Many people have a bucket list of things they’d like to see and do before they die. But I just can’t get enthused about the concept, especially now when I’m still grieving for my dad.
Dad was an energetic, noisy, vibrant, “young” 64-year-old who expected to live for at least another 30 years. He played tennis every week, led cycle tours around the Sunshine Coast, was active in his local Rotary club, ran his own business and was on the board of the local taxi co-op.
In September he completed an 800-kilometre charity bicycle ride from Goondiwindi to Brisbane. In October, he jumped on a plane to the Solomon Islands as part of a Rotary International mission to install water tanks at remote schools. After his first day at work while waiting for his Rotary buddies to gather for dinner, Dad’s heart stopped.
My Mum, my sisters and I had to organise the return of his body and his luggage to Australia. We had to organise an autopsy and embalming. We had to select a coffin, clothes for him to be cremated in, flowers… We had to decide whether we wanted to see his body. We didn’t.
When his suitcase finally arrived we hid it in the laundry. I sat at his desk to write his eulogy, trying hard to ignore the scraps of paper covered in Dad’s spiky writing. Mum and my sisters and I had our own lists which we just put on top of all his papers – bills, invoices, tennis tournament schedules, rosters, deposit books and brochures. It was a few weeks before Mum could bring herself to start clearing his papers away.
Finding a half-finished bucket list, when the pain of loss is so raw, would have been another punch in the heart. I decided then and there No, I don’t want to make a bucket list for anyone to find when I die.
I want to make sure that I celebrate my life while I can. Not everything has gone according to plan. Not everything has been planned and not everything has been positive. But, overall, it has been a wonderful life. I have been lucky in many areas – family, love, career and travel.
So I’ve decided to turn the idea of a bucket list idea upside down and create a “reverse bucket list” of all the amazing things I’ve already done. It has involved many wistful smiles and bouts of laughter. Focusing on the good times really is a great way to lift the spirits.
My reverse bucket list includes:
- the time I found myself at a Czech bar in Melbourne, listening to bluegrass and drinking cherry liqueur and absinthe and realising I’d found some amazing new friends.
- the time I found myself at another Czech bar, this time in Ho Chi Minh City in Vietnam, eating saukraut with chopsticks and being the only one at the table who thought this was strange.
- the rather messy occasion of having a baby,
- seeing my daughter jump for the first time … in a temple in Malaysia. Possibly not the most appropriate place, but definitely a suitably memorable place.
- the amazing baby cuddles I get,
- the first time my daughter said “I love you”.
- sleeping under the stars when I was a kid,
- bathing in the Ganges,
- finishing the Pier to Pub ocean swimming race in Lorne
- cycling across Vietnam with my dad.
I feel uplifted every time I read my list. And from time to time I add things to it, things that might not be special to anyone else, only to me.
If I ever do see the pyramids, they will probably make it onto my list. Unless I have a totally crappy day there, then the pyramids just won’t make the cut. Because only wonderful experiences make my list.
In 2007, Barbara decided to swap the rat race for a life of adventure. She lives in northern Thailand with her little Vietnamese-Australian family. You can follow her blog here
What is on your reverse bucket list? What are the things that you are most proud of having achieved?
Comments
45 Comments so far
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Hey Barbara,
I loved your article here and I love the great responses you’ve received. I run seminars on this subject, I’d be happy to invite you to one of them. A Bucket List is all about designing the life that you want, rather than ‘sleepwalking’ through life and just existing. A Reverse Bucket List (like you’ve described) honors and pays gratitude to what has been done. If you want, check out my little 5 minute video on the front page of http://www.thebucketlistguy.com . You’ll see yours truly explaining a Bucket List Blueprint. This is a formula for writing one!
I’d love to speak more about all this with you. Feel free to email me.
Trav Bell – The Bucket List Guy (Melbourne Based)
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I so much prefer the concept of a reverse bucket list. It celebrates life, and focuses our attention on the things that make us happy. I’d much rather go to places where I can pack in the good things that are important to me (playing, eating well, swimming, being with those I love), than to go to a place because i SHOULD. Brava! Love this!
