo carrier.
I tried her with one of those animal-shaped backpacks where the long tail is used as a leash. She loved it, I hated it. She would demand that I put it on her and then she would walk me around wherever she wanted to go.
(She is a really lovely 5 year old now, but was an absolutely awful toddler).
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Haha your comment made me laugh! When my son was 4 he was a terrible runner and hider, my sister was travelling interstate with him to visit family (without me) so she got a leash for him. When she tried to put it on him he screamed at the top of her lungs “You’re not my Mummy!! You’re not my Mummy!!” Poor girl! I think it put her off having kids for a few more years!
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I was grocery shopping one day, 6 months pregnant with #3, my 15month old was in the pram and my 2yr old was walking (the groceries were loaded in his seat on the back of the pram). Things were going well until he got excited, restless and wanted to explore. He started to run… I started to run behind him, always just out of arms reach. He covered the entire back aisle of coles, I started to feel panicky… I got to the bread section and he was still just out of reach and headed out of the store….. I didnt know what to do, do I go running out the entry way with my pram loaded with unpaid for groceries? Even then I just couldn’t catch up given my pregnant status and the pram slowing me down. So I did the unthinkable. I stopped the pram (with my darling 15 month old in it!) up against a tower of bread rolls, dropped my shopping on the floor and sprinted (well the pregnant &exhausted version – waddled) as fast as I could until I finally caught up with my son. By that point we were half way up the mall (I could no longer even see the entrance to coles). Then carrying mr 2 I ran back to the tower of bread where my baby son was happily chatting to a lovely coles worker. I paid for my groceries cried all the way home and didn’t go grocery shopping with the boys again until my baby was born and I was back on my anti-depressants!
Just wanted to share ….. a leash wasn’t an option because my eldest was so wild that if I ever put his monkey backpack on him he would pull on it and howl like a rabid dog trying to get off it, then sit still on the ground refusing to move. Just didn’t work…. neither did the pram cause he could undo the straps from 1.5yrs and run off.
He is turning 4 in a couple of weeks and is a really lovely kid, much calmer and never runs off on me anymore. I am a good mum and he is a good kid, he was just a runner. My second son would NEVER run, ever… if all my kids were like him I would probably be such a smug mother, some kids are just more challenging than others!
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Oh you poor thing! I also had a runner – plus then he would hide!
I was in safeway about a week ago and this womans 3yr old went missing, she also had a baby and a school age kid. You could see the utter terror on her face, I think every woman in Safeway was looking for the ‘little girl in a pink jacket’. After about 10 minutes she turned up. Would have been the worst 10 minutes of that mums life! Leash, pram, whatever, it is our jobs to do our best to keep our kids safe!
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I feel for you oddsocks! My then 18 month old once did the bolt on me when I was 8 months pregnant & had to let go of his hand to pay for our shopping.
He was through the shopping mall & on his merry way out into the carpark within split seconds as I lumbered along behind screaming his name. What really got me that day was the sheer number of people who stood back & watched, not one person reacted or tried to help
.
Thankfully he stopped at the pedestrian walkway (just as a taxi pulled up in front of him) long enough for me to catch up & grab hold. I’ve never forgotten the look on the taxi driver’s face, nor the awful, awful fear of what could have happened, but thankfully didn’t.
I cried all the way home & bought a leash the very next day. Best thing I ever did!
PS. My son is now a very cautious 5 year old, but yep, I’ll probably be investing in a mobile phone for the same reasons when he is an appropriate age!
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What is it with this generation of feral, tearaway toddlers who will make a dash for it the second they are let off the leash like badly disciplined dogs. Really?
Perhaps this site attracts, um, a certain type of parent who all have these crazed kids. I dunno. Perhaps there’s a theme going on in terms of parenting styles that is producing these uncontrollable sprinters.
I’ve raised three kids and none of them were ever lead around like dogs, nor did they attempt to bolt the minute my back was turned. It never occurred to me that they would.
