We open on another beautiful day in the Gold Coast.
The sun is shining; the waves are crashing gently against the rocks, the paddle boarders and surfers are silhouetted against the orange sky; everything is serene and peaceful... so something terrible is obviously about to happen.
In a sign of things to come, this book is being read upside down.
Sure enough, there is an almighty clatter as a suitcase comes flying down the stairs, accompanied by chocolate woman, Marj.
Someone get Marj some chocolate.
It appears that Marj is exiting stage left! The other women are devastated.
We cut to the Bach Pad in the phallic tower, where Osher arrives to pull Jed and Thomas aside.
"I hope the boys haven't done anything wrong and I'm gonna be the only one left standing here," Felix says.
Trust me, Felix, none of us want you to the last man standing either. We would switch off the television if that were the case.
Osher tells Jed and Thomas that after the rose ceremony last night, there was some tension. And that our favourite trio of drama queens, aka Marj, CJ, and Tash, had chosen to leave the Bach Mansion. And the show. And the bachelors.
"Tash?" Jed says in disbelief.
"I'm a celebrity, get me outta here!" Tash yells as she leaves.
Jasmine tells us that the trio wanted her out of there, and would only stay if she left. And since Jasmine isn't going anywhere...
"We've all just had enough of Jasmine being a b*tch to be honest," Tash tells us. "Like, I'm not the b*tch, she's being a b*tch."
"I have nothing left to say except that I need a stiff vodka soda please," CJ opines.
And with that, the hellraising trio are gone. But they will never be forgotten.
Oh, who am I kidding? Of course we'll forget them! I mean, who remembers reality TV people? I'll probably forget them by the end of this recap.
Fare thee well, high-heels Tash who was engaged to a bachelor, chocolate woman Marj, and serial lurker CJ. We will miss your ridiculous shenanigans and your ability to make everything about you.
Poor Jed is absolutely gobsmacked by Tash leaving.
"I really liked her," he tells Osher, looking as though he might cry and thus smudge his eyeliner.
Jed does not compute.
Osher gravely tells the bachelors that the trio's leaving will drastically affect things in the Bach Mansion.
Meanwhile, over at the Bach Mansion:
The women are practically skipping on air as they bake, eat, joke, and, in Bella's case, sleep. The cloud of doom that had been hanging over their happy house is no more. It's all (literal) sunshine and (literal) roses.
This is obviously great for the ladies but terrible for us, the viewers. Because who will bring the drama now?
Oh. Right.
Felix and Jess are on a single date. They play basketball because Felix was a professional basketballer, don't you know. Then they do the High School Musical dance and have a long chat about Jess's other boyfriend.
Sounds like a regular date to us.
Later that night, Thomas and fellow eye-gazer Kiki are on a single date. They go on a sling shot ride, throw up, and then go on a moonlit stroll. Thomas learns that Kiki had a 12-year marriage, and her son is 19 and her daughter is nine. She tells him she had her son when she was 19, and she travelled with him everywhere and did her uni degree.
Frankly, Kiki sounds like an incredible woman.
Thomas wants a family and all the talk of children has him asking Kiki, "Would you have more kids?" To which she replies that she doesn't know. It's all up in the air, much like when they were on that sling shot ride.
They walk to the Bach Pad, where Thomas has arranged a surprise for her. He tells her to close her eyes and when she opens them, she really does look surprised.
SURPRISE!
What the surprise actually is, we'll apparently have to wait to find out because now we're in the middle of a dark forest with Jed. He's got his drum kit out and has asked Alesia to meet him there.
You gotta say this for Jed - he's never dull.
This is serenading of a different sort.
Jed opens up to Alesia and tells her he started playing at four, and the drum set was his friend when he had no friends. He tells her it means a lot when she compliments his outfits because he used to have to dull himself down in past relationships. They talk about being bullied in school - Jed for who he is, and Alesia for having a brother with Down syndrome.
Jed gets emotional when a producer asks him what he'd tell his younger self. It's a powerful moment on television about acceptance and masculinity, and whatever else happens in this show, THIS is something to remember.
"Me eyeliner's gonna run now, f**k."
After watching Jed and Alesia share a well-deserved pash, we're back to Thomas and Kiki again and their big surprise. Which turns out to be a massage for Kiki... by an Italian masseuse named Thomas.
He asks her if there is any "particular spot" she'd like him to concentrate on. Thomas! This is not THAT kind of show, OK?
"He knows how to fill a cup," Kiki tells us. Kiki! Dear god. All this innuendo is going to kill us.
"Fill my cup."
Kiki tells Thomas that whatever doesn't give her "energy, inspiration or an orgasm" is not worth her time, and this is going to be my motto from now on. Thomas decides to drop his guard and see where things go with Kiki, rather than be fixated on her as a mother. They end their date with kisses, of course.
We are back with Felix and Jess, who are also at the Bach Pad. Felix confesses he doesn't know how to make a cup of tea, which is frankly the most insane thing that has happened thus far.
Yes, Felix. WHY?
The couple drink lukewarm tea on the couch and awkwardly kiss. Unsurprisingly, Jess's thoughts turn to her outside boyfriend Damien/Damian. I guess kissing Felix will do that to you.
Afterwards, the boys debrief about their respective dates, talk about their feelings, and hug. This is definitely not the Bachelor of yore.
The next day, the lads and ladies get together for a group date at a beautiful restaurant by the water. They ask each other the all-important questions, like transforming your body and mind and what you'd like to achieve in five years. For Bella, the most important question is: "Do you stand up or sit down when you wipe your bum?"
Felix sits down privately with Naomi, to discuss if what they have is "surface level" or something deeper. She spends the entire time looking at him like this:
Um.
She asks Felix to tell her one thing that not many people know about him.
"I love dinosaurs," Felix replies.
WOW. We are going DEEP, guys.
Thomas and Jasmine sit on the beach, where Jasmine promptly has a case of the "talkies". As in, she can't stop talking. Poor Thomas can't get a word in.
Krystal, tired of waiting for Felix to come to her, grabs him instead and they have a chat outside. She mentions she is spontaneous and they decide to head into the water. Felix runs in without taking his shoes off, which reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George Costanza talks about how his father doesn't take his shoes off in the pool.
Showing that perhaps he is FINALLY learning his lesson, Felix decides NOT to kiss Krystal in front of everyone.
At the rose ceremony, Osher tells the 12 assembled women there are 11 roses to give out, which means only one person is going home, rather than the usual three.
In a nail-biting moment, we're left wondering if Jasmine will be picked as the roses whittle down to one. I mean, she did word vomit throughout the entire time she was with Thomas on the group date.
And Jasmine gets the rose! Osher tells Janae, who I am seeing for the first time, that he's sorry she didn't receive a rose and for her to take a moment to say goodbye.
This is Janae.
I'm sad they didn't show Janae more because she seems like quality entertainment. As she gets into the car that will whisk her back to obscurity, she says, "Can we put the heater on? My nipples are so hard. I'm about to key the car!"
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
The Bachelors Australia continues 7.30pm tomorrow, followed by Wednesday and Sunday on 10 and 10 Play.
Feature Image: Network 10.
Read previous The Bachelors recaps below.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 4: THIS IS THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 3: One woman's secret leads to total carnage.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 2: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO STOP FELIX.
Mamamia recaps The Bachelors episode 1: One Bachelor is BRUTALLY rejected on the first date.
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