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I love this. Like many others here I haven’t embraced the concept of a “bucket”. It’s great to have goals but…
Anway here is my list of my reverse bucket list of experiences:
- the day I finished school and escaped the boarding house – freedom!!!
- the day and subsequent few days when I met my husband – holiday romance to the extreme.
- seeing U2 play at Slane Castle just out of Dublin a couple of days after Bono’s dad died.
- finding out I was pregnant and then having those babies.
- getting on a plane and moving to the UK not knowing anyone and with only 500 pounds
- leaving my high paying job, selling all of my posessions to move the cayman islands
- jumping of the side of a mountain at 10,000ft with a parachute on my back
thank you for inspriing me to reflect
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This is such a touching article and I find the idea of a reverse bucket list so inspiring I just wrote one on my blog: http://blithemoments.blogspot.com.
Having a list of goals is a great thing. But having a list of achievements is an awesome thing. There is lots I want to do, but writing this list makes me realise that I’ve achieved so much in my life and I’m only 32. Thank you Barbara, this is a wonderful and very uplifting idea.
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I think this is a lovely idea!
Your Dad sounded like a lovely, kind man, Barbara.
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Spending 12 months in a foreign country from the age of 15
Receiving a scholarship to do so
Growing up in a small beach town (and taking it for granted)
Standing in front of the Taj Mahal with 40,000 people in the middle of a monsoonal downpour
Hiking 10km on the Great Wall of China on a perfect summer day
Participating in a Brahman festival on the Ganges in Varanassi that we didn’t know would be going on
Working to support myself through tertiary education – made it all the more sweet at the end
Being headhunted for work – possibly one of the greatest compliments ever
Driving my sister from Melbourne to Cairns in 2.5 days and laughing (almost) the entire way
Bouncing back from being made redundant by traveling and working in a cellar door (such a nice place to work it felt like stealing)
Witnessing good friends get married and start families
Still having three grandparents in my life at the age of 27 (who are all wise and amazing)
Being railroaded into ‘starring’ in an Indian informercial on my last day in the country and finding the YouTube clip three years later
(The hair makeup and wardrobe are NOT my fault) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_EQ4EGRDbc
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You are so lucky to have 3 grandparents – at 27 I lost my last one (the most important one to me) and I realise now how much I missed out on, losing them as young as I did. Grandparents are awesome. I think they’re almost as important if not more so as an adult
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This article is incredibly inspiring to me. Being a lifelong sufferer of a major depressive disorder, I have been battling a major depressive spell since my husband had a cardiac episode the day our son turned 5 months last year. Our finances have suffered terribly, my husband’s prognosis is not brilliant (though really not bad considering his genetic history), my father has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and I have found life in general to be overwhelming with sick husband, a two year old and a young baby.
This article may be the turning point in this episode! An achievement list posted in a prominent spot in our house could well remind me constantly of all the wonderful things I *have* achieved – 2 gorgeous, thriving and joyful children, a pretty good career, successfully battling ongoing depression… I’m certain that, given some thought, I can make a fairly impressive list.
Thank you, Barbara. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your article has given me so much hope.
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Wow, I’m tearing up reading the responses to this article. Thank you for your kind words about my dad and the pain my family is going through.
What an amazing, supporting and world-changing community this is. Look at some of the amazing things you have done!
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Firstly, Kass Hall, youre a legend.
Secondly, about six months ago I proclaimed(to my important self) that ‘bucket list’ was the most over used couple of words of 2010/11/12!
My God if I hear my friends and family (inlaws!) use that term again I will go batshit.
However, I loved Barbara’s ‘reverse’ bucket list. It’s the anti bucket list! And that must be celebrated, along with her amazing achievements and the life of an incredible father and human being.
We are so lucky to be surrounded by wonderous people, we just sometimes dont stop long enough to look. Sometimes the wonderous people are ourselves.
