Warning: This story contains graphic footage of violence and won’t be suitable for all readers.
The world watched in horror as a man appeared to brutally beat his partner via a video game stream over the weekend.
“Leave me alone,” the 26-year-old is first heard shouting at the mother of his children, before momentarily leaving his Fortnite session as the alleged beating began.
As the video progresses, the man, who has since been arrested and charged with an apprehended violence order, is heard shouting at his pleading partner – his aggression building.
“F**k off. I will be out soon, you dog. You don’t pay the f**king bills,” he yells, cocking his arm as he flings his chair back to approach her a third time.
A slap. A thud. A woman wailing, children crying.
“He just hit me in the face,” the unseen woman, who is pregnant, screams to the recording camera.
The footage is harrowing, distressing, sickening – so much so, viewers of the live stream called Sydney police for the man to be arrested.
“This is a woman in danger, a woman who needs to be taken as far away from that situation as possible” is where most minds automatically go when viewing the footage.
At least where you’d hope most minds would go.
But in the cold light of day, as we’ve seen too many times before, the narrative has already begun to shift.
A flood of social media users have jumped to the man’s defence; suggesting that we don’t know the “whole story”, that the woman is partly at fault.
“But we don’t know what happened before the video,” many questioned.
“But he has every right to defend himself,” was a stance others took, as one YouTuber claimed the woman had thrown a cardboard box at the man’s head before the argument broke out.
And the most skin-crawling view? She deserved it.
“It’s not unreasonable to think she tried to slap him and he stopped her and slapped her back,” a Reddit user similarly theorised. “At least you can kind of understand if it was a kneejerk reaction.”
“She kept instigating, started throwing shit. A slap on the face isn’t exactly a beating,” another said.
The comments, tweets and opinions circulating the internet are almost as disturbing as the footage itself.
They all have one thing in common: they exist as an attempt to define what makes the “perfect victim” of domestic violence.
It’s certainly not the first time this has happened. And sadly, won’t be the last. We’ve seen this story play out too many times before.
Domestic violence is an epidemic in Australia. Impact for Women have recorded the number women murdered as a result of domestic violence this year is currently at 75.
75 “perfect victims” – women no one will question, because there is no doubt they weren’t in the wrong.
Yet when it comes to victims of domestic abuse who have survived situations like the one allegedly seen in Sunday night’s footage, we hear the same thing…
“But why didn’t she just leave him if things were so bad?”
“How could she let him treat her like that?”
Even: “They’re both as bad as each other.”
The finger is too often pointed the wrong way – as though the “perfect victim” must have either left already or be submissive; cowering in a corner, helpless and doomed.
What these people don’t understand is domestic violence victims themselves have “buts”:
“But I yelled too.”
“But I hit him back.”
“But I should have left the first time.”
This, in so many situations, is what stops women from telling their friends and families, from going to police, and even from admitting to themselves they’re in an abusive relationship.
And yet, even when we see what appears to be domestic abuse presented to us on our screens, doubt exists in the minds of the public.
Last night, the mother of the young woman involved told 9News she was relieved the video of her daughter’s “mentally and physically abusive” partner led to his arrest.
The young woman herself, who did not want to be identified, claimed the man became violent three years into their relationship.
“It’s not the first time he has hit her. We reported it [to police] before but he’s gotten away with it,” the mother told 9News.
“He’s highly-manipulative… a really good actor.”
The man has since made his own statement, too:
“It’s a one-off thing,” he told The Daily Telegraph on Tuesday.
“You’re all judging the video, you don’t see what happens, you haven’t read the police report, you don’t actually know what happened off camera,” he added.
In truth, we don’t know what happened off camera.
We don’t know whether this woman has ever packed bags for herself and her two young daughters, vowing to leave in the morning.
We don’t know whether she’s cried herself silently to sleep before.
And we don’t know whether her 26-year-old husband has said it’s her fault he beats her. Or has promised it won’t happen again.
