You’ve done it.
You’ve gotten home after a few Savignon Blancs with the gals and bought an Oroton bag on ebay, haven’t you?
You’ve stalked a pair of shoes online, not purchasing, just looking, until they STALKED you back on every fricking website ad until you relented.
You possibly know the ASOS courier on a first-name basis and they possibly have your address saved under “favourites”.
There’s no judgement here, angels. Because secret shopping is an art form and something which Australians do a heck of a lot of.
Last year, website finder.com.au revealed that Australians spend 11.3 billion on purchases a YEAR that they don’t tell their partners about.
Listen to Monique Bowley talk about secret shopping on this episode of OutLoud: Post continues.
Here’s the surprising part: even though men spend three times the amount that women do (an average of $4596 a year, and mostly on porn and gambling, what a shock) and women spend a measly $1476 (on clothes and food. The two most important things), us ladyfolk are MORE likely to hide our purchases.
This is something that Mamamia OutLoud host Monique Bowley knows a lot about.
So much so, she’s even developed the definitive guide to sneaky online shopping.
Here are the tips, poppets. Write them down and then eat the piece of paper and swallow it to leave no evidence behind.
1. Never get stuff posted to your house.
It’s REALLY hard to try and convince your partner that the enormous pink box marked "PETERS OF KENSINGTON" is actually just a big, elaborate piece of junk mail. Get your shit sent to work, to your mum's house, to your sister's, to a friend. NEVER get it sent home.
2. Take it out of the original bag.
Evidence be gone. Slip it into one of those green shopping bags or stuff the contraband into your backpack and no one will suspect you just dropped half your house deposit on shoes.
3. Wear it nonchalantly.
It's SO tempting to throw on your new frock/watch/shoes and twerk/jig because you love yourself sick. But you need to be like Julia Roberts in that Ocean's Eleven casino heist movie with George Clooney. You know she wants to burst inside. You know she wants to flip a lid. But instead, her demeanour remains calm. BE JULIA.
Develop an air of "oh this? whatever" about you, like you've been wearing it for about two decades. Practice an incredulous look of "but, I wore this to your mother's house/to the pub/to that other event, like, two months ago!".
4. Divert. Divert. Divert.
At some point, someone will say "is that new?" and you will not flinch, you will not break, you will not reveal your magic. Instead, you will divert attention. Like a magician's slight of hand, you simply say: "Who wants PIZZA for dinner?"
Or, depending on how much you spent, sagely say: "Darling... we need to talk... about us".
Genius.
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Top Comments
In response to the podcast:
The male babysitting thing - it's just plain old sexism.
Statistically, men are more likely to molest children. As a mother, it's my responsibility to ensure that my children or safe, so I won't hire men.
Statistically, women are more likely to take maternity leave, take their work skills with them and cause discontinuity and disruption. As a director, it's my responsibility to the shareholders to minimise disruption and maximise profit, so I won't hire women.
As a father, I understand that risking your child's health is a more visceral decision and I, personally, am cautious about hiring male babysitters, but no bones about it, it's sexism and making decisions based upon negative stereotypes.
I know this article is written tongue in cheek, but I seriously do not get the hiding purchases thing! I earn my money, I spend a great deal of it on my children, I contribute to everything possible on my lower wage so if I want to spend a bit on myself - what not? If you have a partner that looks down their nose at what you spend on yourself (as long as it's not outrageous and you can still afford to eat!) then I think the problem lies with your partner and maybe you should talk it through.