We open on cat lady Abigail, mathematically-challenged Krystal, Thomas' soulmate Leah, and "I didn't know who you were until a few days ago" Lauren, discussing the crazy events of last night.
Talk inevitably leads back to Jess and her views on open relationships... AND SO THE TORTURE BEGINS ALREADY. We're not even five minutes in and here we are, prattling on about Jess and her boyfriend Damien.
We cut to the last of the single dates, and Felix is of course with Jess. OF FREAKIN' COURSE. THERE CAN BE NO RESPITE.
Showing that he really is taking a leaf out of Thomas' playbook, Felix wants to see the fun side of Jess and has "organised" Segway rides - just like Thomas and Leah's water jet ride the other day.
"Every time I'm with Jessica, I find myself opening up to try new things," Felix says. Yeah, like polyamory.
He then tells us he used to be a strong, pub-going, footy-watching bloke but look at him now - riding a Segway. I never realised riding a Segway was some sort of non-traditional masculine activity? You learn something new every day with Felix.
Thomas is on a paddle-boarding date with Kiki. Have you realised that of all the bachelors, Thomas is the one who is constantly shirtless? I think he's taken his shirt off in every single episode.
Thomas tries to get a bit more clarity on Kiki's thoughts about having children together, but she does that thing she does where she uses really lovely language and yet doesn't answer the question, leaving Thomas more confused than ever.
Jed has asked Angela for the last single date and they're going to ride quad bikes. After zipping around on the sand, Angela declares this as the best date she's ever been on, which tells me she has been on very few dates in her life.
Over on Felix and Jess's date, they're popping open a bottle of champers.
The two chat about love and relationships and say they can see themselves falling for the other and YADDA YADDA YADDA. Can we move on, please? Stupidity gives me hives.
We cut to Jed and Angela, who are on a ferry, staring at the sunset. Angela, who dislikes being vulnerable and talking about feelings, takes a leap of faith and tells Jed she's falling in love with him. Then she's flustered and embarrassed about it, which is frankly very relatable.
The next day, Osher breezes into the Bach Mansion as though he didn't cause absolute chaos just a few nights ago. He tells the women that they will be having deep, serious conversations with their bachelors... and with a relationship counsellor.
Because nothing screams romance like counselling, amirite?
Jed and Alesia are first up with counsellor/sexologist Juliet, who asks them about the potential engagement at the end of the show.
"I like Jed a lot, and at the end of the day, I know I want to be with Jed, I know that," Alesia says to Juliet. "But 'will you marry me?' is such a massive question." Damn right it is, Alesia.
She tells us there's just so much more to learn before asking someone to spend the rest of your life with them. Alesia is making far too much sense - does she not realise she's on a reality TV dating show?
Next up are Thomas and Leah. They tell Juliet they've already agreed on having two children in the future and their session is so short because there's pretty much nothing in contention. I've said it before and I'll say it again; these two are soulmates. If Thomas doesn't choose Leah in the end, I will eat my hat.
Then it's Thomas and Kiki's turn, and of course the big issue here is whether or not Kiki would like to have more kids. She already has two children and Thomas desperately wants to have kids of his own.
Finally, after counsellor Juliet asks her about having more kids, Kiki admits she's "not there" in terms of headspace. It's as definitive an answer as we're going to get from Kiki, and it likely means she will not be going into the finale.
The Bachelorsproducers obviously think the sessions with Jed and Courtney, Jed and Angela, and Thomas and Lauren are really boring because they dwell on them for precisely 2.5 seconds each.
Then it comes to Felix and Krystal, who we all know have a friendship rather than a romantic relationship. Counsellor Juliet asks Felix to touch Krystal's hand up to her elbow in order to build intimacy. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
There is precisely zero chemistry between Felix and Krystal, I'm sorry to say. I don't see any "tall, strapping children" in the future here.
For Felix and Abigail's session, they're told to gaze into each other's eyes, which you may remember Thomas and Kiki doing back on one of the first group dates several years ago. It's as horrendous now as it was then.
Oh, thank goodness, it's over... OH NO, it's Jess' turn for counselling now.
I take it back, let's go back to Felix and Abigail eye-gazing please! Anything is better than the torture Felix and Jess are about to inflict on us.
