'She peed in her mascara.' 11 wild dating stories that keep us up at night.

Ahh, dating. We all have our fair share of horror stories. If you don't have personal experience in this area, I'm sure you've heard a dating confession from a friend, or a friend of a friend that you can't stop thinking about. And if you haven't even got one of those, well, I have good news for you.

We have rounded up the most rogue, unhinged and wildest dating confession horror stories that were sent in anonymously — and after you read these, you'll understand why they chose to remain anonymous. As always, this is a safe space where we don't judge — we just read in complete wonder and chaos. 

This is a NSFW article; I repeat this is NSFW. So if you have a manager who likes to look over your shoulder, maybe save this piece to read in the privacy of your own home.

Watch: Horoscopes and dating. Post continues below.

Are you there yet? Okay good. Here are some dating stories you will have trouble forgetting about.

After-work drinks.

"I’ve been having sex with a coworker who recently got out of a five-year relationship — he would ghost me then rebound back into my life unexpectedly. I had managed to convince myself that if I stayed around long enough, he'd feel sorry for me and date me. 

"We were having birthday sex on my birthday and he asked if I could go on top and do the work because he was nauseous from all the tequila shots we'd done that night. I think that was the final straw — the sex isn't even good anymore, and I should probably grow up and just work hard for a promotion."

Dude, where's my TV?

"So I went on this breakfast date a long time ago and the guy was really rude. I was five minutes late and apologised, but he wouldn't let it go and kept bringing it up throughout the date. He was also very boring. After the date, he sent me a really passive-aggressive message saying how rude I was for being five minutes late (even though I literally apologised straight away!). [He also said] that I didn't ask enough questions — and that I'd be single forever. 

"I could have just ignored his message and got on with my day, like most people would, have but I'm incredibly petty and wanted to get my revenge. So I created a fake Facebook Marketplace ad advertising a free flatscreen TV and I put his phone number down as the contact. The account was INUNDATED with messages saying things like, 'I’ve tried calling the number but the guy who answers has no idea about the ad and is really pissed off.' 10/10 would do again."

An eye for an eye.

"My friend peed in a container and used an eyedropper to get it into her cousin's mascara because she started dating her ex. The cousin couldn't work out why she kept getting conjunctivitis. This went on for months."

Castaway.

"When I was 16, I invited a guy to visit me on the island I live on and on his last day took him beach/rock pool jumping. So every rock pool we jumped into, I felt the water go up my arse and I began to get worried. The last rock pool we went to was about a 15-minute walk all along rocks and when we got there and I jumped in... I knew something was wrong. I told the guy that we should leave and as we started walking, I realised my undeniable need to sh*t. 

"I told him I was busting to pee and started sprinting across the rocks, trying to hold in what was most definitely a shart. I got to the public toilet and was wearing a playsuit over my swimmers [that were] super tight and hard to get off. And yep, you guessed it — I sh*t myself all over the playsuit. 

"I was then naked, in a public toilet, trying to wash sh*t off my clothes and body in the tiniest sink with no soap or paper towels, for legit 20 minutes. I got to the point where it had been too long and I needed to go back to the car. We sat silently, the windows down, me pushed against the driver's door with the looming thought we can both smell that I shat myself, but no one wants to admit it. 

"The next day I dropped him to the airport and I never heard from him again."

Super trooper.

"When I was 19, I was dating a major douche (only realised this in hindsight, lmao) and I remembered the other day how I once threw up whilst giving him a blow job... and he told me some months later he knew it had happened. I KEPT GOING AND SWALLOWED MY VOM... and this man didn’t stop to see if I was alright even though he knew."

Cheque, please!

"Dated a guy for a month. He wanted to take me to an expensive restaurant one night. I assumed this was him wanting to make a serious gesture as this would've been the 12th-ish date. He said that he'd pay. I was hesitant at first (mainly because no guy has ever wanted to do that for me before — also I have that feminist dilemma where I want to pay half because…equality?). He chose and booked the restaurant. Great right? Well, when he picked me up, he said his new boss hadn't paid him yet. He said they should've paid him that afternoon, so if it's not in his account by the time we finish dinner [he asked if] can I pay and said he'd transfer me the next day. I agreed.

