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As a police officer you see some amazing things. You step very briefly into the lives of strangers and are offered an amazing insight into the community you police. During my first couple of months of work, my partner and I were called to the scene of a man standing on the side of a bridge threatening to jump. It was the early hours of the morning. Like so many of the jobs I attended during my first few years, I felt completely useless. I was 22 years old and had less than 6 months policing experience. What did I know about life? Not much. What did I know about policing? Almost nothing. What could I say to this man to convince him to step away from the edge?
Thankfully my partner did all of the talking. The man told us he was married with kids and today was his 30th birthday. I reeled. This man was well dressed and presentable even at this time of night. But 30? 30 was when life was meant to be sorted and worked out, wasn’t it? That was the age when you had everything in the basket and you could sit back and enjoy the spouse (naturally) and the kids (probably a couple), whilst living in your own home hosting the occasional dinner party. Hmm. Yep, that’s how I was going to be. That’s how my parents were. So I was convinced of it. My partner talked this man off the bridge that night but like a lot of those first policing experiences, the man stayed with me for years to come. I felt so terribly sad for him and couldn’t imagine what nightmares had driven him to that bridge.
So, my 20′s looked something like this as I worked towards my 30 year deadline.
I worked hard and partied hard; check and check. I fell in love (a few times); check. I had my heart broken (a few times); check. I travelled overseas; check. I worked overseas (bonus); check. I was a finalist for the ‘ACT Young Australian of the Year’ (laughable but..); check. One year I appeared as one of Cosmo magazine’s ’30 Most Successful People Under 30′ (even more laughable but I still have the edition, so..); check. I continued to study and earned a Masters; check. I met a man who gave me a ring; check. We got ourselves a mortgage; check. We had a big, flash wedding: check!
A few months after our wedding in my 28th year (I was so close) I watched my Mum (my world) be attacked and then killed in the most deplorable, horrific way, by a disease whose name I could not pronounce. One year after my Mum died almost to the day, that man who had given me that ring told me our marriage was over. Divorced; check. Humiliated; check. Failed; check. I thought of the man on the bridge.
We had been living overseas so I flew back to Australia. To the town I grew up. To the house I had lived most of my life. To my Dad. To his grief and to mine. Without Mum, whose arms I needed around me and whose head I needed to dissect what had happened. Those months living back at home were the lowest of my life. I didn’t know how to put one foot in front of the other to start again. I was almost 30.
My dad cooked for me and attempted to solve the logistical problems of my life. He took me out and taught me how to play golf. He said, ‘keep your head down when you hit the ball’. ‘Follow your swing through with your entire body.’ He said ‘don’t worry if your ball goes astray, 18 holes is a long way’ and most importantly ‘Kate, stop, look around and enjoy the walk’. And I did.
So, with my employer’s help I transferred to Sydney and with Dad’s help I found a one bedroom unit and paid rent I couldn’t afford. And I turned 30. Living alone and so afraid. The day after my 30th birthday, I walked back into work. Into a new office where intentionally I did not know anyone and they did not know me. I held my head as high as I could and I started again.
I worked hard. I kept my head down and followed through with all I had. And very slowly, I started to look around and enjoy where life had taken me. I enjoyed the journey. My journey. And you know what? My 30th year turned out to be nothing like I had dreamed of, imagined or hoped for.
It turned out to be so much better than that.
Kate has been a police officer in the AFP for 12 years, having worked mostly in Canberra, Sydney and Darwin. She has 2 children (Kalani 3yrs and Xavi 1yr) and lives with them and her partner in NSW.
Where has your life taken you and what did you learn along the way?
Comments
77 Comments so far
Rape victim: check. Losing two best friends to suicide: check. Minimum wage job (charity): check. Not the life I planned.
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This is so poignant for me right now. I have struggled the past year since becoming single, finding out I was being cheated on and losing my house because of it… Until I woke up one day, moved back to my previous town and got on with life. Surrounded myself with family and friends…
And boy! How amazing life is now!!! I’m so much happier. Life is enjoyable again in every way.