I wrote my own Reverse bucket list. I’m not doing too bad!
x
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Wow. What a nice thing to say. Completely UNTRUE!!
But aiming high so you never know what the future holds!
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Sometimes the most beautiful ideas come from the most painful experiences, and this is one of them. I’ve seen your post batting around the internet for the last few days, and thought it was about tiime I came and read it. Now I can see why it keeps being re-posted. It’s a fantastic idea and one which i plan to replicate myself. Thanks for sharing it!
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Lovely life affirming post! Very sorry to hear about your loss though — my Dad is only 60 and I can’t conceive of losing him at this stage in his life. Far too young, but you’re Dad sounded like he made every moment count.
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I don’t like the term bucket list either – but as part of an ecourse I took, we made a LIFE LIST – stuff we want to do in life. Some are big, some are daily and insignificant. But by writing them down they were granted importance. Keeping a daily (ok most days) journal has been one where I just write in a stream of consciousness manner. It’s awesome.
However if I carked tomorrow, my list would look like this-ish:
- Beating cancer 4 times (and counting) – twice when they said I couldn’t
- Travelling alone around Europe aged 19 on a budget of $5000 – airfares, accommodation, train ticket, meals etc inclusive.
- Getting an art degree after on Day 1, my lecturer asked me in front of the class “are you sure you should be here?” – yes it was that bad.
- Giving the graduate speech on behalf of all students when I graduated from above-named degree
- Writing my first book (published later this year)
- Seeing a baseball game at Yankee Stadium
- Being an awesome Aunty
I’m only 34 – by the time I’m 134 I plan on having way more cool stuff to add!
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What an amazing idea! I am going to share this and start writing my own reverse bucket list. Especially when you are feeling down and wondering where your life is heading, you can stop, look back at where you’ve been and smile with all the amazing things you have done. I also liked you referring to having a baby as a ‘messy occasion’ – so true! Thank you for sharing Barbara.
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Oh Barbara what a lovely piece of writing. I’m inspired to write my own list and I know I’ll refer back to this list time and time again. What a truly wonderful idea – thank you.
(I’m also inspired to call my own lovely dad and say I love you so thank you for that too) xxx
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I love this topic:
Reverse bucket list…in no particular order
Traveling and living in Canada for 4 months
Skiing a black run in new zealand
Completing a 10k and running THE WHOLE WAY!
Getting a job I love
Sunday night family dinners
Hanging out in Malaysia with my best mate
Being a bridesmaid at my sisters wedding
Skydiving in front of the remarkables
Saying yes to my fiancé
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I believe that is one of the most beautiful and touching pieces I have read and it really and truly inspires to write a reverse bucket list.
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Well my reverse bucket list – in order of joy and satisfaction:
- Both of my sons – especially son no. 2 who almost died at birth
- Getting my degree and post grad qualification at age 48
- Driving from Perth back to my home town on the NSW South Coast with my dad and son – then aged 11.
- Standing up to my bullying ‘best friend’ when I was 23
- Standing up to my bullying relative when I was 47
- Making a snap decision to fly from LA to San Francisco to surprise my sister who was only there for a few hours. It was such a snap decision I didn’t even have time to go back to my hotel room for spare clothes – I just jumped on the airport shuttle bus and left.
- Cooking pumpkin soup on a one burner hotplate in my London bedsit while it snowed buckets outside.
- Saving every dollar and working two jobs to get myself to London (and Europe) in the first place.
Nice idea, Barbara – way to generate appreciation and gratitude.
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Oh I havent thought to do a reverse Bucket List! But it sure makes sense…and I think its a great idea. Especially since (like you said) you don’t want someone to find half a list on your desk…or a list that was only half written down. I like the idea of adding
Cheers
Lisa
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Love reverse bucket lists! Loved them since I saw one on Blunt Delivery’s blog here.
Warning, she will make you laugh a LOT and some of her posts are possibly NSFW due to swearing.
