As parents, we all do it: make up stories about why things are going the way they are.
We may attribute our daughter’s ongoing disobedience to her ‘strong will’ or our partner’s reluctance to follow through with consequences when a child breaks the rules to the fact that ‘he’s the fun parent’ or the ‘good cop’. Tell yourself the story enough and it comes something else altogether. It becomes a belief.
After more years than I care to admit as a psychologist working with parents (who are almost always doing their best to raise happy well-adjusted kids), I have seen three commonly held beliefs that actually make parenting more difficult. Maybe you might recognise one or two of them…
“It’s just a phase.”
It’s true that there are enormous differences between children of different ages and personalities. But it’s also important parents recognise many behaviour problems are not inevitable and are not a necessary part of typical child development.
So, explaining away your two-year-old child’s tantrum as just a normal part of the “terrible twos” is missing the point. Yes, many two-year-olds throw tantrums, but not all do. And children who do throw tantrums don’t always grow out of it.
I can recall one mother who insisted that her three-year-old’s constant aggressive behaviour towards other children at a local playgroup was just a phase and consequently nothing to worry about.
That assurance did little to appease other parents whose children were the victims of his aggression, as well as the playgroup director who asked her to remove her son from the group.
It was another two years before the mother realised her son’s misbehaviour was not going to suddenly go away and she had to seek professional help.
Dealing with the misbehaviour earlier would have made life much easier for both parent and child.
"It’s all my fault."
Some parents deal with misbehaviour by blaming themselves. I’ve met many guilt-ridden and worried parents over the years.
These parents blame themselves for almost everything the child does, and in some cases may even become severely depressed.
The truth is, some children are simply harder to raise than others. Those who have feeding problems, cry excessively as babies and have sleeping difficulties are hard for almost all parents to cope with.
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And as our children grow, while we play a large role in shaping their character, some things are out of our influence.
We can’t control what happens in a classroom or a playground, the friends our child will choose, the influence of the media, the family interactions of our spouse, or the unique personality of our child.
But self-blame is destructive. It can be so debilitating that you may not be able to make the routine changes that could help you better manage the problem. So, here’s some really good advice: go easy on yourself.
"He’s doing it deliberately just to annoy me."
Even if you don’t say it, chances are you’ve thought it.
But few children with behaviour problems are ever able to explain the reasons for their actions.
Most children simply don’t know why they misbehave. And any young child would have trouble putting their reasons into words.
There may be something subtle in the way your family communicates that’s sparking the problem, rather than your child deliberately trying to provoke you. It may be that there’s something that happens at a certain time of day that triggers the behaviour. Or your child could be just hungry, tired or bored.
But it’s highly unlikely it’s a plot to raise your hackles.
If you did recognise yourself as holding on to any of these beliefs, then that’s a great start. Sometimes even acknowledging the belief, then not reacting to it when it raises its ugly head, can make things run a little smoother at home. If not, maybe some good quality parenting strategies could help.
Professor Matt Sanders is the founder of Australia’s Triple P – Positive Parenting Program, which has helped more than 4 million children and their families in more than 25 countries. Find out more about Triple P near you.
Top Comments
Sadly I think that little kids who are "allowed" to throw tantrums tend to grow up to be adults who throw tantrums.
As an attention-getting device they can be successful but if no-one reacts then they tend to no longer be a good idea.
I was in a music store once with my Mum and my bright little 3 yr old daughter and (I guess she was getting bored ) she suddenly stacked on an almighty tantrum. Mum & I were shocked since she'd never done that before, anyway I literally stepped over her and we walked out of the store to watch her through the window. She lay on her back thrashing about like a demented beetle.......then she suddenly stopped, realised no-one was watching, saw us smiling & waving through the window, jumped up and happily skipped towards us...............................I said "OK now ?" and that was it !
We never saw another one.
I had a similar experience with our son and I have to say our kids were never "tantrum-throwers" - because they didn't work for them.
In many cases I think we create behaviours. Obviously some poor kids have unique problems but you have a better chance if both you and your partner are in agreement about children's behaviour & back each other up.
I'm surprised that Professor Matt Sanders would claim that tantrums are not a normal stage of development for two year olds. It actually is normal, has a lot to do with brain development and is nothing to worry about. Following is a quote I copied and pasted from www.betterhealthchannel.vic... :
"Big feelings (tantrums) and child development
Young children are emotional beings and act out their feelings through their behaviour. They do not have the cognitive thinking abilities to express themselves in a rational way. When the cortex is not developed, young children are unable to calm themselves on their own.
Young children need (calm and rational) adults to support and help them through their big feeling episodes and to regain a sense of calm and dignity. When a young child is being emotional, it is important that the adults are responding calmly and rationally."