Who cares how old you are when you get on with life? Who cares if you’re single or involved, have kids or no kids, have a career or just a job? I’ve learnt more about myself in the last year than I have in my whole life. Im so much stronger than I ever imagined and so much more aware now of happiness and what it means to truly feel it. I hope everyone gets to experience life this way!!
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Kate, you gave me goosebumps. I love this story so much. I’m not a regular reader, just the occasional ZF review, but this is the best writing I’ve read on here. Bravo Kate.
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I never wanted the white picket fence, husband and children. I never thought about what I wanted instead – after a really crap childhood, just to be loved I suppose. At 45 with a house in the burbs, a fantastic partner and two fur children, I couldn’t ask for more. Yeah, life is a stuggle sometimes and I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself how did I get to be the middle-aged, chubby woman I am today, but I am grateful for every day that I have. I feel blessed with my ordinary life, my ordinary house and the everyday ordinary choices I’ve made to get here.
Thoughts and prayers to all those still battling health, love and life xox
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Oh I hear ya. I had the trifecta…family/house/job. And then at 33 I had nothing. Or so I thought. My husband walked out just after our second child’s first birthday, my job fell through and I had nowhere to live. I felt a complete and utter failure. But then at 35 after two painful years of pulling myself back up by my boot straps – what an amazing life I was leading. Back at school learning a new profession, a beautiful home (as opposed the ‘house’ I previously had) and the blessing of a wonderful family and true friends who let me know I was loved, appreciated and far, far, far from a failure. What a great lesson to learn. Life may not turn out as we planned, but sometimes that’s the greatest gift of all…
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This might seem a bit left-field for most peeps but in astrology there is a concept known as the ’29th return’. When you turn 29 the planet Saturn returns to the same place in the sky where it was the day you were born. Saturn is the planet that insists you behave like an adult rather than a child. It gives you a big kick up the bum in whatever area of your life there has been too much fantasy and not enough reality/work. It makes you do the hard yards. And it hurts. If you pay attention you might notice a lot of people in the 28-33 year age bracket going through a bit of a mini mid-life crisis. But when you come out the other side you should have much better foundations for the life you want to create. Hope that makes sense.
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Im not one for astrology- but if there is something to this, it certainly makes a lot more sense in relation to my ex.
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When I was 29 my dad died. And then I met my husband.
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Makes sense?
It defies both logic and science.
IT sounds like the superstitions of primitive jungle dwelling tribes who still eat their neighbours.
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Yes!
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Thank you for sharing this story Kate. Until recently I held the same idea about 30 that you had at 22 but as more of my friends have become people 8-10 years older than me, part of me realised that journey’s can lead you in all kinds of directions and age really isn’t a destination.
Now I’m focused on living in the moment and enjoying it with less pressure on age-based milestones. I still have goals, but I don’t label them based on age any more. Expectations can make for good guidelines, but sometimes the unexpected is what makes life such an interesting adventure.
Your story is touching and inspiring. It’s also just what I needed to read today.
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Your Dad sounds lovely. My Dad died of cancer when I was twelve so I take great delight in listening to my friends anecdotes of their fathers offering support. I love how their words seem to be so few but so wise.
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You need to put lifeline info at the bottom of this post. You should do that for any posts that talk about suicide or death and disease.
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I second this – it’s really important to include support info for any posts like this.
Lifeline’s number is 13 11 14 and they have support and more info at http://www.lifeline.org.au
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What a great story – thank you for sharing. When i was 28 my beautiful and brave husband (also 28) died from a rare cancer so it was just me and Kate 4 and James 2. that is a long story for another day. This weekend i finished helping my daughter – (now 28 last birthday and sad that she is the same age as phil was when he went home) – move to an older but healthier unit, following escape from an abusive relationship. She has just started her masters in education while being a super art teacher at a very difficult highschool in sydney west. she feels like you did. her dad played golf with me so i have posted this to her and i am so sure this will lift her up. bless you. Thank you to your readers for their sharing also. we are not alone.