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This article made my heart sing! I’m so sorry that it was such a sad loss for you and your family that led to this beautiful idea.
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This is a great idea. So often I’m too preoccupied with what I’m not doing (read: whinging that my life isn’t exciting enough) when I’ve forgotten all the wonderful things I have already done.
- moved to Ireland by myself to live for a wee while when I was younger
- driving from Broome up to Cape Leveque and through the Kimberley
- going to a Turkish Bath
- moving to Malaysia for 12 months, five years ago
- meeting the most awesome people here and making lifelong friendships.
- giving birth in a foreign land (it sounds more exotic than it is but I like it)
- skinny dipping
- leaving the kids and going to Vegas to get married last year. That was great
- soon, I hope, going to Cambodia with my sister for a couple of days. Just her and me, first holiday with just the two of us.
I’m going to do some more research. this is making me feel good
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Oh I like this one:
Off the top of my head:
Being able to ride horses with very great skill and confidence (note I didn’t list all the horrible injuries it gave me over the years)
Giving birth – both times
Dancing in the kitchen with my kids while singing at the top of my voice to a Rolling Stones tune
Feeding wild birds off the back deck of the first house we owned
Doing a loop the loop in a Tiger Moth over Port Moresby
Watching a May Day parade in Eastern Europe during the height of the Cold War and counting my blessings that we didn’t have to in Sydney.
The night Jimmy Barnes let us in to watch a Cold Chisel gig
New Year’s Eve in London, 1990
Walking my beloved dogs from North Avoca to Avoca Beach throughout the winter months, enjoying that I was the only one there
My one and only white christmas when I was eight years old
Moving to Melbourne
Flying to NY in the depths of winter just to turn up on my sister’s doorstep to surprise her
The night all the women, aged from 19 to 54 in our camping group took ourselves off to the beach at midnight and ended up skinny dipping. Every one of us.
Cooking christmas dinner for the entire family – 20-something of us – for what turned out to be Dad’s last year with us.
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I put off writing a bucket list for a long time, not liking the idea, thinking it would be depressing for me (or someone else, I guess) to look at the list later in life (or after I’ve died) and view anything unfinished as a failed goal. But then last year I decided to, as a source of encouragement and inspiration. It’s saved in google documents and nobody but me can see it. Nobody will be able to accidentally find it after I’ve died unless they have my log-in details and go looking for it. (And in reference to Kricket’s comment, I have an entirely separate “places I want to visit” list! Although some really big key places do make it onto the bucket list). I have done similar reverse-bucket-list type things before though, which is fun too.
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I thought a reverse bucket list would be a list of things you NEVER wanted to do! I think I was misled by the pic which says ‘camping’, as I know Mia detests it so much.
Great idea. There are so many things I’d be glad of but my brain has already shut up shop for the day. I’ll come back
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WOW, granted I’m more than a little hungover at work today and feeling a bit tired and teary with househunting etc going on but this post just brought a genuine tear of joy to my eye. what a wonderful, beautiful, life-affirming idea. Often we have so many goals and future plans we forget how much we’ve already achieved and the amazing times we’re having along the way. I’m totally doing this. Thankyou for saving my afternoon!
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I would recognize this voice anywhere.
(Oh and I hope the shirt incident makes the list!) Love you Soph! x
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A reverse bucket list sounds awesome, I’ve never been a fan of bucket lists. They always read more as “Places I Should Holiday Lists”
On my reverse list would be:
- Moving from WA to QLD when I was 19
- The first time my sister and I were on a plane (at 17 & 18) and our childish delight in the feeling of being pushed back during takeoff
- Moving towns, states even, for love. No regrets
- Getting my first REAL job
- Being bridesmaid for lots of friends and sharing their love
- The crazy NYE I spent with my BFF in the Gold Coast
- The moment I realised that I wasn’t lucky for getting a great job/ bf/ house, that it’s because I worked hard for them
- Going on a helicopter joyride around Perth with my bf
- Visiting the Pinnacles – truly amazing
- The one time in my adult life my Dad gave me a real hug
- Driving across the Nullarbor
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Are the pinnacles really that amazing?? I’m moving back to Adelaide from Perth in 6 weeks (by driving across the nullabor!!) & trying to compile a list of things I need to do over here before I go!