We may never know. All we know is the sound of her terrified children, her desperate pleas and her echoing sobs.
And we know, ultimately, that no pattern can be found in the stories of any domestic violence victim. So why are we still searching for one?
If this story had been different – if the stream didn’t exist, the man hadn’t been arrested, and the argument had escalated to an even greater tragedy, would the rhetoric be the same?
No – we might just have our 76th “perfect victim”.
If this post brings up any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. It doesn’t matter where you live, they will take your call and, if need be, refer you to a service closer to home.
Top Comments
Sometimes I find these articles frustrating because they assume that the woman has no agency whatsoever. By agency I’m referring to the capacity of individuals to make their own choices. She can choose to leave this violent piece of shit. Yes it’s going to be hard but it sounds like her mother would help her. She can choose to put her children’s emotional well-being before her dysfunctional relationship. I say this as someone who grew up in a DV household. It’s a horrible environment to grow up in.
Chris. Chris. Please educate yourself on the nature of family violence and how the impact of it on a woman’s self esteem, not to mention economic and social systems, often make it very difficult to leave. It sounds like your mother might have been in this situation. If it were easy to leave, why wouldn’t women? Please don’t make frustratingly simplistic assessments of what women in this situation can do.
As a social worker, I currently have a female client who has tried very hard to have her threatening/stalking/breaking-and-entering/abusive ex partner stopped by the police and court system. He just gets released on community service orders and verbally abuses her in front of court staff for wasting his time in bringing him to court then continues to harass her. She is ready to give up and has accepted that he may never, ever stop tormenting her. She is broken. Women cannot trust the legal system to keep them safe so what hope do they have on their own?
Here’s the thing. I expected to get push back from my comment because for years we have been reinforcing the powerlessness of women in the situation this article highlights. This is in order for the focus to remain solely on the perpetrator at all costs. And it should! That doesn’t mean we write women off as being completely powerless in ALL domestic violence situations.
As a female domestic violence survivor having had bones broken in my face, let me reassure you I know DV well. I have grown up in it and I have repeated the cycle of being a victim when I was young. What changed for me was the choice to change my life ie to break the cycle. It didn’t just happen organically and it wasn’t easy. What changed for my mother was the choice to leave and the plans that came later.
I can sense the frustration, powerlessness and hopelessness of your client’s situation and the effect this must have on front line workers dealing with such cases. Let me be clear; I know leaving is hard. I recognise specialist intervention is required in extreme cases as the risk of violence increases significantly when the woman leaves. For women who leave structurally better supports are absolutely required. Better DV laws are required. Perpetrators require harsher sentences and the laws around stalking MUST change. More funding for emergency accommodation is required. The list is long. We must ask more of our policy makers and politicians on these issues.
The reasons why I said the woman in this article should leave are because of concerns for the children. I meant no disrespect. As a social worker you know that children who grow up in DV can repeat the cycle. To avoid the escalation of violence she must leave. Violence can increase during pregnancy so for the safety of her unborn child she must leave. The perpetrator will make a choice to hit her again. So she must choose to leave no matter how hard it is or how much the system sucks. If we have no choices then we have no hope. We may as well just give in and give up. And we cannot do that.
Thank you Chris so much for your insightful words. I read the news piece on this couple and was horrified to the core - but what kept replaying in my mind was “what about those poor kids? Who were looking out for them?” These children who are innocent. Who have not chosen to be born into a situation of violence. Who cannot begin to understand or predict the machinations and dynamics that bought their parents together ... as well as tear them apart. They must be protected first and foremost as they are the true victims in this story and rely on adults for protection. Yet both mum and dad failed them that night - yes, both of them. But soon as a woman makes that choice to leave, she also makes a choice NOT to be a victim - for both her and her children.
This guy deserves a beating.
I love to play video games, heck I have played for 24 hours straight(I am not joking).
But I don't hit others.