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Kate, thanks so much for this post. This was almost exactly my own journey – a successful, intelligent young woman who felt like I had it all and then got hit with the death of my father and then my husband leaving me in my late 20s, back at home again, feeling humiliated and like a failure. And I looked around at my friends who all had husbands and houses and were starting to have children, and I felt incredibly alone, like I was the only person in the world who didn’t have it figured out (especially when I was smug enough to think I had!).
And like you, only a few years down the track I look back and I’m so grateful for the lessons that experience taught me and for the happiness I have in my life now.
Thanks so much for sharing this post. I feel like I know exactly how you felt.
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Wow, this sounds awfully similar to my current situation. The man I adore and am married to recently announced he doesn’t love me. Not looking forward to the journey I’m clearly on so hoping the destination is worth the heartbreak and struggle.
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I feel like I only really grew up when I realised that life wasn’t going to work out as I had always envisaged. One of the scourges of modern middle class life is the assumption we cosseted girls make that everything will work out as planned and desired. I spent my 30s hoping to meet someone to marry and have children with, but only ended up having a series of bad relationships. It was the hardest decade emotionally, as my reproductive years slipped through my fingers and I watched all my friends get what they and I wanted, but what I for some reason couldn’t make happen. In my 40s I realised my path would be different, consulted a shrink, and slowly came to terms with it. Now I’m mid-40s, with a loving partner, a great job, and a happy life. I still sometimes yearn for the unborn babies, the ones I might have had if fate had taken me down a different path (and if I hadn’t had so many ‘issues’ to deal with that I only realised I had when I consulted shrink) but I make an active choice to celebrate what I have in life rather than wish for what I don’t. It’s not always easy. But it helps to realise that “normal” is it not working out as planned. Getting the loving husband, kids, job, home, and having it all work beautifully ad infinitem – that’s freaky good luck.
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So so true “luck”, definitely not a gaurantee!
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At 52, 2 girls, huge house, he says he wants a divorce. I didn’t honk it was a bad marriage. My husband had been diagnosed with depression 2 years earlier after several suicide attemps but he said it he medication was working. I was never allowed to go to his therapists sessions. I assumed it was personal. After all he had one of the highest profile corporate jobs in Australia, we flew around the world to mix with heads of a corporate empire, they all thought he was tops, my friends thought he was tops, I thought he was tops.
4 months after moving out, I implored him to do counseling with me to try and get some understanding. He said it was all about me, I was the cause of his depression. On a $750,000 package he felt I should contribute more. I had worked with him in a successful career before marriage but I was burnt out and became the best mum the world had seen!
Then he started dating the brainy girl that reports to him, she moved in before the end of that year about the time I found a lump. Yes breast cancer. I was able to stay in house until after the chemo. I bought a wig and sold the house. We had to go to court 3 times as he did not want to abide by the divorce court rules. He started spending my share of the assets in ways that seemed legitimate but no one will listen except your own lawyer.
He started having dinner parties with my friends, taking my children up the road for Chinese with their children, taking his girlfriend in my seat on Sunday drives, even bought another 2 dogs. I felt like u know what! No husband, no job, no hair, no house, no sex life and at 52 everything starts creeping even if u go to gym and do weights. Taking tamoxifen adds three kilos. Not allowed to drink anymore. SO …a friend referred me to a therapist who saved my life if u know what I
mean. She could explain to me what had happened…the role of a personality disorder in the demise of the marriage, my role in pushing it under the carpet, his role in making me look like the cause of the divorce, how I should handle my girls and myself and the BPD ex-husband who still abuses me 3 years later.
I have 2 year clear checkup. I have retrained in my profession and started a good little business which is giving me back
My self esteem. I try to hold my head up.
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Congratulations Karen. You are an inspiration.
