Hey Dad!A Current Affair
Warning: This post features explicit details of child sexual abuse that could be triggering for some readers.
Okay, the time has finally come. It’s time I raised my voice about child sex abuse.
Ten minutes ago, I read Bec Sparrow’s article recapping the interview with cast members of the 1980’s sitcom, Hey Dad!, which aired on A Current Affair last night, about the recent prosecution of Robert Hughes. Bec’s article left me vigorously nodding my head in agreement and whooping for joy for her honesty and compassion. The courage of Ben Oxenbould, Simone Buchanan and Sarah Monahan for speaking up and exposing Robert Hughes for the evil paedohpile he is, is empowering. Though, Bec stumbled upon an issue – not just child sex abuse – which is infecting society and is only growing larger;
“At first I thought this story was about the TV industry. But it’s not. Because the covering up of child sexual abuse is everywhere. In the army. The church. Sporting associations. Schools. Families. Everywhere there are people turning a blind eye. Looking away. Pretending not to notice that a child is being molested.”
Child abuse was and is still being covered up.
And, how do I know that? Because, between the ages of ten and twelve, my brother was sexually abused. Though, what is atypical to many child sex abuse cases was that my brother was being molested by other little boys in his class.
For almost one year, my little brother was sexually tortured by these boys, foreign objects being shoved up his bottom, groping and abusing his penis; he was daily being molested. These despicable acts did not only occur in sports lockers or in the toilets, but in class rooms, under desks and on sporting fields where people could see and hear his cries, though they just didn’t bother to watch or listen.
After nearly a year of suffering through the abuse being committed to him, my brother courageously spoke up to my mum. Though, this is not an article only about the sex abuse which my brother endured.
This is about how it was covered up.
The school was promptly alerted to the concerning problems taking place and their first reaction was to call all the perpetrating boys into the school office and question their involvement. Surprisingly, they all admitted to sexual abusing my brother. One of them, the main offender, was proud as punch.
Furthermore, the school confessed that this primary, perpetrating boy had been expelled from his previous school for the same actions. That he had been reported for exposing himself to neighbours and other school friends. That still, despite the fact that this boy was a known sexual predator, he was accepted on a full scholarship to their prestigious private all-boys school.
When my mother called for answers or some sort of justice for her son, the school answered with “well, you must understand that boys will be boys”.
On what planet is child molestation just boys being boys?
After accepting the fact that my brother was being sexually abused, his school offered the services of their counsellor to him who also came with an endless list of apparent qualifications. They refused to provide counselling to the central perpetrator because according to them, it was my brother who needed the help, not the child sex offender.
Yet, within two minutes of my brother’s first counselling session, the counsellor asked my twelve year old brother if he was gay? If, possibly, him being gay (which he is not) could have made the boys think that he was “asking for it”?
On what planet does a counsellor blame a person’s possible, and incorrect, sexuality on whether they were sexually abused or not?
When staff at my brother’s school learnt of the abuse, they paired him on assignments with this boy so my brother could “overcome his little issues”. Apparently, my brother was the one who had issues. And, when my mother quietly spoke to another parent about the sexual abuse, the parent admitted the same actions were committed to her son, at the same school and she had just come to accept it.
On what planet do schools continue to expose a little boy to his predator? Or, do parents just accept sexual abuse being inflicted to their children?
Let me tell you, all these shocking acts by schools, staff members and parents occurs on the planet we live on. And, it occurs now. This isn’t a story from the 1980s or earlier, this is a true story from 2011.
My brother has since left the school and we, as a family, have decided to take no legal action at this point of time. My brother deserves whatever he has left of a childhood and he also deserves to go to school where people do not snigger or laugh when they hear what happened to him. Because, that’s also what happened. He was labelled gay and a poofter for being sexually abused.
An incredibly important part of the healing process for my brother, if there really can be a “healing process”, was receiving intense counselling and being surrounded by strong and caring male role models. His family and true friends did not blame him for the horrific actions which he suffered and we all tried our best to support my brother through the rollercoaster of emotions he experienced – anger, injustice, hurt and violation.
One day, my brother and hopefully other boys who were sexually abused at that school, will come together and seek justice for the mortifying and life-changing injustices which were committed against them.
I speak to so many people who choose to sit in their world of naivety and believe that a) boys can’t molest other boys and b) sex abuse against children is something of the previous century. And, many people act this way because just like my brother’s school, teachers and other parents, it’s just easier to deny the truth than to stand up for the violated little boys and girls.