And if a kid does do a runner, what’s wrong with a firm “no!”
And no, I’m not being smug. Just slightly incredulous.
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Clearly you’ve never given birth to a ‘runner’. So smug…
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I think it is a bit rich to say that it is entirely the parents fault if the child is a runner. Ha, a firm no? It doesn’t always work like that.. Sometimes kids are just kids. My sister was quite a runner, but I never was. It’s just different kids.
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Raise the flag, release the doves, parent of the year has been found.
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I nominate this as best comment ever
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I’m also an older parent and I couldn’t disagree with you more and furthermore you come across as very condescending. Yes, some of the issue with kids is laxity on behalf of the parent, but a goodly part of the mix is the child.
If it was just the parents, every child of theirs would be a runner and “feral”.
BTW, I wonder how that firm no would go floating up the shopping centre to a toddlers departing back….
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I’m so glad you’ve been lucky enough to give birth to, and raise, children who do as they’re told first (or even second) go. You’re very lucky and I do hope you appreciate them.
Speaking as the parent of a child with ODD and possibly also Aspergers, I would personally prefer my child to be safe and “leashed” than dead after running under a car or missing after being abducted by an opportunistic pedophile (thankfully those are rare). That being said, I’ve only managed to leash my son once, and he promptly broke it. I would often have him in a stroller and he was brilliant at escaping that too, but it slowed him down a bit at least.
Perhaps you could save your judgment of parents who leash their kids until you’ve experienced life with a child who makes that kind of thing necessary. We could just as easily judge you for never thinking ahead enough to wonder what you might do if your kids had bolted – in your own words it just never occurred to you that they would. Every time I leave my house with my son I spend most of my time wondering what the hell he will do this time, and how I will handle it. Hell, I have to make those plans when we’re at home! I’d be willing to bet that people in my position, and people in the position of feeling they need to have their kids on leashes spend way more time agonising over their parenting decisions than people such as yourself who are so convinced of their parenting brilliance that they need to deride those in more difficult positions than themselves.
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My mother-in-law had 4 kids (all in their 40s now) and she ‘put the reins’ (as she calls it) on her kids whenever they were at a large gathering such as the Royal Easter Show. And, no one, I mean no one, messes with her (not even her kids now!). It’s not just this generation.
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I’m in my 40′s and my mum was super strict, still is! My sister and I werent allowed to do many things even as teenagers and we were by all accounts very well behaved children. But we still went on ‘reins’ in public because we were both runners even though our mum was really strict. Its just the nature of the child and has nothing to do with parenting.
I find the parents who have a problem with people using reins or a child leash tend to be more relaxed in their parenting and discilpine style and their kids could benefit from some restrictions.
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What’s wrong with a firm no? Well for for starters, if the kid has sprinted 10000 miles away they probably wont here you.
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errr, umm… I was a runner and I’m nearly 30. It’s not generationally new to have kids that run, but how people manage it (parents and strangers) might have changed. Some kids are ‘free spirited’ – they want to see the world, their tiny little brains are after new experience, or maybe they enjoy winding Mum up. But good job you for being perfect
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Oh Sal I’m just slightly incredulous at your rudeness.
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I went to England with my parents when I was 18 months old. My mum always begins the story stating her regret in not using a leash at Heathrow airport. After a twenty something hour flight I was unstoppable.
My kids are 3 and 1. Haven’t been anywhere yet where I’ve felt one would have useful. As for phones, I think my kids will have them when they start to use buses for school.
My nephew’s school confiscate the phone for the rest of the school year if you are caught using it during school time. Really teaches kids responsibility of phone use. He was devastated!!
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Does the school actually keep the phones they confiscate?
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My sister was vocally in the anti leash camp and I know didnt approve of me using one for my boys. That was until her 2 very placid easy children were joined by no#3, a hellraiser wild child who hated his pram, wouldnt hold her hand or walk nicely by her side. Yes, she did a backflip on the leash
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