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Karen you rock! Keep on truckin’, sister x
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I may not have much to contribute. I am 25, I have travelled, I have a good job and a loving family (Mum and Dad + sister, not one I have created myself, yet). However, I still at times feel empty, lonely and fearful of the future. The what ifs can be paralysing and I feel guilty saying that when people are going through have gone through real dramas. I wish people like me could stop and think more often about what some of you have gone through and feel thankful for what we have. I hate how sometimes it seems people have to go through such intense fogs to see clearly. Thank you for sharing everyone, it’s your stories that give strength to those in similar situations and remind us all to be thankful for what we have today.
For those of you in the midst of current angst, I sincerely wish all of you the very best.
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Very well said
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Silvers23 every ones problem’s are relevant whether big or small. Never put your own thoughts down. I think you should go and see a counsellor and discuss your thoughts and hopefully get them put into some perspective. You are way too young to be having these dark thoughts. Please, please help yourself. You sound like a kind, loving young lady, so go and take good care of yourself.
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Thank you for your support and concern. I don’t need to see a counsellor as these thoughts aren’t constant and they aren’t debilatating. I was just trying to point out that at times everyone freaks out about where they are at and where they are going and that my fears/thoughts do seem insignificant compared to other people’s because mine haven’t even happened! I think this article gave me some perspective. Again, I appreciate your kind words.
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Reading this story & all of the wonderful responses gives me hope! I am younger than 30 but older than 20 and in the throws of change; relationship, work, what it all means, hell I’ve even moved back home to Mum & Dad! You are all amazing, stay strong & here’s cheers to enjoying the view, Jess x
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Nothing wrong with moving back home with Mum and Dad! You’re blessed to have the opportunity. Obviously don’t stay forever, but for the time that you can have the emotional and financial support, that’s totally okay. Don’t worry if all your friends have moved out and you’ve had to go back to your parents – you’re on your own journey in life.
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I had grand plans as a teenager of how my life would end up- I would go to uni, travel the world, meet the man of my dreams, marry and have at least one child by the time I was 30.
Im 28, have only been to NZ (does that count?!) and have been to uni. But am sadly still single. I’ve found this thought of being single and childless devastaing (this year in particular for some reason). But after reading some of these stories I need to realise that a man and children aren’t neccessarily the be all and end all.
Off to look at flights to Europe!! Thoughts to all doing it tough.
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I know *exactly* how you feel nursemim for I too recall having those same expectations when I was growing up! I am now 29 (30 in May) and am typing this from my partner’s auntie’s house in Northern England.
We’ve both quit our jobs and are travelling Europe (having my 30th in Paris) which is something I’ve always wanted to do but never imagined I would ever get to – it’s a huge risk financially and in our lives generally as my partner is British and we’re relying on his application to migrate to Australia to be accepted. Scarily they’ve asked for more evidence as to why we (Australia) should allow him to …so we can’t say how long we’ll be gone for or if he’ll even be allowed to come back at this stage.
Was it worth the gamble? Absolutely! Gone are the days where I had to plan everything to the nth degree, well, not everything, but you know what I mean…
Yes, at 30 I too expected to have a husband, house and kids (as well as good career) but instead I’m here, listening to the wind whistle and planning to visit Scotland for the first time next week. Had you asked me what I would be doing in the few months prior to my 30th a couple of years ago I certainly wouldn’t have answered with that!
We’re in the hands of fate now and that’s all part of the journey …my journey. I for one am enjoying the ride, whatever it throws at me!
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Life certainly didn’t turn out how I planned it. 15 years of marriage, 2 children, a home, a dog, both in great jobs. Sounds picture perfect….until the police raided our house searching for child pornography.
My ‘loving husband’ was leading a double life. By day he was a teacher in a private catholic school, by night he was collecting child porn and forming ‘relationships’ with boys on line.
In what I call my week of hell, I discovered that he had been cheating on me with indiscriminate men since before we were married and that he had been collecting child porn for years.
Talk about humiliated! My entire life was shattered. My children and I had no idea any of this was going on, there were no signs. He fooled us and every body who knew him, no one suspected a thing, until the charming local paper decided to run the story on the front page including his photo and details about me and the children.
