I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey - the erotic story of the submissive/dominant relationship that is currently on the bookshelves and kindles of hundreds of thousands of women. But I do know about submissive sex.
I am a ”strong” woman! I am a mother, employed and putting myself through university. I work in a challenging environment and I would see myself as an independent, confident, positive, resilient women.
But like Anastasia in the book I have become a submissive woman; it is who I am and who I want to be. For me this is no fantasy, but a wonderful reality.
I’ve known this part of me for a few years. Through much exploration and reading I realised a few things about myself. I realised that I was unfulfilled emotionally and sexually. I knew that I could be turned on and reach orgasm but there was always something else there. It was through some internet searching and some wonderfully positive blogs that I found the world of BDSM and the role of submissive.
I think I need to make something clear. I AM A FEMINIST! I believe in liberation of the self and the freedom that removing social and institutional control will bring. I believe that there should be no social barriers to a woman achieving what she wants. I want a world without a sexist undertone and a world where we can all feel equal not just be told that we are. For me the relationship that I am in now allows me to strive for all of this. Defined from the beginning as a D/s (dominant and submissive) relationship yet as normal as anyone else’s. We have had every awkward moment that new relationships has and then some. We connect on a level that goes deeper than sex. I find his mind and attitude sexy and he says similar things about me. He makes me think about the world in a way that I’d never considered before and if I’m going to be really honest he just turns me on.
I have not been seduced into anything, as it seems the character in this book has been. I have not been coerced or manipulated into it. We have created this relationship on a foundation of equality. As in the definition of our relationship doesn’t make me any less of a person than him.
I have this sense of power in this relationship that I have never felt before. I have the freedom to decide exactly how I want my sex life to be and am encouraged to say “no” and I have. We are equally invested in this relationship and have negotiated, and are still negotiating the parameters around who we are.
Of course sex plays a huge part in our relationship and the bedroom is where the submissive mind set really comes into it. I want to submit myself to him totally and it is extremely hard. It is not just about being tied up and told to get on your knees. It is about walking into a situation and being able to completely trust your partner and believe that he will be safe, but more importantly capable of bringing you to a place you need to be. A place where your entire experience is in the hands of someone else. Where he takes me beyond my wildest fantasies.
Being submissive is not being lazy; my partner may be doing more to my body than I am to his but mentally I am running a marathon and this is what being submissive is for me. It is a mental state where I am totally with my body, feeling every amazing thing that he is doing to me at the same time being totally free from a need to control. I give, willingly, control over my mind and body and in turn, I am satisfied beyond any doubt. I have never been so sexually satisfied in my life. Sex becomes a mental experience where your body belongs to someone else. Through negotiation, limits and of course a safe word, I am taken to a space where I am connected to my partner in every way. Physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually we are connected.
I can understand that there will be some who see the thought of being in this type of situation as humiliating, demeaning and just wrong and I completely understand that. After all this isn’t the pre feminist era where husbands put their wives over their knee and spanked them for not having dinner on the table when he walked in the door. To me that is wrong! It is all about an imbalance of power. Let me make it perfectly clear I DO NOT CONDONE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! Abuse is abuse, perpetrated by either gender, physical, emotional or sexual IS WRONG and under no circumstances does anyone have the right to lay a hand on anyone else.
But this is not domestic violence. I am not his victim. I am not caught in any cycle of violence, nor am I ignorant of his behaviour and minimising his actions to justify some kinky sex. He his not my perpetrator manipulating me into believing he loves me while he hits me. Like I said I am an equal partner in an adult relationship, with someone who accepts me for who I am, who cares about me and who wants me sexually. He can be evil in his sexual desires at the same time as being a total gentleman.
So can strong woman want submissive sex? YES they can!!
Have you ever thought about a submissive role in your sexual relationships? Do you think strong feminist women can be submissive in bed and dominant in other areas?
Comments
94 Comments so far
Hi we are a dom and a sub looking for one more female sub in Perth but there doesn’t seem to be anyone interested, would you care to be our play mate, a strong woman is very much a good thing, it brings a much more satasfying atmosphere as it makes me work to dominate hard, let us know.if your in
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Question regarding BDSM. What is a woman to do if she finds BDSM a total turn off sexually while her boyfriend lives for it and wants nothing else in the bedroom other than BDSM?
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Find a way to Compromise so that both of your needs/desires are met or find new partners. If you find something total turn off and that’s all he wants, neither of you can be happy in the relationship long term.
