This article deals with an account of miscarriage that could be triggering for some readers.
One in four pregnancies in Australia results in miscarriage.
A staggering statistic really, considering how little people actually talk about miscarriage. This risk increases when you’re pregnant over the age of 35.
For centuries, women have dutifully abided by the ‘12-week rule’, and not announced their pregnancies until they’re in the ‘safe’ zone. You know, in case something goes wrong.
It also means that to an extent, miscarriages have been shrouded in mystery, and women largely suffer the trauma in silence.
Radio host Bianca Dye has broken that silence.
She was nine weeks into her pregnancy following the first cycle of IVF with partner Jay Sandtner, when doctors confirmed she had suffered a miscarriage.
“The words ‘I’m sorry but there’s no heartbeat’ are the most traumatic words you will ever hear,” Bianca said afterwards.
TRIGGER WARNING: The following video is Bianca’s raw account of finding out she’s miscarried.
Bianca took some time off from co-presenting 97.3FM’s Bianca, Mike and Bob show and told listeners what had happened, gave an interview to The Courier Mail and posted about it on Instagram. She told Mamamia the support she’s received has been overwhelming.
“I’m still getting the most beautiful messages,” Bianca told Mamamia.
“I’ve lived my life in the public eye for so long and I’m open and honest in all areas of my life, I realised I had to be consistent. I couldn’t pick and choose what to put out there or give a ‘highlight reel’ of my life.
“The reaction was unbelievable. So many women in the exact same situation as me. One messaged to say she’d also been nine weeks pregnant and her partner had just bought a little t-shirt and they were allowing themselves to get excited about it when it happened.”
Men were messaging in their droves, too.
“They sent me lovely messages, telling me their wife had opened up to them about miscarriage after hearing me talk about it on the radio,” Bianca revealed.
“I realised this was something people needed to talk about. It almost ‘normalised’ it for me, maybe that’s not the right word, but there is still such a stigma around talking about miscarriage.”
Stigma, shame, and a sense of guilt surrounding miscarriage are factors Bianca wants to address, along with whether waiting 12 weeks to tell people you’re pregnant is actually helpful for everyone.
“Often waiting until 12 weeks will leave you totally isolated. I was terrified what I was eating, terrified what I was doing, terrified to sneeze.”
“And then you have this feeling of shame when you miscarry - but why? It’s part of the fertility journey.
“Obviously mine was what’s become known as a ‘geriatric pregnancy’ [pregnancy over the age of 35] so you’re more likely to miscarry. The journey is hard enough as it is to not be open about it."
“It was my third miscarriage and I realised how uncomfortable it made some people to talk about," Bianca continued. “You know, the looks of pity or the eyes straight to the floor. I’m not afraid to talk about uncomfortable subjects and yeah, talking about it has been a huge part of my healing process.
“I always think of myself as a tough cookie, but I really needed the support and needed to share. It felt like Brisbane (and beyond!) was giving me one big collective hug.”
Bianca says it’s really important to remember every woman will have a different reaction and going back to work was very difficult for her personally.
“The important thing to remember here is not to judge as everyone is different and will deal with a miscarriage differently,” she said. “I had a suction curettage [also known as vacuum aspiration] where they clear your uterus out, so to speak.
“I took 10 days off. I honestly didn’t think I’d need that. But I did.
"I just couldn’t face being the funny girl on the radio again.
“When I went back to work, I end up having bad diarrhoea and I called my producer and was like ‘I can’t do it, I can’t face the world yet.’
“So I went home again.
“Yes, some women will be back at work the next day and power to them if staying busy is the right option for them. Everyone is different. You need to do what you need to do.
“I drank wine every night for two weeks as I just wanted to numb myself from the pain then my body was like ‘that’s enough now’ so I stopped. I put my big girl pants on and got ready to try again."
Her parting words of advice for those dealing with a miscarriage is simple:
“You should never ever feel ashamed."
If this article has raised any issues for you or if you would like to speak with someone, please contact the SANDS Australia 24 hour support line on 1300 072 637.
Join the community of women, men and families who have lost a child in our private Facebook group.
Top Comments
I'm glad there is slowly becoming less stigma. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Sad, of course, but not ashamed.
But we should also recognize that not everyone has the same coping style and some women keep it a secret as that is how they come best.
I miscarried recently at 7 weeks. I was really upset, but I didn't tell anyone except my husband and I am glad I didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy, not even my mother. I know everyone around me would have been sympathetic and supportive, but I cope best with things by distraction, soldiering on, and time. I couldn't bear the idea of telling my friends or family of the miscarriage because I would become so upset and everything becomes much harder... I can cope as long as I don't need to talk about it. One day I will be able to discuss it retrospectively once enough time has passed (I am definitely not ashamed of it, I would never deny it) .. But not now, it is too hard. I am grateful that by not sharing my pregnancy I don't have to. I should also flag that my preference to deal with things by myself applies to all forms of grief. It's just that an early miscarriage is unique as I can more easily keep it to myself.
I am so glad that more women feel they can be open and seek support. But just because someone doesn't, it doesn't mean they are worried about stigma, they might just cope differently.
Totally agree. I’ve never felt a stigma over having miscarriages, it’s just too damn painful to talk about at the time. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.