It’s too damn easy for people to live on their separate planet and blame a little boy for being gay, or excuse sexual abuse with “boys being boys” or to point and laugh at my brother for being a victim of sexual abuse.
But, it’s time that as a society we stopped blaming the victim to try and make the truth of child sex abuse go away and begin to question firstly why child abuse happens, indifferent to the perpetrator being an adult or a child. And secondly, we need to prosecute the people who cover sexual abuse up. The people who thought it was okay for my brother to be molested. The schools and staff members who justify sexual abuse and prefer just to close their eyes and cover their ears.
When the school turned a blind eye to the sex abuse occurring to my brother, they didn’t just turn their back on one boy – but many. They refused to help the central perpetrator who was clearly suffering in his own way, the other boys at that school who were too frightened to raise their voice and the millions of child abuse victims around the world.
Like my brother, victims of child sex abuse deserve far more than silence. They deserve your voice. They deserve the voice of a nation so that one day they can tell their stories and not fear prejudice or discrimination.
Most of all, they deserve the right to a childhood – a safe one.
If this post brings up any issues for you, you can contact Bravehearts (an organisation providing support to victims of child abuse) here.
If you are concerned about the welfare of a child, you can get advice from the Child Abuse Protection Hotline by calling 1800 688 009, or visiting their website. You can also call the 24-hour Child Abuse Report Line (131 478).
Top Comments
Dear Mamamia, could you please feature this letter from the mother more prominently please. I think it's important that everyone reads it. Perhaps in the form of an article?
I am the mother of this boy, the one who suffered abuse from another child in his class. I have read some of the comments and I thank those of you who showed empathy for my son and also for the other boy. There were more than two victims in this situation. I also read, with understanding, a lot of the comments angry that the perception was that as a family we were continuing to contribute to the cover up by not naming and shaming, by not taking legal action, by not reporting it. Prior to this happening to our family, I would have no doubt, thought the same thoughts as many of you. This situation that we continue to "manage" has taught us something. That nothing is as it seems, and even if you are in the right, sometimes that's not enough.
I have decided to say something on here, mainly to appease those of you who seemed to show genuine concern. And some of my reasons for doing this is to hopefully make another family aware of how easily this can happen, right under your own nose.
There are only so many words you can write for an article so everything that we have done and been through cannot be portrayed. However, that wasn't the point of the article. It was trying to portray cover ups. And yes, it does seem that as a family we are doing the same.
I had become aware of some bullying towards my son, but in the early stages he had not made me aware of the extent. It was not until mid year that my son finally broke down, sobbing hysterically, begging me to not send him to school. When I asked him what was going on he started to plead with me to not ask him to say it. He told me I would be ashamed of him and I'd hate him. Try and imagine how that feels as a parent, to see and hear such anguish from your child, with them thinking you will be ashamed of them. He could not get the words out to tell me. His dad was on a business trip, but my son did not want to tell him either. So I phoned my brother, a favourite uncle, who is a senior police officer. My son felt comfortable talking to him. After two and half hours, my brother informs me that it is what we feared, but rather than an adult it was a child in his own class. My brother indicated that it was serious and I should report it to the school. He talked me through the process and what should happen. You see, what you think should be cut and dry, is not that way at all. There were many factors that play out. I had to first report it to the school. They then had to follow the steps that they feel is necessary. This is to protect people from false statements, I understand that. The school is to make their own investigation and decide what needs to occur.
My son sat down with another police officer and drew what had happened to him. It was vile. We reported it to the school. After that everything else happened so quickly. Suddenly my son was coming home battered and bruised. A female teacher decided to help him "get over his little issue" and put him among the boy and his friends. My son ended up with a broken arm in three places. The teacher didn't see a thing, apparently. His own teacher denied any of the actions that my son said was happening in the classroom. Older students started to threaten my son. A parent told me to stop causing trouble, that my son just had to harden up. Another parent approached me and said this happened to her son as well, but he got over it. Other parents questioned me and my son, suggesting we were making it up. There were two other boys that my son knew were being targetted by this other boy. He begged them to speak up. They wouldn't. The school counsellor suggested that my son asked for it, as he may be gay.
I cannot express how enraged, disappointed, shocked and stressed we were as a family. Our immediate concern was for our son/brother and removing him from the school. It was clear that the school was not going to take ownership. Instead, adults chose to turn on a little boy, protecting their careers and school name.