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I wish I was in your situation. I am with a guy who hates BDSM and I love it. It is the only thing that turns me on. I have told him that I need him to be dominant in the bedroom with me and he tries hard but he just doesn’t like it. Maybe see if your boy will do vanilla sex sometimes with you? I have to do vanilla sex sometimes – I get drunk and try my best. I think it is about compromising and if one of you won’t or is not able to – maybe you are just too sexually incompatible.
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Hey Sara if you would like to have some fun we love it too, email me if you still don’t have some play mates
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So….ummmm…so what is this submissive thing? bondage? or you just lay there like a dead one while he messes about with you.
I’ve seen some of those bondage pics and Ima tellin’ you there aint no way no guy is going to tie me up, swing me from the roof with chains, with a little red ball in my mouth and do whatever! especially in those silly black latex or rubber or whatever they are catwomen outfits.
What if the fool had a heart attack and you were left there swinging around for the neighbours to find! or worse died up there!
lol! I just cracked myself up at the thought of it.
But hey! whatever turns you on. lmao!
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Finally!! Thank you for putting this so well, I’ve always had trouble articulating this myself.
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I enjoyed this article. Thank you for writing it.
I’m reading 50 shades of Grey right now… and I’m enthralled. I’m not afraid to say it. Would it be something I would try? Probably. I do however think you’re worrying too much about being/not being a feminist.
Enjoy your sexuality – your life sounds delicious! x
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I will add that to the list of things I will never “get” like yoga and Pilates and meditation.
If you enjoying why not?
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I am a strong and independent woman in a healthy and trusting relationship and I love being submissive in the bedroom. I’m usually a bit bossy in day to day life but there is just something so sexy about submitting to his dominance! A big difference here to being in an abusive relationship where people are hurt in various ways, I’m actually surprised some readers can’t understand this.
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Great article. I’m surprised at all the judgemental comments. As far as I’m concerned, if no one is being taken advantage of or being forced, then it’s up to them how they act or what they do.
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You said that you are a submissive woman, by that I’m taking it you mean the you are in a 24/7 D/s relationship as opposed to just having set D/s sex scenes?
Seeing that you are a mother I’m wondering how this lifestyle choice fits in with the raising of your children?
Is it very difficult to be submissive and at the same time bring up your children with the knowledge and understanding that submissiveness on your part is a chosen lifestyle and is not the norm in society?
As children are growing up they pick up all sorts of cues both consciously and subconsciously from their parents on how to be an adult and what is expected from men or woman. I can see it causing your kids trouble down the road it they grow up with the notion that a good wife and mother is a women who is completely submissive to her husband in all things.
I’m fortunate enough to know two couples who are in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but both couples are gay men so there aren’t any children in the mix. I can’t see how a 24/7 D/s relationship could go hand in hand with bringing up children. Not that there is anything wrong with a 24/7 BDSM relationship. Of course if you are just having ‘scenes’ none of which I’ve said applies.
I haven’t read the other comments so I don’t know if you have already addressed these issues.
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No I’m not in a 24/7 relationship it would not work for me & my understanding of 24/7 is there are more than just “scenes” BDSM allows people to “make love” too
I am submissive because that’s the person I want to be yet I can kick anyone’s a** when I need to and it comes just as naturally & i have no problems saying no to him when I need too! If you seen us together in the street, doing grocery shopping or grabbing a coffee there is no way you would know anything about our sex life.
My child has nothing to do with my sexuality at all! How do you connect their child with the way they have sex? & even within a 24/7 dynamic you can still be a parent. Child abuse by it’s very definition is subjecting your child to anything sexual or otherwise that would place them at harm or risk of harm & being somewhat alternative in my sexuality puts my child at no greater risk than any other mother. I don’t take my child to school wearing a collar & lead cuffed after being viciously taken in the bedroom. I’m a normal mother.
I am one person and this includes my role as a mother and my sexuality, as well as being an employee, daughter, sister, friend neighbour and everything else that I am in life. Being submissive doesn’t take over my reality in anyway – so it can not impact my role as a mother, it doesn’t affect my performance at work or any other relationship I have either.
The term sex positive is something that I love! it acknowledges all of the negative aspects of sex and sexuality but highlights all the wonderful things that surround human sexuality. So this would be the connections that my child would make. My child learns more about sex from peers than from me!
Sexuality is fluid & there are so many ways to perform sex that go against the social norm, so I picked a tough one doesn’t change the mother that I was before I started this!
