Ugh, another very important event with fellow very important world leaders to discuss very important economic matters?
‘What a waste of my time,’ thought US President and self-described very, very important person Donald Trump.
Discussing trade wars, political tensions and the raging fires in the Amazon takes up way too much of his precious time, which is definitely much better used watching Fox News and tweeting about FAKE NEWS and happy birthdays to his semi-famous friends.
So after tucking in to some of the US’ finest food – KFC, because that’s not available in France, right? – and receiving a pep talk from his favourite non-Russian friend, Fox News dude Sean Hannity, the president begrudgingly hopped on Air Force One late and headed to the land of French tucks and French fries (he thinks?) to mingle with other world leaders.
What a bore.
Last year's event focused on the environment and plastics in the ocean, which did not give Trump enough time to brag about his achievements.
To help make this weekend's visit more palatable, the summit added a Sunday morning session focused on the global economy which would give him a chance to brag about the US economy to leaders of nations where growth is slowing (this reads like satire, we know, but it's real).
Just to spice things up a little, Trump threatened on Friday to impose tariffs on French wine if France didn't withdraw a new digital tax that would impact US tech companies.
Upon arrival in France, Trump was whisked away by French President and very-nice-man Emmanuel Macron to a surprise lunch of French cuisine.
Look, it wasn't KFC, but it was alright.
"So far so good," Trump exclaimed, praising his "special relationship" with the man whose parody account he accidentally tweeted, because honestly, this stuff writes itself.
Then - because important world leader things are a waste of time - Trump caught up on Fox News before preparing again for some mediocre French cuisine at the leaders' dinner on Saturday night.
At dinner, Trump looked around at his counterparts. Macron and Justin Trudeau were laughing, whispering in French and pointing in his direction. Angela Merkel scolded Boris Johnson as he sculled champagne.
Trump... had no friends. So he had an idea.
I think my bestest friend Vladimir Putin should be invited!
Johnson stopped mid-scull, flabbergasted. Merkel... snorted. Trump thought he heard Macron and Trudeau say "stupide", whatever that means.
He huffed. These meetings were no fun without his supreme leader best friend Putin.
On Sunday, Trump met up for the roundtable on the economy, personally created just for him. Yes! His time to shine!
America has the greatest economy in the world! Why do those other sh*t hole economies even try? Crooked economies!
Following boring chats with boring world leaders about boring world issues, Trump dealt with his anger at learning Iranian Foreign Minister had arrived by demanding KFC be flown seven and a half hours from the US. No one had the heart to tell him there was a Kentucky Fried outlet just 15 minutes away.
His highlight was meeting with Johnson, because he got to live out the Austin Powers dream he never knew he had.
Later that day, all the leaders gathered for a photo shoot. Trump had brushed his toupee hair and applied a fresh tan, so he was excited.
I am the BEST looking leader, NO other leader has my GOOD LOOKS!
It was here that Trump realised Melania had come along for the trip. Or was it Fake Melania? Judging by the way she kissed Trudeau, it was probably the real one.
The photoshoot was... glorious.
Finally, after Trump failed to accurately kiss several other leaders on their cheek, Monday morning rolled around.
Apparently there was some crucial discussion on climate change and biodiversity to attend, but Trump said no thanks.
Climate change is the least of the world's worries, he thought. Besides, he didn't know what biodiversity meant, but his friends at Fox say diversity is bad. ‾\_(ツ)_/‾
With the summit wrapped up, Trump left France happy enough. Sure, he had to stop playing golf to attend, but at least he looked GREAT in the photos.
The rest of the leaders were also pleased. They'd succeeded in their mission, dubbed by The New York Times as operation 'Don't get You-Know-Who Mad' which makes it sound like Trump is Voldemort and... oh.
With Trump safely back on Air Force One heading home, the rest of the leaders rejoiced. They'd done it, and they presumably drank gallons of champagne to celebrate. Especially mini me Johnson.
As the leaders dispersed, they groaned at the thought of next year's summit to be held in the United States.
Trump wants it to be held at his golf course near Miami.
"Each country can have their own villa, or own bungalow," he enthused when asked about the idea.
The world leaders don't have to stress about whose villa will be nearest to Trump's - he's already said he'd like to invite his bestie from Russia.
Top Comments
Summary: Orange man bad.
Yawn.
No, Summary: Donald Trump is a dangerous moron.
Yet, he will more than likely win 2020, despite your previous comments he would be impeached before the end of his first term.
When Trump wins in 2020 will it be Russia again or will they pick a different country to explain why people didn’t vote for higher taxes, open borders and having their private health cover taken away ahead of the no planes, no cars anymore Green New Deal?
Oh, I no longer disagree with that statement. He will probably win 2020, especially if the Dems go with Biden or Warren. Despite the fact that he is a dangerous moron. Because apparently sticking it to lefties is more important than voting in your best interests.
ScuMo just looks so awkward!
And, Trump. My god, Trump. What a joke he is. An unfunny joke, like most conservative humour is.
What the hell,is conservative humour?
This stuff is getting out of hand. I had no idea humour can now be classified politically.
Even this morning I double checked to see if my shoes were Left or Right - I'm not taking any chances
You can tell the difference. When late night shows stopped doing comedy at the end of 2016 and started doing constant Trump routines you may have noticed their audiences stopped laughing and instead clap with every Orange man bad line. Never clapped for Carson, always laughed.
Conservative humour? How about after Joe drops out after hitting 100 gaffes on the campaign trail and Elizabeth Warren gets the nomination... first debate, Trumps walks out wearing a Native American necklace prominently? Debates over, Warren is finished, Trump laughs all the way to a second term.
4chan. Basically trolling SJWs is funny to conservatives. Like going to the gay pride parade, asking them if we should impeach Trump and when they say Yes of course, clap and cheer, “Wohoo! Mike Pence for President!”