Author Stephanie Meyer is releasing a new Twilight book, which nobody but especially not Robert Pattinson asked for.
It is called Midnight Sun and it will be a retelling of the series from Edward Cullen’s perspective.
Yes, that sound you hear in the distance is Pattinson yelling as he realises all his press junkets for next year’s Batman film will have questions about the sparkly vampire he once described as “kind of a mixture of looking slightly constipated and stoned”.
Midnight Sun will be released on August 4, 12 years after the last book in the series Breaking Dawn and it got us thinking back to our teenage selves, who were staunchly #TeamEdward or #TeamJacob and weirdly into a story about vampires who lived forever and really liked baseball.
With the benefit of hindsight, and more than a decades worth of watching… other content, we can recognise Twilight as a little bit, well, ridiculous. Case in point, the below storylines:
1. The sparkles.
Twilight vampires weren't scared of garlic, and they didn't sleep in coffins. Instead of turning to dust in the sunlight they... sparkled.
The logic is reportedly to attract their prey, but overall it was just totally unnecessary and very, very funny.
2. Bella's totally chill with that whole vampire thing.
Bella figures out that Edward is a vampire in a matter of weeks, because 'blood-sucking dead guy' is definitely the most logical conclusion to draw about the weird dude in biology who covers his nose when you walk in the room.
Then, after she watches him sparkle in the woods, Bella is totally chill with him being a vampire.
"I'm designed to kill," he tells her, and she says she doesn't care even though that feels like something you should care about.
She even wants to be a vampire, which in case it's not clear: means allowing him to murder her.
3. When Edward watches her sleep.
Edward tells Bella he breaks into her house at night to watch her sleep and she is like "aw cute babe".
4. Jasper the blood thirsty vampire.
Look, the Cullens were "vegetarian", but at the beginning of the series Jasper wasn't fully on board with that idea just yet.
Therefore it seems very dangerous not only to allow him around Bella, who he lunges at when she gets a tiny papercut but HUNDREDS OF OTHER INNOCENT HUMAN TEENAGERS EVERY SINGLE DAY AT SCHOOL.
5. The baseball scene.
The Cullens were in the middle of a forest, far from any people, so the 'loud noises' that comes from them playing baseball wouldn't have been heard anyway, which makes playing during a thunderstorm redundant.
Also, this scene in the movie will haunt Muse until their dying day.
6. Carlisle the flaky doctor.
Carlisle constantly took days off to go on trips with his family whenever it was sunny (because, sparkles!) which would've meant dropping his patients at a moment's notice. How does he still have patients? I'd have switched GPs after the second time he said his camping trip was more important than my need for a doctor's note to show my boss I have a cold.
7. Bella's reckless stage.
Bella gets on the back of a stranger's motorcycle, learns how to ride one herself and goes cliff jumping all in the hope of seeing her ex-boyfriend as a figment of her imagination.
8. When Jacob strips in front of Bella's dad.
Surely there are other ways to show your family friend you're a werewolf? Charlie didn't need to see that, dude.
9. The anti-sex vibe.
Edward won't have sex with Bella before they get married because he's scared it will kill her. Um, why do I feel like that's one of the most screwed sentences I've ever written?
Anyway, Edward is the epitome of abstinence and it is super shamey.
There's a gross scene when they're kissing, and Edward tells Bella to stop taking her clothes off: "It might be too late for my soul but I will protect yours," he says, because sex is bad and doing it before you're married will damn you to hell! FYI!
10. The wedding.
Bella and Edward were 18 and "17" when they got married and nobody seemed to... care, except Charlie, who looked like he was committing his daughter to death while walking her down the aisle. I guess he actually was.
11. How did Edward get Bella... pregnant?
He's technically dead. As in, there's no blood pumping through his veins, which means no blood to... yeah. Logistically, scientifically, etc. etc. it makes no sense.
12. Renesmee's ageing.
Edward and Bella's daughter ages faster than normal for reasons that are unclear but are likely due to her vampire... blood? (Does she have blood?) When she's seven she'll look 17 and remain that way for eternity.
13. YES, THAT WHOLE IMPRINTING THING.
Jacob imprints on Bella and Edward's weird vampire-human-hybrid Renesmee in Breaking Dawn which is an involuntary thing werewolves do when they find their soulmate. Renesmee ages quickly, but she's still a literal child when it happens and will be technically seven when she looks 17.
At first, Jacob has a friendly 'big brother'-like relationship with her, which arguably makes it even weirder that he'll presumably start a romantic relationship with her when she's older.
Are we supposed to find this normal, chill even? Because it's the creepiest plot twist I can remember from... absolutely everything else I've ever read/watched.
Basically, Twilight is bonkers. And we'll probably read the shit out of the new book, against all our better judgement.
Feature image: Summit Entertainment.
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