“What if you don’t have the type of mum who we see on TV and in movies?” Bec Sparrow asked on the most recent episode of Mamamia’s lifestyle podcast, The Well.
This week, we’ve seen a conversation emerge about motherhood regret. Socially, we’ve been fed the image of the blissful, domestic, endlessly nurturing mum, who insists “being a mum is the best job in the world” – the woman who simply did not know the meaning of life before her cherubic offspring.
And indeed, there might be some truth to that narrative. But, as we’ve discovered this week, there’s far more to it.
LISTEN: Bec Sparrow and Robin Bailey discuss what to do if your mother was toxic on The Well. Post continues below…
A number of women have come forward to ‘confess’ they regret being mothers. But there’s another subsection of women that we routinely ignore in our representation of motherhood.
Mothers who are toxic. Mothers who do not know how to nurture. Mothers who find that motherhood does not at all come easily to them.
Bec Sparrow referenced Nikki Gemmell, who writes in her most recent book, After, “Sometimes wilfully you live your adult life in opposition to how you were parented.”
There are men and women who live with mothers capable of immense cruelty. Some weep all the way home in the car after a visit, or have had to move to a new state, or haven’t spoken to their mothers despite the addition of grandchildren to their families.
So, when these people who have been poorly parented, become parents themselves, how can they possibly know what to do?
Bec Sparrow, author, columinst and speaker says that she has one piece of advice.
"Just do the opposite of what was done to you."
"Because you don't have a blueprint to parent off," she said to co-host Robin Bailey. "What you've been taught by your parents is what not to do."
"And that's just as powerfully actually as being taught what to do."
You can listen to the full episode of The Well below...
Thanks to our brand partner Twinings and their new Twinings Feel Good Infusions Range.
Top Comments
Thank you. Absolutely bang on. After 46 years of toxic parents (Borderline personality disordered mother, narcissist father) I've managed to free myself from them permanently.
I'm so much happier. They taught me how to love, how to be loved, (and end up choosing totally inappropriate people in my life) how to have terribly low boundaries but also to be the parent I am now. I raised myself. I taught myself emotional maturity and I battled against their influence as I raised my three beautiful kids in the way I would have wanted to be raised. They're all doing really well. Sometimes, whilst it's hard to go through, the end result is really that they've given you a gift... 'How not to do it' and that is incredibly precious. I stopped the dysfunction, I raised kids who are going to have good lives and do good themselves. And finally, I spend the time now, thinking about what I want in my life, what I choose and what love really is. It took a long time but it's never too late. Thank you for the article and hearing us.
Jessie, thanks for always bringing up those of us who have toxic mothers. I always feel left out of this conversation because people forget that mothers sometimes abandon their children. I saw the title of The Well's new podcast in my feed and immediately told myself I couldn't listen because they wouldn't be able to represent all mothers and that would be triggering for me. I know you have a wonderful mother (from what I've heard on Out Loud) so thank you.