By ANONYMOUS
My partner loves me very much. He does say so occasionally, but mostly his love is communicated through gestures.
He demonstrates his love through taking care of me when I am sick (read: hungover), being proud of my career and achievements, doing things he doesn’t enjoy without complaint, watching “Four Weddings”, driving me around to wherever I need to go and a million other little things.
He is loyal, intelligent, funny and my best friend.
But he doesn’t want children right now and can’t tell me whether or not he will change his mind in the future.
And he doesn’t really want to get married right now either and again he cannot say whether or not he can see it happening in the future.
This is a problem for me.
Now, I am only 27. I know have got heaps of time and I know I am thinking ahead. But that’s the kind of woman that I am, I think ahead.
I don’t want marriage and babies tomorrow. Or the next day. Or even next year!
I am happy to wait for the right time as long as I know we are on the same page, slowly heading in the same direction togther.
He knows I want these things. He also knows that if he said that marriage and children were off the cards completely, then I would have to leave the relationship.
So he doesn’t say “no” or “never”. He instead says “I don’t know”. This answer keeps me in a horrible limbo-land of indecision. Do I stay, hoping that my gut feeling he will change his mind is correct?
“If he is not ready at 35, maybe he won’t be ready at 36, or 39 or 40.”
Or do I leave, move on and try and find another partner who has similar priorities?
We’ve been together almost 3 years and I think he is the one. I feel it. I KNOW it in my bones. And I believe in my heart that he loves me too.
But he is 35 and if he is not ready at 35, maybe he won’t be ready at 36 or 39 or 40. And then where will that leave me?
I am at a loss and don’t know what to do. I want to be evolved and say “love is enough and damn these stupid traditions and shut up biological clock”. But it isn’t enough and I can’t turn it off.
It’s a wonderful relationship and one I think could endure many hardships. But I don’t want to have to try and convince him to share his life with me. I don’t want to have to beg, fight and negotiate with him. I don’t want to be this person, the needy, passive-aggressive, hurt person this situation is turning me into.
I feel resentful and he feels pressured.
So now what?
Now it’s over to you: do you have any advice for this reader?
Top Comments
I met my husband at 20, he told me he didn't want kids fairly early on but thought he would change his mind. He was worried about his ability to be a good father as his was a joke. But he didn't change his mind so in my late 20's I decided that the relationship was good, he was committed to me, he did love me and made me happy and that would be enough (and the yearnings for a baby did lessen and become easier to deal with). To my great surprise and joy he eventually did change his mind - when I was 39! We now have a wonderful 4 year old.
If you can talk to him about the reasons he doesn't want these things it might help your decision - although he may not be able to articulate it. A relationship counsellor may help here. In the end the decision is yours, you can't force him or (as many posts have said) you risk resentment on both sides.
Don't blame him or call him immature or uncommitted (like many posts have) he is an individual human being who has his own dreams, wants and needs - you just need to decide if he is enough of a match with you not a perfect match.
Good luck.
At age 35 a man should have a bit more self-conviction. And I can't help but feel that after 3 years he would be able to at least say that if it was that important to you he would consider it. It sounds like he does love you, so I'm tending to think that he doesn't want children, but doesn't want to say it to you. But still, after 3 years you deserve more, you deserve to know.
At 27 you are SO young, and have all the time and opportunity to meet someone else who is compatible with your ideas about children and all the rest. Don't feel too scared or too old to leave if you feel like he is not the right man for you.