by ANONYMOUS
“I want Dadddddddddy,” my four-year-old daughter screamed, sounding in real emotional distress. The sound pierced my ears straight through to my heart. She was crying because I said that we couldn’t have hot chips for dinner. My immediate reaction was not to feel sorry for her that she wanted her Daddy whom she loves, but rather I was angry.
The ‘Daddy’ she was referring to was the one that physically and emotionally abused me for years until I finally gathered up the courage to leave, escorted by police for my safety after he wrote my car off, with me inside it, whilst holding our daughter. He is a real gem.
I have had shared custody of our daughter for the last three years. I do not believe in taking away my daughter’s bond with her father, I’m not like that. Besides, it was me he wasn’t great with, not our daughter. I would never say a bad word about him to her as I grew up with my mother writing off my father to me and that never did me any good.
Strangely, a few months ago, my daughter’s father willingly gave me full custody as he said it was ‘the best’ for my daughter, very out of character for a control freak. Meanwhile, he has since admitted that it was because his current girlfriend gave him the decision between our daughter and herself as she wasn’t getting enough time with him in the evenings.
There was so much behind my frustration to my little princess crying out for her daddy. I wanted to say to her, “well Daddy didn’t love me the way that I thought was a good example for you to grow up with,” or “daddy loves someone else and is living happily ever after on the other side of town now,” or “guess what babe, all those Disney stories I read to you are rubbish and you shouldn’t rely on a man to save you, you need to pave your own life and if you are lucky you can be strong enough to understand and recognise real love, and that way when you choose to let it in you will have your happily ever after.”
We drove home to face the nighttime juggle that is to have a young child and not have any support, as she cried for her daddy it made me grit my teeth and honestly want to punch my steering wheel. I have taught myself something over the last few years of sleep deprived life, to just breathe and not react until I came up with some kind of responsible reply.
I put myself in her position and made myself experience her emotions. She was used to seeing her Daddy every single day. Then for reasons unbeknown to her, she didn’t. Why? Why couldn’t she see her Daddy if she wanted to? But he is fun, he loves her, he takes her bike riding, he takes her to the park. So why isn’t mummy letting me see him? Screw you Mum, I’m not brushing my teeth … “I want daddddddy!”
The truth is, it’s not mummy not letting her see her daddy. When the decision was being made I was so happy, and still am. But no one told me about the reality that they may cry out for the other parent when you are making them do the things they don’t want to do. I was not prepared for those moments of emotional distress that we would both experience. In my head, initially, when she would cry out for her Daddy I would get irritated because to me, she was just saying it because I was making her do something she didn’t want to do, and it used to hurt me. But after putting myself in her shoes I understand and now don’t feel that way if she ever cries for him.
Instead of getting frustrated that she is crying out for the person that I am so frustrated with, I turn it around and empathize with her, and love her more than she will ever know. Instead of getting frustrated and snapping, I let in the feelings of frustration in one breath, and exhale them out again. Then speak to my daughter with empathy and compassion and shower her with my love, although sometimes, through gritted teeth.
Anonymous is a Mamamia reader.
Top Comments
I read this article and could really empathise. My marriage ended 5 years ago because of repeated infidelity and (whilst it took me a long time to name it), emotional abuse. My children were 7 & 9 at the time. Over 5 years, the toxic & dishonest behaviour continues - a 3 year costly legal battle to access my share of the marital assets (whilst he and his new wife lived in our former marital home), claiming to not work and be incapacitated to maximise child support payment from ME whilst building a new home and buying a new luxury care I might add. It would have been soooo easy to have verbalised this to my children but I took the high road every time because at the end of the day it's my job to protect them, their innocence and most of all protect their right to believe their dad is a demi-god. There have countless times that's been a really difficult task. Like the many times, I get the judgement from my children because I can't be there at every school assembly or sports day like dad does. Like the writer, I take a silent deep breath and simply say "I'm so sorry darling, mum would love nothing more that to be there but I have to work. If I don't work, I can't afford to look after us and working hard for what we need and want is the values of this family". I know the day is coming that they'll start putting all the pieces together - I hear the dots being connected in some of the observations they make. I listen but don't comment. When they're both adults and they ask me for answers I'll give it to them - but only when I know that they're emotionally ready for that conversation. It's the firm view of those around me that they will judge him one day. If they do, it can only be because they have formed that opinion on their own and I have in no way, shape or form been responsible for planting a toxic seed that they would quite rightly judge me for too. So for now it's my job as their mum to cocoon them from "adult business". For now I'll just continue to take deep breaths when necessary, love them and let them believe their dad is a super-hero. The fact that I have 2 amazing and well adjusted children and can sleep well at night with a clear conscience tells me I've made the right decision.
Sending you and your daughter love & light. Have faith (as I do) that you are raising an amazing human being who will one day have the knowledge and insight to realise how deeply you've loved her and the lengths you've gone to protect her and make her world a beautiful place xx
I left my boys dad when my youngest was 8 months old as he became abusive and controlling. When my youngest was 3 their dad decided that he doesn't want to be in their lives as ' he needed to move on with his life'. It is only this year when my youngest is nearly 9 that I started telling them the truth about their dad. Their dad became this legendary figure in their heads and my youngest was struggling with the idea that tis 'amazing' man doesn't want him in his life. It played on his self esteem and self worth and I believe that he deserved to know the truth about his dad and realize that his fathers decision was not his fault.. Beautifully written and I commend you for your patience, I know it's not easy x