Since then my life has completely changed. I never thought I could get through it, some days are still very hard for the 3 of us. Amazingly we have moved on, making successes out of every little step forward.
My dad told me in the days following the initial discoveries that I am ‘strong and I will get through it’. I didn’t believe him then but amazingly he was right!
One of the saddest things is the support he gets which we don’t. Rehabilitation for pedophiles exists but there is no support for the families left behind. We are the silent victims. His family stands by him and shuns us (their loss not mine) but the hypocrisy of the situation astounds me.
We all have our crosses to bear, some may feel like they are crushing you, but as my beautiful children said ‘we did nothing wrong why should we hide away’!
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I don’t know how you even begin to process the nightmare that you have been subjected to. No doubt, you will find out who your true friends are during this time. I wish you and your children all the best and hope you can move on with your lives.
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what a tragedy. totally incomprehensible.
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I am at a loss to know what to say to you, Ros. I am sending strength to you through the cosmos. You & your children will be in my prayers; please know that there is no sympathy for pedophiles where I come from.
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If someone wants to hide something, they do. I think people often wonder ‘surely you must have known that your partner … ‘. Of course you didn’t know.
You sound like a wonderfully strong person, despite going through hell. Wishing you all the best as you continue to grow stronger.
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On the night of my 30th, my husband threw me a huge party with all my friends and I was miserable. Getting over a miscarriage, after years of trying and being told I’d start IVF next cycle. I didnt want to mark my Bday but hubby insisted that we celebrate good things.
Found the night exhausting – pretending to be happy but wishing everyone would just leave my house and leave me alone. Knew I wasn’t where I wanted to be, physically and metaphorically. Felt angry at hubby for putting me in this painful social situation.
Was actually very very very lucky as that was the night my daughter was conceived!
Hindsight is always 20/20 but it doesn’t erase that painful time.
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In that in-between place right now. Not going down but certainly not going up either. Feel like I’m waiting for the big crack or else will just keep shuffling along with no oomph to push through…
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So many inspirational stories. I always try to tell myself that there is good to come from most things. It helps me through the hard times. I was a planner. High achiever. In a hurry to grow up. Checked everything off my list – good job, bought a flat, got married, financially secure etc etc.
Then I gave birth to Lauren and PND tore me apart. But that wasnt part of my plan! That wasnt meant to happen! I crumbled. After 2 years of treatment including psychiatric appointments, hospital stays, medication etc I began to see the light again. During that time I learned what was really important. I’ve stopped caring about what other people think of me. I’ve stopped worrying about the “I shoulds” and that damn life checklist and instead try to live in moment. I left a job I didn’t like and when I’m confident enough I will change careers. I dont make detailed future plans. Im content to just “go with it” and figure i will deal with any issues as they arise instead of stressing and trying to be prepared for every possible life scenario. I feel so much more free now that I’ve let go of my checklist.
Lauren turned 4 two weeks ago and is the light in my life
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In my deepest darkest black hole days, I got up every morning and just put one foot in front of the other. I had no idea how I got to this point in my life but I knew…just…keep…going…and when the fog lifted 5 years later, I had new friends that “got” me, my marriage was not only still in tact but was stronger than ever (still can’t figure that one out) two beautiful beautiful children and …. well… I was damned impressed with myself I was still here. If you’re in that horrible place right now…just…keep..going, the fog will eventually go
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Ali, can I ask how you stay better ? My mother is currently at her best , the past five years have been hard going & I imagine a constant struggle for her . I would do literally anything to help her stay well and would love any suggestions
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I saw turning 30 as a big milestone too. When younger, I had those dreams that by 30 I would have the great job, husband, kids, the house. Approching my 30th things were coming together. My work was going well although we had decided to relocate to Qld; my husband and I were trying for kids. And then things took a twist. My 30th was on a Wed. On the Thursday I was told we could never have children naturally. On the Friday we bought our house – the large family home we were supposed to be so happy in.
