The birth of a child should be an exciting time for a family, but sadly, there’s often someone who wants to make it all about them. Case in point – this grandmother who’s refused to even set eyes upon her grandson, simply because she wasn’t allowed at the birth.
A woman has posted on chat forum Netmums under a thread called, “Mum hates me because she wasn’t at the birth” – and it’s as sad as it is frustrating.
The new mum writes: “I had my little boy in August. In the run up my mum kept demanding she was at the birth because ‘I won’t cope’ and I need her there (I’m 24 and married).”
The woman told her mother that if she needs her on the day, she’ll definitely call for her immediately – but she should be fine with her husband. The labour went smoothly, and the woman says she “felt [she] coped really well.”
‘Good on her,’ most people would say. But sadly, that wasn’t her own mother’s response.
After being told of the wonderful birth of her grandson, the grandmother offered no congratulations. Instead, the woman reports, she texted her: "Why didn't I get my husband to pick her up, telling me I'm evil and not normal for depriving a grandmother of the experience."
But it wasn't enough for the grandmother to express her disproportionate FOMO (fear of missing out) - she also couldn't resist taking the opportunity to abuse her daughter.
"[She said that I'm] mentally unstable... then went on to abuse my husband... and that we can go to hell."
The devastated daughter explains, "this was all within the 24 hours after I'd given birth", and that ten weeks later, there's been no further contact. Her husband hasn't encouraged her to reach out, because he fears the grandmother isn't stable enough for his son to be around.
Bitterly disappointed in the heartbreaking series of events, the woman writes, "This was meant to be a time for us all to create happy memories and instead I just spent a lot of time being upset."
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The post attracted many supportive comments which encouraged the woman to focus on her happiness.
"Your mum is angry because she can't control you," one commented. "Concentrate on your lovely little family."
Another forum member wrote, "She wanted a front seat ticket to a show but you did things your own way."
There were a few comments which criticised the daughter for merely texting her mother the birth announcement, but not many agreed with that, noting that the new mum was entitled to look after herself, first.
"You told her the news. She knows where you live," one retorted.
The most helpful advice came at the end of the thread:
"I think your mum is a selfish woman to miss these precious moments with you and your son over being there at the birth. She needs to wake up, say sorry and support you and love you all. Just enjoy this time, try not let it interfere with your life because you never get this time back. Enjoy those cuddles and be strong."
Top Comments
Some parents find it really hard to accept that their adult children can cope in the world perfectly fine without them. Some parents miss the step from life guide to friend. I don't know...certainly it could be narssicism that causes them to be controlling and hurtful. But I think for some parents they just don't know how to interact with their adult children--how to be there in support without being able to call all the shots. They end up usng emotional manipulation to create guilt and get their way. I think this grandmother really wanted to be there, and didn't know how to deal with it when she was told no. Unfortunately it caused her to lash out--probably out of hurt--but she certainly caused hurt.
I've experienced this myself, and it does take time to work through your hurt and anger, and even the guilt that they inevitably cause us to feel. But we do need to focus on our own wellbeing, and that of our children and family. It will take time to decide how to move forward and what boundaries to set. And it's ok if it takes time. Compartmentalising it is kind a of essential at this stage. Enjoying life with family is far more important.
The grandmother is missing out on her grandchild and this special stage with her daughter. She is living the consequences of her choices everyday. I hope that, with time, her pride will subside, and the feeling of missing out will bring her back into the fold.
I think it's ok, and perfectly appropriate to set up boundaries when you become an adult and have your own family. But I think it's also very important to be able to forgive. Forgiving helps us to let go of that nagging feeling that often eats at us. And it's a really good precedent to set and example to live out for our children.
There's a harsh lesson in life that goes - "sometimes family are NOT the best people to have in your life".
She may be your mum but she's also unstable and probably a narcissist.
Your child ( or future children ) won't thank you for encouraging her presence in your lives.
As far as I can see - you've done all you can when it comes to your mum.
She however hasn't lived up to her responsibilities at this special time.
Time to keep your distance.