Dear orgasm, where are you?


"If love is so powerful it can kill you,...

sexually unsatifying marriage
What would you do?




I want to start a discussion about sex. And no, this isn’t a discussion about vibrators, sexually transmitted diseases, protection, virgin, mother or whore, or fake orgasm (although that is somewhat related). No, this is a discussion about sexual satisfaction. Why is it that in the age of sexual liberation, Sex and the City stereotypes, clitoral stimulation contraception, and vulva, it’s still not appropriate to tell a man: “You’re not sexually satisfying me”, without being labelled a bitch.

I’m not being aggressive or offensive, I don’t want to intentionally injure anyone, or cause lifelong emotional scarring, I’m simply trying to provide you with constructive criticism for improvement.

For the past ten years I’ve been in a relationship with an unsatisfying lover. My (former) husband would relentlessly complain about our sex life being, put simply, not enough. And often I thought to myself: “Well, perhaps, if you spent a little more time pleasuring me rather than just yourself, our sexual interactions might increase”. But not once did I tell my ex-husband my frustration.

And I know what you’re thinking: “Maybe you’re the lazy one who refused to commit the effort to satisfy yourself”, but, you’re unequivocally, unabashedly, undeniably wrong! Sister, I’ve been there and done that! I’ve spoken dirty, dressed-up, role played, toys, tied up and been tied up, I’ve bought an enormous amount of ridiculously expensive lingerie, surprised my ex-husband with mid-afternoon sex, discussed back-door antics (thanks, but, no thanks), and twisted my body into every possible pretzel shape imaginable.

Chocolate sauce and whipped cream during foreplay made sex sticky and gross (I also had to wash the sheets afterwards, not exactly a turn-on). My ex-husband said that I hit too hard for S&M! And random locations (outdoors, indoors, public places, car, shower, spa bath, etc.) simply made my ex-husband rush, and left me blushing at every in-law dinner party as I remembered my face mashed into the parquet dining room table.

In ten years of a loving, tender, and somewhat dysfunctional relationship, I had one orgasm! One! ONE!

When I finally left my husband (for a variety of reasons, not entirely excluding my sexual frustration), I thought my sexual revolution would begin. I imagined myself swinging from the ceiling screaming the name of Christ in vain, undertaking dramatic sexual yoga breathing for a climax without touch, or, at the very least, a dinner date followed by a few scented candles and some good old-fashioned romance. But, no! I thought my ex-husband had become lazy and confident in our relationship, which was why he no longer made an effort to please me. But emerging from the cocoon of marriage, I’ve discovered that men are simply not interested in stimulating a woman. And it’s not appropriate to complain!

sexually unsatisfying marriage
I haven’t had an orgasm in ten years.

I’m sure that there could be any number of reasons why the men I’ve slept with haven’t provided an orgasm: we weren’t ‘in love’, they weren’t ‘the one’, there wasn’t enough foreplay, they were too young, or too old, that ‘one’ was just bad, but I think that the truth of this issue is that as women, we simply don’t feel comfortable providing feedback either before, during or after the act. And don’t you think we should?

It’s so easy to know when a man has succumbed to ‘the pressure’, but a woman is much more difficult. And we’re not helping things by being so convincingly fake. But why are we faking our orgasm? I ask you, do you honestly believe that a fake orgasm will be of any true benefit to your relationship? Will it increase either your or your partner’s happiness?

No, I don’t believe it will. But, you know what might? An honest conversation with your reluctant, lazy, and unsatisfactory lover about how to improve their bedroom prowess.

Elaine Benes (Seinfeld) once asked: Are you sponge-worthy? And I’m bringing this question back from the dead. Because in a loving, sharing, wonderful relationship sex should be satisfactory for both partners. We should feel comfortable demanding a mutually pleasing experience, and the only way we will ever be able to enjoy sex is if we’re open and honest about our needs and desires. And not just with our long-term partners, do a girl a favour and tell that one-night-stand that a finger in the butt without prior approval is not appropriate!

In my humble opinion, Sex and the City and the recent invasion of female promiscuity into our culture has created both positive and negative preconceptions about sex. The media would lead me to believe that every woman on the planet is having the most incredible, earth-shattering, outrageous sexual encounters at every possible opportunity. But I’m not. And I can’t believe I’m alone. Am I?

I think we’ve finally embraced the cultural revolution of the female orgasm, but we haven’t quite worked out how to make it happen, yet. We need a conversation. An honest and open conversation, which will enable women to feel comfortable expressing their desires, and men will not feel affronted by comments about technique.

And in the name of honesty, let’s get this conversation started: Gentlemen, no, you grinding on my breasts for half-an-hour is not a pleasurable experience for me, but I’ll do it, to make you happy, if, in return you’re willing to suckle on my neck for the same amount of time! Yes, size does matter, but technique is more important. If you can’t unhook my bra without looking, and with one hand, then I have to doubt your other skills (practice, people, practice). And finally, gentlemen: if you’re not willing to act on my feedback to improve your overall performance, don’t expect a repeat, because you won’t be invited back.

Have you ever been in a relationship like the author’s?

Mamamia has chosen to publish this story anonymously to protect the identity of those involved.

What do you think?


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