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Ezzalenko, The Pinnacles definitely are pretty cool. I’m not sure how the Nullabor makes it onto anybody’s reverse bucket list though, haha
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Hi Ezzalenko, not to take anyhting away from Kricket’s reverse list, but the ONLY time to visit the Pinnacles is at sunrise/sunset. The rest of the day – they just look like jagged rocks in the ground…..
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Thanks T&S and Leah!! looking to book a tour right now
And I loved the drive across the Nullabor to get to Perth- although I think that had a lot to do with the fact my best friend was my driving buddy!
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If I died tomorrow, I’d be glad I’d:
* Swum with whales (by coincidence rather than planned!)
* Camped on a desert island
* Sailed the Galapagos
* Saw Macchu Picchu
* Trekked on a glacier
* Learnt to ski and horse ride
* Had amazing friends and family
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A coincidental meeting with the whales sounds like more than my little heart could take! The rest of your list sounds absolutely wonderful!
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Thankyou Barbara!
I have always lived my life without regret. I see everything as having value in some form, even though some things may not seem pleasant at the time, they are all experiences to be learnt from.
I try to do this kind of thing regularly, and particularly if I ever reach a low point or a rut. I love having a name for it – reverse bucket list – so apt!
I think I will try to instill this as a sort of routine with my husband – when he complains about how things are going, I think I will try to steer us in the direction of not what’s happening right now, but what we’ve already survived and learnt.
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Your head’s in the right place, no doubt about it.
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Thanks for sharing this story. I’ve just had lunch with my terminally ill mum and she isn’t doing so well. I’m feeling so sad about what lies ahead. The top of my reverse bucket list is giving birth to two beautiful children who I love and adore and continue to marvel in as they grow into wonderful young people. My wedding day and the subsequent 15 years of up and downs. It’s a great journey to share. My family. So many happy memories. Growing up by the beach. Having travelled a lot…. That’s just a few things.
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What a heartbreaking experience that you have been through and I agree it is great to reflect on everything you have achieved and experienced.
Still I don’t think this should mean that we shouldn’t dream!
A bucket list is just that, a list of dreams of things we would like to do. I may not ever get to do them all but I have a heap of things on my wish list.
It’s what I work and live for, to experience these amazing things!
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I LOVE this! As a former hospice chaplain, I totally get it, and this why I left our former life behind and took my son to live around the world as permanent nomads. I would much rather celebrate all the things we’ve done than focus on what we’ve missed.
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A great idea, Barbara; a wonderful way to celebrate life. <3
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Great idea – going to have to work on mine. Trying to do that right now shows how much easier it is to focus on the negative rather than the positive. Yikes
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such a great thing to do – I did a ‘things i’m grateful for’ book last year, I look back on it now and an instantly transported to that moment in time – whether it be a funny thing my son said, or the day I was told I had a melanoma (which was later removed, another great memory,) these memories stay with us and is exactly what we should do, instead of constantly running on this “shouda, coulda, woulda” roundabout
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Congratulations Barbara – what an awesome reverse bucket list you already have! You’ve inspired me, I’m going to do one for me now. Thanks for sharing
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Hi Barbara…just wanted to say so sorry for the sudden loss of your Dad. Reading your story, was a mirror of my own. My Dad died suddenly at 63, a very young 63, as well…had cycled 300km that week, alongside doing some renovations at each of his kids’s houses…it’s been 2 years now.
Anyway…I think your reverse bucket list is such a beautiful idea…I’m going to find a very special journal and do the same thing…a stunning way to remember the good in life and a wonderful list for others to find…one day.
Thankyou.
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