Life changed for me that week. We did relocate but my new job (in a senior role) was unsatisfying. Working the same hours and intensity I had before seemed pointless. So I quit it and took a community health job which was so much more rewarding. We started IVF. I never imagined that I would have to endure the physical and emotional pain that that caused us. After 6 cycles we had our beautiful daughter, and then after another 2 cycles we had our gorgeous son.
I thought we had finally been blessed, then another blow. “I’m sorry, you have a brain tumour”.
Now I keep trying to take one day at a time. I don’t have a job, but I have my wonderful husband, my miracle children. We are living comfortably in the suburbs. You never know what is around the corner. The important thing is to just keep on living, and enjoying whatever life throws at you.
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Im so sorry to hear about your illness.
You’re right though, one day at a time is sometimes all we can do. At one stage in my life I dealt with life one hour at a time.
Bless those little children of yours, arent they the magic that keeps it all turning.
I hope that you come out on the other side of this soon. xx
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I thought we had finally been blessed, then another blow. “I’m sorry, you have a brain tumour”.
I can totally understand this – my husband was diagnosed 8 months ago in his 30′s with a malignant brain tumour and it totally pulls the rug out from under your feet.
We have found over the last few months that it’s blessing is that you learn what is really important in life – your job, possessions etc are no longer important. Family and friends and being happy become what drives you. This has probably been a good lesson for my children as they learn the importance of making the most of every moment.
All the best with your treatment, you sound very strong (although I appreciate at times you may not feel it) and you have a wonderful positive attitude to what you are going through. Best wishes to you and your family.
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There seems to be a few of us here on Mamamia with a brain tumour or with a partner with a brain tumour. My husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour after a seizure at work in October last year. It has been a scary, roller coaster ride over the past 6 months but I can see a tinge of light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you are both finding your “new normal” ok and that things are looking up for you.
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Wow there do seem to be a few of us. So sorry to hear about your husband. And Kath, I hope that things are going well for your husband too.
Yep, finding a “new normal” is the hard part. It’s certainly not what I’d thought I’d be doing at this point in time. Hugs to you all.
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The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry…
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Thank you. Well written. And I completely relate.
Guys can go through similar stuff too.
My take: Life can always get better.
Thanks again for a really well written & sincerely beautiful story.
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I find this story truly inspiring especially with readers comments. Amazing how this story popped up at the right time. I am 31 years old and I was thinking about my life. I am married ave two beautiful boys,mortgage and I have started my own business so I can enjoy th lifestyle of being my own boss. But I feel empty for somewhat. I can’t explain but I feel lost and disappointed as i knew I should of made better decisions in my 20′s to fulfill my desire to be successful. But who has a crystal ball. I do wish I can turn back time and change my decision at certain points in time. But It is impossible. My aim now is to make my 30′s the best success ican!
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It’s not always such a bad thing to deviate from the carefully laid out plans you dreamed out when you were growing up. A lot of these ideas originate from the norms we see around us, our families, friends etc.
But we all have different journeys to take, different paths to follow. And even when things seem really bad, never stop learning from your experiences. You may realise you have strength you never thought you possessed, or courage you never thought possible.
Of course it’s nice to conjure up these plans that you want your life to follow. But I think most of us realise that not all things go according to plan, and that we have to be okay with that. Because that’s life.
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My mother’s life fell apart suddenly about two years ago. She always says how the life she expected to have just disappeared, which is why this article interested me.
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When I was a child in northern England, a tin of baked beans was divided into four, put on toast and called dinner. Regularly.
Despite my mum’s pleas to stop reading books and to watch more TV, I went to university, married and moved to Australia. We worked hard and ten years ago had a property portfolio (OK, two houses) worth $2 million.
I had a nervous breakdown (long story) and my marriage also broke down.
Now, ten years and two children on, I find myself delighted to discover bargains in Best & Less and am actually more excited about taking my girls to The Best Caravan Park In The World than I was about going to Paris.
Yay for life and its twists and turns
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My siblings and I grew up going to the same caravan park 3 hours away every school holiday from the time I was in about year 4 right up til I finished high school.
