sex

"I just can’t bear one more touch”: An open letter to my husband about sex after kids.


Dear husband,

How was your day? By “day” I mean face-to-face intellectual conversations with other adults? Getting to drive to and from work in absolute silence or listening to a mediation session to help you unwind? Or even just little things like getting to think without constant chatter and interruptions?

How was my day, you ask? It started with a 5:30am wakeup call from our toddler stating she was awake and ready to start her day.

After dragging myself out of our bed and onto the sofa to drink the lovely warm coffee you had kindly made me before you headed out the door for work, our delightful daughter squeezed her cute little tooshie in next to me, making me spill my coffee all over my clean pyjamas and the sofa.

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Just as I got the coffee explosion cleaned up, our son had woken and was having a massive tantrum about me now sitting “in his” seat.

I finally got him calmed down and now both kids were perched on a knee each, blocking any view of the lounge room I had. The day continued in this manner with the kids using my body as a climbing frame and constantly chatting over each other getting louder and louder for my undivided attention.

At one stage when I tried to go to the toilet for some peace and quiet I ended up with all three kids, plus the cat and the dog, crammed into our already tiny toilet space.

When I was organising dinner I had all three kids sitting or standing in the kitchen because they wanted me.

Every time I went to take a step towards the fridge or oven one of them would be right behind me forcing me to trip and nearly spill our entire dinner.

At bedtime I had our darling toddler poke my eyes and plant sloppy kisses all over my face.

Then she proceeded to yell “mum, mummy” for the next 20 minutes before finally getting out of bed and climbing onto my lap for another squishy cuddle before I banished her to bed one last time.

This was when you finally arrived home and wanted to plant a kiss on my lips and give me a big hug to say “hello honey, I’m home”.

You then proceeded to tell me about your day and who you got to see and what cool things you got to do. Finally, when we headed to bed and I was just getting comfortable, you decided it would be fun to have some sexy time then got grumpy and sad when I told you no.

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This is the part you need to read.

I do want to have sexy time with you; I do want to enjoy the hugs and kisses you desperately need, I do want things to be how they were before we had kids but at the moment I’m exhausted. My body is everyone else’s but mine.

By the time we hit the bed I’ve had everyone in our house pull, poke and climb all over me and I just can’t bear one more touch. Please be patient with me; one day the kids will be all grown up and I will long for your touch again.

I’m not saying that you have to wait for the kids to grow older before we can have sex again – of course we will, and I’m sure I will enjoy it and have fun. I just can’t keep up with our pre-baby selves.

Our life has changed (for the best) and even though this time might feel like it’s going slow, it will pass.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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Top Comments

alessandro 4 years ago 2 upvotes
It sounds like your husband does literally nothing to help with the kids. You don’t need to apologise for not wanting sex. He should be apologising for not helping you! Admittedly I only have one kid, so my perspective might be different, but in my house, I am the one who does the 5.30 wake ups and early morning play, then I go off to work and I’m home to do bathtime and bedtime. Sharing the load makes a huge difference to both my and my wife’s mental health and feelings towards each other.
jerseyab 4 years ago 3 upvotes
@alessandro At no point does she say that her husband doesn't help out. Her point is that she's touched out and tired of not having her own body to herself. Looking after little kids is exhausting. She also doesn't have the option of her husband looking after the kids in the morning - as she says, her husband makes her a coffee before he heads out the door before 6am. You and your wife are lucky you can have the arrangement that you have.

david s 4 years ago
I hope you've actually talked to your husband about this, as well as writing about it in an article on a news website. He needs to be a part of this conversation and know just how much it is you're doing and how much you need his support and help. Give him a chance to step up and love you by helping rather than think about what he's missing out on. Get him to think about what he can do to help you get into the mood - make sure he knows that it's not with foreplay, but with being an asset when he's home by helping with dinenr and chores and kids and not an additional burden to be looked after.
cat 4 years ago 2 upvotes
@david s don’t you think he should be able to figure this out himself?
laura__palmer 4 years ago 2 upvotes
@cat Of course he should, David doesn't have a lot of confidence in men if he thinks this guy needs to be told how to do basic things around the house and that looking after 3 kids is pretty tiring.