Step-parenting is ridiculously hard.
Last year it almost cost us our relationship.
I write so many posts about new info I’ve read or theories I’ve heard psychologists talk about, in the hope to spread some clarity on the subject.
But the truth is, mainly… it’s f*cked. It’s sooooooo hard.
Watch: Constance Hall on No Filter. Post continues below.
It’s like being one family torn in so many different directions. Instincts go one way, heart goes another and head goes altogether.
And to top it off, most couples pretend it’s all perfect with smug photos on social media about how amazing their Brady Bunch family is that have just blended together perfectly with no hiccups at all.
At the end of last year, with work stresses as well, it all just felt too hard, I wanted to raise the kids one way, my husband raised his another way. He is stricter than me, comparing our kids was making us hate each other and I felt a ball of fury burning inside me every time he disciplined my little boundary pushers.
He felt that same fury when he saw how they disrespect me; they felt the same fury when he butted in and so on and so on.
I don’t have the answers, this is not a light bulb moment blog.
But after the most challenging time of our relationship, this is what I learned and try to remind myself all the time.
– All kids are different, you cannot simply say that one system will work for all kids. “This worked for my kid so it will work for yours,” is like saying “this is how I trained my dog to sit, so it will work for your horse.”
– Our job as parents is not to control children, but to guide them.
– The term ‘discipline’ is derived from the term disciple, meaning to instruct with knowledge.
– If you love someone, trust them and the intuition they have for their children’s best interests, that often means stepping back, even when you don’t want to.
– You fell in love with your partner, not their children and that’s ok. At most, you will be like another parent and at the least, you will be a good friend. But most of all your job as a step-parent is to show the kids what real love looks like. Be the example of what a healthy relationship looks like by loving the shit out of your lover.
There is the silver lining, you score some rad little turds, who might make your life hell but one day might mean the world to you.
Me and Denz pulled through, we remembered that we are just two soulmates being challenged with very tough circumstances. But most importantly, we are a team, our family is crazy and beautiful and impossible and perfect.
We made time for us again and remembered what a ‘perfect us’ is to be a part of.
Go out!!! Have fun!! F*ck in the car!! Tell your lover exactly how beautiful every line on their face and freckle on their nose is.
Love Love Love.
Con.
This post originally appeared on Facebook and has been republished with full permission.
Feature Image: Facebook / Constance Hall.
Top Comments
I have a couple of friends whom I watched over years as their kids walk all over them, being astonishingly rude and disrespectful. These friends tiptoe around their kids lest they 'set them off', unknowingly reinforcing this behaviour because their kids rapidly learn that an extended tantrum will deliver all they desire.
I've watched as these parents take umbrage at strangers when their kids appalling public behaviour has been admonished by said strangers. Constance's 'ball of fury' manifested. One couple refuses to return to a restaurant that insisted that their kids weren't to run between diners yelling. I internally cheered the restaurant. I'm insistent that kids that are guests in our house follow our rules. There are limits to what you can consistently insist upon with friends in public, without risking a rep as a bit of an ogre.
I know four such families and each of these families has at least one kid in therapy. I'm completely pro-therapy, but, in my social circle, I note an almost exclusive association at these young ages with unstructured parenting styles.
I think I'm with Denzy on this one - kids need structure. Control them lest they control you. Don't take sh*t from your kids or it will amplify as they reach their teens and create a rod for your back and problems for them. A balance needs to be struck between teaching kids that certain behaviours are unacceptable (disrespect has consequences) and fostering kids' initiative, independence and ability to lead. I'm of the opinion that you need to do more than 'guide' young children, they need to bump up against your boundaries, as they will bum up against boundaries in the wider world. This lays down the foundation for self-governing behaviour meaning that later, you truly can step back from an authoritarian style and just guide.
Fingers crossed that I achieve this balance, it's a work in progress.
I would rather read your article on the subject Gu3st
Well, thank you, LBD.