We became great friends with the kids in the van next door and still see them now. My brother is still mates with kids who stayed at that park in the summer holidays.
Best time of our lives – I have some great memories if going to the beach with dad, going shopping with mum… It was fantastic.
My parents took us to Bali twice and Singapore once but those holidays down south were the best.
Good luck on your quest to find the best caravan park in the world – you and your kids will have a ball.
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You, my dear, and your family put things in perspective for the rest of us. Thank you for your amazing words
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When I was nearly 25 my life fell off the planned path. We should have had it all. My then partner and I had been together for 5 years, we had 2 kids – a just turned 2 yr old boy and a newborn baby girl.
We lived in a nice house, ran our own business and I had the skills to temp work should we need more money.
We didnt have any savings, but we had a comfortable life.
One morning the downward spiral started. We woke to found our baby girl had died in the night. It was horrific, it was terrifying it was our worst nightmare.
12 months later, I was still very much in the grief of it all when I discovered my partner had developed an addiction to pain killers and had been fired for stealing. He job hopped over the next 8 months, and with the help of our then 3 yr old son I dragged myself back up out of the muddy waters of grief.
The next blow came when my partner was arrested. He had held up a pharmacy. I was 6 months pregnant with our next child.
He was released when I had 6 weeks left to go, and within hours arrested again, for a crime committed before the other one.
I was alone, nearly 8 months pregnant, scared out of my mind and had a 3.5 yr old depending on me.
We lost everything. I couldnt work (I was about to have a baby!) he had not been paying rent (he was spending it all), our car loans defaulted and when my baby girl was 2 weeks old our family car was repossessed.
By this stage I was 27 and I had nothing.
He did come back home, we got married and then the drug addiction got worse and I kicked him out. I became a single mother of two kids, about to be divorced and I wasnt even 30. I couldnt understand why my life had turned out like this. I had no friends left, I nearly had no home and I was at the bottom
I decided I had to go to uni, I had to provide my kids with the life that they should have had.
So I did. I now have an amazing job, a supportive boyfriend, savings in the bank, well adjusted happy kids (who do see their dad up to 4 times a week), I own a car outright, I am in front on bills, I pay for private education, and extra-curricular activities without any assistance from their father.
I put myself back together. Stronger for it.
I turned 30 last month. I had a party with my family and my friends, new friends – who know the story, know where I came from and love the person I am today.
I am glad I had that journey in my 20’s, I am glad I can hit 30 with an appreciation for what I have, and how hard I have had to work for it.
My ex took almost everything from me, but he could never take my strength.
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Wow, you’re a real inspiration! Good for you girl
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Wow. You are a bit amazing. Your strength is inspiring. Wishing you many happy years ahead after the rough years behind you xx
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Thanks for sharing your story, I found it very inspiring!
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Wow.
Michelle and Kate, give yourselves a big round of applause. You show exactly what we’re capable of when we’ve got our backs against the wall.
Kudos to you both for not giving up or in. Your children have great role models.
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Wow what an amazing turn around. Very inspirational
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Can I ask what uni course you did? 27 – 30 seems like a very short time to turn your life around and go from starting uni to having an amazing job and savings in the bank. Well done. (This is a genuine question and observation, I’m not having a go at you. Only answer if you feel like it.)
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No it’s ok. I studied a bach applied finance. I was workng as an accounts assistant a really crappy job, but it helped.
Studying got me a better job, and I recently got promoted to assistant manager.
The fact that I hadnt really left the work force helped me, I already had a cert III in business admin. But I wasnt working full time and I wasnt in a job that would even start to cover the bills that would start coming in once my son started school.
I did have to go bankrupt, which wasnt ideal, but the only way to start moving forward.
As of this month I am off sole parenting completely and I have budgeted very very hard to have savings. I hope to buy a house in the next 18 months or so…
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Good for you. I wish you every success.
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i didn’t realise the personal, emotional and physical toll of my ambition. I’ve slowly been clawing my way back from rock bottom.
