My frenemies would tell you that I’m insufferably smug at the best of times.
My response? Cool story, bro.
That’s awfully smug of me, isn’t it? You see, ‘smugness’ comes quite naturally to me because 60 percent of the time, I think I’m doing great because I’m so happy to not be f*cking things up on a colossal scale. Because 40 percent of the time, I am, most definitely, f*cking things up on a colossal scale. So badly, in fact, that it almost obliterates the 60 percent of the time that I haven’t.
I don’t think being smug is about thinking you’re better than others; that’s how insecure people interpret it. I think being smug is about feeling very pleased with yourself. So when things are going decently, and I reflect on having my life together for a few blessed moments, I’m undoubtedly pretty pleased with myself.
Because I deserve a goddamn medal on the days I don’t turn life into a total sh*tshow. Because I have made many mistakes in my life, and so when the good times come rollin’ in, I’m the first (and fine, I’ll admit it, often only) person to tell myself “you did good, Namminksy”. (Yeah, Smug Nama has a nickname.)
LISTEN: What to say to a friend going through a divorce. Post continues after audio.
So you can imagine how much I high-five myself for having the courage to leave an unsalvageable marriage, re-start my life, and finally become the person I always wanted to be. See why my frenemies think I’m insufferable? Well, I just might be, but I’m also proud of myself. Pleased with myself. Self-sat-is-fied.
And that, it seems, is yet another of the many things I have in common with Gwyneth Paltrow.
I recently saw an article calling Paltrow a “Smug Divorcee” for posting the below Instagram picture of her ex-husband Chris Martin and current partner Brad Falchuk. I had to laugh.
That’s what the writer got from seeing these smiling faces?
Just FYI, here were my initial thoughts upon seeing the photo:
- Please let that be a chalkboard in the background that she’s wiped clean for privacy reasons, and not a piece of art that she spent $75,000 on.
- Pretty impressive ‘belt notches’, Gwyn.
- Why does Chris Martin always wear shirts that seem too small for him? (Not a complaint.)
Ok, now back to the writer.
She says that the men look too pleased with themselves, and Paltrow’s use of #modernfamily is intended to make everyone else feel unmodern, and whatever the opposite of “family” means. (Alone, maybe? Who knows.)
So, I’d argue that the writer isn’t really looking at the photo at all.
Because here’s the thing that happily divorced people get – especially the ones who have managed to be friends with their ex, and even more especially the ones who are friends with their ex’s new partner: a lot of work went into that.
A lot of setting-aside of ego. A lot of patience and tolerance. A lot of respect. An unconscionable, exhausting amount of 'adulting'.
So everyone involved with that photo, including Paltrow who probably took it, has a right to feel as smug as they want. They should feel pretty pleased with themselves, because I know that a lot of emotional work went into getting to brunch. I know this because I was the Brad Falchuk for a decade, and it's not easy.
I also know that no matter how hard you try, sometimes it just can't happen. So the rare miracle when it does needs to be acknowledged. As does the most crucial fact of all: that it's all for the kids. The writer mentions that briefly in her piece, and dismisses it quicker than you can ask, "is Chris Martin still single?"
But that motivation can't be underestimated. Can you imagine how this photo made Paltrow's children, Apple and Moses, feel? They don't hate each other. Look at what they're doing because of how much they love us.
But the writer questions why "their gold-star performance as divorcees becomes a cause for celebration in itself - more 21st-century and, dare we say it, sexier than a regular stuck-together-for better-or-worse marriage"?
Because it is a cause for celebration in itself; perhaps not for people on the outside, but definitely for the family.
I agree, as the writer says, this photo is "a picture of Smug Divorce in action". But please, let me ask, what exactly is wrong with that? Is it preferable for co-parents to do handovers at Maccas and write passive-aggressive notes to each other in a 'communication book'? Of course not.
The writer thinks Smug Divorcees are looking for "bonus points" for being great parents after making a mess of things and poor choices in the first place.
Ouch.
We're trying to make the best of things. But the only people we need bonus points from are our kids. Because it's all for them.
Top Comments
Well done Nama. I agree it is about time people own up to the fact that they aren't perfect & yes they may have kids and a spouse, but the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin are not only getting along better as friends than "smug superficial marrieds," which in my experience is far more painful than the the hypothetical "smug divorcees," That in my experience is largely smoke & mirrors. This seems to be an interesting observation, knowing a number of relationship counselor's, I can tell you for a fact there are many, many people who are still married but shouldn't be,they act like they are married & they've got it all got it together, but when the wheels inevitably fall off their life, they are left with often little support or understanding around what is happening.
The the fact that their relationship for whatever reason breaks down is sad enough, but yet there's so many couples that can't or wont handle the situation as a grown adult should. ie the amount of couples that are married but live largely separate lives, this time of year is a prime example, I know a couple that were living separately for 3 years prior to their "sudden separation then divorce", they never told either side of the family, but Christmas was always one of happy, cheesy photos, with family images that suggested that they were still in love, mean while when no one was looking it was bickering over cutting the turkey/pork & separate beds. This is where I believe there needs to be great maturity around marriage in the first place, the amount of times as a single person I have been treated with contempt & smug knowing smirks, when i've turned around & suggested that I'm not trying too make everything work & I sleep at night knowing that the choices (i've made) are right, & that they are right for me, I haven't had to either sort out the incompetence of a spouse around money or business. Or struggle with the guilt about what I am doing to or for my children, (this isn't single smugness) unfortunately the closest I got to this is furkids. We all need to make choices & decisions, but when a relationship doesn't work & there are children involved, in my experience as the go between my older brother & his ex, rang me over a passport application that he passively/aggressively kept filling out wrongly. He expected all the sympathy in the world, he was busy whining on the phone about his ex-wife, how she did this & did that. My answer was "Your the adult, your relationship is over, pick yourself up dust yourself off. "this isn't about you any more," "when you have children your job is to do everything in your power to look after them & make sure that they have as good as possible life that you can give them" also stopping whining & just get on with it". this may seem harsh but this broken down record had been played way to often over the preceding years.as he for whatever whatever reason couldn't/wouldn't let it go. This I would suggest is a large part of the problem, many people don't learn how to deal with relationship breakdown, Disney/Hollywood give us all fairytales/romcoms of forever after, but no real example of how to move on from happily married, to happily moving on with a very different family dynamic if it doesn't' work, wtih kids & significant others who become part of the long term equation. So I say good on Gwyneth & Chris, it's about bloody time, this type of example shows all the immature adults who are still stuck in their childhood zones, playing spiteful or immature games, over their children/(who when they grow up) who will most likely at best feel sorry for them, at worst end up abandoning or hating them.
Good on then for having a great relationship! Makes their families lives a lot easier I imagine.