We sought private counselling, recommended by the police. A report has been filed with the police counsellor. Child Services don't want to know about it. The counsellor has talked us all through what our son/brother will be feeling, how he will feel in the future and signs to look out for that may be triggering a relapse. Does he feel there has been no justice? Absolutely. And with every life experience his feelings will change on the matter. Because he was so young, he didn't fully understand the violation. He just thought it was unfair because the other boy didn't get into trouble. It felt like he was the one in trouble. But, because the process to pursue legal action would be daunting and stressful, stripping my son of his childhood, police, counsellor and a couple of legal advisors have all recommended to leave action until my son decides he wants to. It may be in two years, it may be in twenty. But it has to be when he can cope. His mental health now is the most important.
So, why didn't the police charge in and do something. It is about proof. We needed teachers to speak up, we needed other parents to come forward. It was an eleven year old boy's word against a battalion of adults, all with calculated stories. The admission of the boy was not enough. As for naming and shaming, we could be held liable, and we don't have the money to fight. And, although my son's identity would not be public, the community would know. Trust me, they would know. Twelve months after leaving the school my son was being bullied by parents and boys from that school - calling him names and trying to harm him - because he was a dobber. We didn't even know these families, but they knew who he was.
My main disappointment is not solely at the school, or the teachers. I hold them accountable. They have a reputation to protect - let's face it - it's not about the boys at the school but rather the image which then lures parents to pay to send their boys to the school. (For the record, my son was on an academic scholarship to the school - hence why we were affording the cost). My greatest disappointment was in the parents who did not support us. The parents who admitted their own boys had been through the same thing and we should just shut up. It was parents who thought we over-reacted. It was parents that felt it was OK. It was parents who didn't want to believe. We could have come together - more voices, but they too were afraid. However, they continued to send their boys to the school. We removed our son and sought help for him. I try to not judge the parents or the teachers. Teachers were also protecting their careers. Parents were perhaps feeling as helpless as we did.
So, yes more boys will suffer. There is no doubt. It's been going on for hundreds of years. I feel sickened by it.
We did report the abuse but despite an admission from the boy, we have very little to report. All we can do is wait until another voice needs to be heard and we join forces. So for all the rights we think we have, and for all the actions you think should occur, it's just not the case. Yes, schools/teachers are obliged to report abuse, but it's really up to them. If they chose to not, then how do children stand up to that. As his mother I can't be a witness. I wasn't at the school. I didn't see anything.
My son is making great progress now. He is surrounded by amazing male role models helping to develop him into a young man, giving him confidence and belief in himself again.
He does not need to own this abuse. He needs to recover and not be judged. As a family, we have been to hell and back. We have been stressed to breaking point. Our son needs a functioning, happy and supportive family. We have worked with a wonderful counsellor. We cannot be consumed by this. We can't stop current abuse, but perhaps, slowly we can raise awareness through stories like my daughter wrote. And when my son is ready, I am sure he will do something of greatness to bring further attention to this issue.
Please understand.....
I agree completely, it is not your sons job to protect others from this boy. It s the schools responsibility to make sure no further harm comes to any other children in their care and also the boy himself should be receiving the kind of help he clearly needs. If this is ignored, many more lives may be destroyed. You have given authorities enough to proceed, it's your time to heal.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I feel so sad about this situation for your whole family, it is horrible and unfair. And it is easy for those of us who haven't experienced it to imagine you just tell the police and suddenly it gets sorted out but of course its never that simple. I listen to the stories of the people abused by the priests and guardians at the royal commission into child abuse and am horrified that there was so few people willing to speak up for all those children. Its easy to think it wouldn't hapen now but clearly it still does. It takes many voices to affect change. I'm so sorry you havent had the support. Your son has been very brave for speaking out.
Thank you for your post and heart for this topic. I was abused by a boy who lived next door for years before my family realized what was going on. As the youngest of four I was not noticed as much as the first. My oldest sister "caught" us during an incident and I was punished and the abuse continued. I was ashamed to ask for help because I thought I was bad. My second oldest sister was grabbed by the father of my perpetrator and she reported it to my parents which decided soon after to move. No legal action was ever taken. Looking back I know that the child was only acting on what he had been taught by his father. Still hurtful to me but I now have sympathy for him as well. I wish your son and your family all the best and I pray that he will overcome and use the experience for good in the future. I am working towards a degree in counseling now so I can help others in need. 2 Corinthians 1:4 has become my motto.