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I too am a police officer and although I joined the job at 25 I though I had life experience until I spend an entire night shift talking a man down from harming himself and the 3 small children in his care. I could not comprehend what was driving him to this conclusion and I desperately wanted to help him and his children. As a result of many hours of talking over a side gate he came to the realisation he had alot to live for and he let us in and things got sorted out. I often think of him and his children and now as a mother I hold my son tight and tell him every day how much I love him. Policing is a hard job and as a woman you have to work twice as hard to earn the respect. I wouldn’t swap it for anything I love the job. It was nice hearing a story from another female officer who also thinks about people she has dealt with in the line of duty. We only deal with people at there lowest point, victim of violence, burglary, rape, robbery the list goes on but when we get to go back to check up on these people and see that have got there lives back together it restores the faith in mankind.
Great article and well written. Glad you have got your life back together with the help of your amazing father. I think society believes that Police always just have it all together……. it couldn’t be further from the truth – we are only human:)
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This story strongly resonates with me. Three years on I am still struggling with my failed marriage even though I have moved interstate, have a better job, lost heaps of weight and have even started dating its hard. I expect it to get easier but it doesn’t.
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May it does get better. Ihave been divorced 2.5 years but marriage was over long before that. I think it depends on length of marriage, how it ended, if kids are involved, etc. as to how long it takes to recover. I never realised how bad I was in the first 12 months after the final split. I had a 4 month old baby & thought I was hiding the words of how I was feeling – my friends have let me know since that I wasn’t hiding anything. I too have lost a significant amount of weight & am now in love with a wonderful guy who accepts me & all aspects of my past. It does get easier – you just have to allow yourself the time to deal with it and i know already i learnt so much from my first marriage that i will not make the same mistakes again – i’ll probably make new ones.
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Really? I wonder sometimes? I’ve been separated from my ex husband for almost 4 years (divorced for one of those years) and still find myself struggling some days… So many people talk about moving on and meeting someone else but I’m finding that part almost impossible… I’m definitely on a better place now than I was 4 years ago but something is still very much missing
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For May and L, have you tried counselling? I thought I was doing well around 12 months – not great, but pretty good. And I even got into a new relationship – but that made it worse because I didn’t know how to trust, and my grief and anxiety eventually got the better of me. At the two-year mark I was turning into an emotional wreck. But a combination of counselling by a psychologist as well as a 10-week group course on emotional healing at a local church made all the difference. I came out of the fog, my new partner was still by my side supporting me and now at four years on I feel whole again.
So yes, time certainly helps, but I think professional support shouldn’t be underestimated. If you had a broken leg, you’d see a doctor – you wouldn’t try to fix it yourself. If you have a broken heart and broken life, the wisdom of a professional can really help you to heal and to have faith in yourself again, too.
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Awww go your dad! And good on you for keeping your chin up.
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On my 37th birthday I was temporarily at home back at square 1 with 2 kids newly single mum, and had to rebuild work and home life. Five years later finally in 2 casual jobs I like, the kids are doing ok, but still seem to end up with cheaters, so fulfillment there is a long way off not that I was actively looking last time.
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I think your dad sounds amazing!
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Yes, lovely man, to be such a support when he must have been grieving himself.
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This really hits home. I could have written this story- except that I am 25 and not nearly as accomplised as the author. I am yet to see the light, so hopefully some of the comments today can help me.
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this too will pass.
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Hi Becja. I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time. I went through something similar two years ago and almost didn’t make it.
If there’s anything I can offer it’s this: nothing ruins your life forever. It certainly feels like it at the time but there’s always a way back.
My love to you. xx
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Becja, I hope you are well…the best advise I had in grief,,,,,,there are millions of souls in this world…hundreds/thousands are here just for you…go out and find them they are waiting, they need you…. and also imagine you are a branch in an amazing beautiful tree and from that branch you create numerous other wonderful, weird, funny, crazy, lovely branches….without you these souls never forefil or become…..god bless xoxox
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The kindness of these comments bought tears to my eyes. I’m hoping there’s a way back x
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