It's so tedious to recap this session with Felix and Jess, but in summary Jess explains to Juliet her relationship with Damien, Felix says that Jess and Damien must break up if Jess is the woman he chooses at the end, and Jess says she is willing to let Damien go.
Great, good, done, sorted, let's all move on, shall we?
Nek minute...
"I still want Damien," Jess tells Abigail that night at the rose ceremony.
She explains that she still loves Damien and that the long distance relationship with Felix (he's in Melbourne, she's in Townsville) would be hard on her and that's why "maintaining a physical, sexual relationship with Damien" would be ideal.
Our cat lady is not having a bar of it. "I think Jessica Navin is incredibly self-centred," Abigail tells us.
Did anyone else notice that Abigail always refers to Jess by her full name Jessica Navin? It's weird, right?
Abigail runs over to Krystal to tell her the goss. "I was having a chat with ol' Jessica Navin (SEE? DO YOU SEE?), and she was saying she doesn't want to dump Damien anymore," Abigail tells Krystal. "She wants to keep Damien around for the next few months as a f**k buddy!"
Cue dramatic music. "I've had enough," Krystal tells us.
Oh, Krystal. You haven't had to recap this ridiculous never-ending saga, so don't tell me YOU'VE had enough.
The bachelors arrive at the Bach Mansion. Courtney takes Jed aside and tells him that while she does like him, she is feeling conflicted. Her feelings for him are not as strong as Alesia's and Angela's. She tells him she feels she needs to go home.
Jed, being the sweetheart he is, tells her he understands and even though it sucks, he supports her.
Osher flows in like a cool breeze to start the rose ceremony. Since Courtney has already left, Jed, Alesia, and Angela won't be taking part.
Two women will be going home tonight, and at this stage, it's looking like those two women will be Kiki and Krystal. One can only hope Felix comes to his senses and says goodbye to Jess but I'm guessing the producers would want to keep her around so they can prolong my torture.
Thomas' first rose goes to Leah. Felix's first rose goes to Abigail.
In the background, Jed, Alesia, and Angela gossip about what Jess told Abigail. I AM LIVING FOR THIS.
Thomas' final rose for tonight goes to Lauren, as expected. Kiki will be going home.
Felix's final rose for tonight goes to... you guessed it: Jessica. Our dear mathematically-challenged Krystal is leaving.
We now say goodbye to the incredible Kiki, whose motto we shall always live by: "Whatever doesn't give you energy, inspiration or an orgasm is not worth your time."
And then it's time to say goodbye to our queen Krystal, who has provided a lot of the drama and the laughs. It's kind of sad. I've become sappy in my old age - hundreds of years has passed since I started recapping this series.
Meanwhile, this is Abigail's current feelings towards being in the final two with Jessica Navin:
In tomorrow night's episode, we finally meet the bachelors' and the women's families. Felix tells his parents about Jess' polyamorous relationship, and his mum is not too happy.
"I feel like there's a lot to not like about Jessica before we've even met her," Felix's mum says.
And then guess who's back for round two? Yep, it's "conscious conversationalist" DAMIEN.
Sitting at a table with Jess and Damien, Felix asks her: "Have your feelings for Damien increased or decreased?"
"Sorry, that's a conscious conversation that me and her are having," Damien says.
"No, it's a conversation that Jessica and I are having right now, brother," Felix throws back.
YES, FELIX! YOU TELL HIM! DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT!
Okay. I think I need to lie down now.
The Bachelors Australia continues 7.30pm tomorrow and Sunday on 10 and 10 Play.
Feature Image: Network 10.
Read previous The Bachelors recaps below.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 9: I CAN'T BELIEVE FELIX SENT [REDACTED] HOME.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 7: Um... did Felix and Tilly just have sex in the pool?
Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 6: YOU CAN'T JUST BRING YOUR BOYFRIEND ONTO THE SHOW.
Mamamiarecaps The Bachelors episode 5: NO. All the drama just walked out the door.
Mamamiarecaps The Bachelors episode 4: THIS IS THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 3: One woman's secret leads to total carnage.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 2: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO STOP FELIX.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 1: One Bachelor is BRUTALLY rejected on the first date.
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