"The cheque comes around — a nice juicy $220 receipt — and he shows me his bank balance. NOT A SINGLE CENT IS IN HIS ACCOUNT. $0.00 stared back at us. He took me to an expensive restaurant with zero dollars in his bank account. 

"I paid, we left, then cue the next couple weeks trying to get my money off him. He still asked me on dates but gave every excuse under the sun as to why he couldn't pay me back. After 12 weeks, he deposited it into my account (thankfully, this money arrived during lockdown, at the time being unemployed), then he asked for another date. I respectfully declined."

One and done.

"When I was 17, I was in the shower with my high-school boyfriend, we were making out and things escalated, and I gave him a blow job for the first time. Long story short, I hadn't yet realised my own capacity/gag reflex and projectile vomited onto his naked body. So panicked by the experience, I began to cry in a pool of my own vomit, while he had no idea how to react. We showered and cleaned up, I was mortified, and that was the first and last time I gave anyone a blow job. (We are both gay now, it's great)."

Bloody murder.

"Had sex with a dude in a tent at a festival, I didn't know I got my period until the next day when (and I can not make this up) his chin had some dry blood [on it]. Parts of the sleeping mat and tent looked like a murder scene. I have never left a one-night stand faster. I still think of him to this day, as his mouth did magic, but I would never be able to look him in the eyes again."

Nothing to see here.

"I started seeing this super-hot guy who lives in a granny flat out the back of his parents' house. I got blackout drunk, woke up the next morning and wondered why it felt so wet and warm. I then look beside me and realise the guy had built a pillow wall, and I had wet the bed… 

"So I did what any normal person would do and I pretended to be asleep until he got up and went to work. I then quickly stripped his bed and realised his washing machine was inside [the house] and I could see his parents through the back window. I took all of his sheets and ran past the house, hoping the parents didn't see me. I jumped into my car and drove to the laundromat. I washed his sheets, drove back to his house, snuck past the parents once again and made his bed. This guy has since ghosted me lol."

Taking in the sites.

"The guy I was going on a date with told me he had somewhere planned he wanted to take me. He arrived in a giant truck. I hopped in, looking all cute in jeans and heeled boots, and noticed he was wearing trackies... It turns out the place he had planned to take me was a 45-minute round trip to see his work sites (drive-by style), after which he dropped me back home.

"I was so embarrassed when I walked back in and my sister hadn't even finished making the dinner she had started on before I left."

Read the room car

"I had been talking to a guy on a dating app, and it was getting to the 'should we catch up?' part. I suggested going for dinner, or at least meeting for coffee... He wasn't too keen on that idea and suggested a walk. He was 25 minutes late for the walk and didn’t seem too fazed. We awkwardly walked and talked, and got back to our cars. It was pretty cold, so he suggested we sit in the car as we were still in the middle of a conversation. That's when things got weird. 

"We were talking about podcasts, and what we like to listen to. He said he likes true crime. I said 'Oh yeah, I actually listened to one the other about that killer, Ivan Millat.' He said, 'Oh no way... Ivan Millat is actually a relative of mine, he is my grandpa.' 

"I immediately froze and was trying to figure out an excuse to get out of the car. I stupidly then tried to be nice and say 'Oh really? He died earlier this year right?' He said, 'Oh yeah he did, [it was] very sad because he honestly did nothing wrong… all the killings were just self-defence he was a good bloke.' 

"At this point my face was red. He then told me that Ivan Millat's brother had recently escaped jail and is currently hiding out at this house. He let this go on for a few minutes, only to tell me it was all a joke. Apparently, he does it to 'test' girls on first dates. I can assure you I left straight after that, and blocked him immediately."

If you want more culture roundups like this one or you'd like to be included you can reach out to Emily Vernem on Instagram @emilyvernem. 

Feature image: Canva.