"I watched the trailer for Fifty Shades Freed for the sex and it was actually frightening."

The first official teaser for Fifty Shades Freed has been released and, oh goodness, I already know what I’m doing for Valentine’s Day 2018.

Yes, we’re all going to pretend we don’t want to see it, but as women, it is our duty – nay, our obligation – to take our boyfriends/girlfriends/mothers with us and laugh.

Watch the trailer for  Fifty Shades Freed playing above to see all the action for yourself. 

From this first teaser, we can discern a few things:

1. More kinky sex (obviously)
2. A wedding (yes, pls)
3. A holiday (ooo Jamie Dornan’s abs)
4. A dark turn.

That all sounds completely unnecessary, but okay.

I thought it was important to pull apart the key moments from the trailer so we all know what to expect/can plan bathroom breaks/can gather a rough understanding of the storyline so when we see it, we can just focus on the sex:

Ana and Christian are genuinely getting married, even though they've been together for approximately no time at all.

Ana is impressed by the size of Christian's private plane, and it makes her smile.

They go on an tropical honeymoon and we're all allowed to objectify Christian Grey.

Sex, but also a little bit of swimming.

OH NO, BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENING INVOLVING A GUN AND A WOMAN. I FORGOT THERE WAS ALSO A PLOT I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST SEX.

KNIFE! OMG.

The introduction of this ~dark side~ is very confusing, and frankly, a little inconvenient for those of us who are here for one thing only. It's unnecessarily... stressful.

So, what will happen?

I feel ashamed to admit that although I've actually read the book, I have no idea. But I'm expecting some first-class comedy.

READ:

REVIEW: “I watched Fifty Shades Darker and I still haven’t recovered.”

A guy and girl watched Fifty Shades Darker. Here’s what they had to say.

18 things Fifty Shades Darker taught us about sex.

“I tried the vagina balls from Fifty Shades Darker, and here’s what I learned.”