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Thanks for taking the trouble to reply to me
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i’m a 29 year old female in Perth and I adore submissive sex. I only get “off” when my playmate is a dominant male, and in charge. Respect is always there and safety is paramount. Safe words are ALWAYS used (women says a safe words when she wants sex to stop, or slow down). I’m in charge at work so I love coming home and being at the mercy of my play partner. What do i love most about the dom/sub? The sub is actually in charge. She says the safe word and the play stops
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The safe word is something I find so empowering! How can it not be knowing that as soon as you say it everything stops & you get what you need meet before anything else. Keep adoring the sex & yourself
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I like your thoughts, if you’d like to play I am an dom with a sub and looking for other women that would like to join in email if your interested
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I think this post sets a MM world record for the proportion of anon responses. My head is spinning trying to work out which anon is which.
We should all put our name to our sub / dom desires I say, own it. Whos up for a march in town?
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I’m a bit too worried about what my mother might think!!
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Let’s do it! I live in Brisbane though, since I’m not sure what town you’re referring to…
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I am confused. Am I not allowed to be turned on by submissive sex because I am supposed to be ‘empowered’ by all the women who fought for my rights before me? How can women be so vehemently for women’s rights, and then turn around and dictate how we should act in the bedroom?
I feel guilty being extremely turned on by the 50 Shades book, and am hopping from foot to foot impatiently waiting for the last two to come from Booktopia! Yet I shouldn’t. My boyfriend was happily on the receiving end while I read it, it got me so hot under the collar.
I don’t think it is anyones business what others do for pleasure in the bedroom with their partners. As long as the guy isn’t taking a leaf from Chris Brown’s book, then everything is fine.
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Please don’t ever feel guilty for being turned on! I’m sure the author of the book takes it as a complement
Enjoy this new found sexuality!
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Will be setting out to buy 50 shades tonight!!!
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I just love the feeling of the cold metal against my wrists, that’s all !
If you enjoy it and your not harming yourself or anyone else, then enjoy.
It’s no one else’s business. Good health to you.
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You’re hilarious, Bradley.
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Another sealed section that explores the desires of an adult, who sounds like they are in control of their life.
How many men in high powered business roles are “push overs” at home. I see them everyday. They may not discuss their sexual requirement to be dominated, and this might not be the case, but in lots of ways they are “socially dominated”, maybe “domestically dominated” is a better description. I don’t mean that they are belittled, as described in a number of the commets, but they allow their wife or girlfriend to run the domestic side of their lives – maybe because they have to be in control in all other facets of their lives.
Just a thought.
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Hmm, I think you’re talking about a very different kind of domination…
If by “domestically dominated” you mean they’re asked to do their fair share of work around the house, or take care of the kids occasionally when they feel like drinking or reading or relaxing, then I think maybe you’ll need to read up a bit on BDSM.
Survey still says women are doing the majority of housework where all other factors are equal (work time etc.). Just sayin’.
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I think I get what he means. Plenty of work-successful men are not in charge at home – of deciding on renovations, where they are holidaying, whether or not they’ll be having dinner with the Smiths on Friday night, that sort of thing, not a fair division of housework thing.
Maybe it’s because they do make all the decisions at work, it’s nice to not have to, or maybe it’s because they have a great partner who takes care of all that stuff that enables them to become so successful, I’m not sure, but I see it a lot.
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Thank you for clarifying respectfully! I re-read the comment in light of your reply and I see what he means now. You’re right, I did take it in a different way. Cheers
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You know, this reminds me of something I saw on Dr. Phil quite a while ago. Dr Phil actually said that his wife, Robyn, rules their home – the kids / grandkids (when babysitting), what’s for dinner, visitors, decor – and he wouldn’t dare try and change how she does things. Not so sure this is submission, as just each having their own specialty. It works for them, and I think each couple works out these things for themselves.
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Could not resist to get off a few rounds in the war against those pesky men hey AJ, despite it being 100 miles off topic. Just sayin’.
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I’m not in any war against men. My best friend is a man, my boyfriend is a man, as is my father and the majority of my friends actually. Men are fine. If I misread the tone of the original comment then fair enough (and thank you Quixote for clarifying in a way that wasn’t demeaning – that’s appreciated), but I often hear a lot about how men are ‘subjugated’ by having the woman make decisions at home, or ask him to do chores, or that dreadful word ‘nag’ that seems to only apply to children and women. I actually think the power balance is the other way around, but often men don’t step up to the plate so the women (out of necessity) end up doing so, and then the men seem to be surprised that they don’t have any home responsibilities. That’s the point I was trying to make, nowhere did I say anything about a ‘war on men’ or ‘fighting men’ or anything ridiculous like that.
In any case, if all of that was not what the OCP was referring to then fair enough and I retract my comment.
In future if you think I’m off topic I’d prefer you to just say why and how I misunderstood (which I think is what has happened here) rather than launching a snarky and untrue remark in my direction. That would be greatly appreciated.
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I can totally get how a strong, liberated woman could also be a submissive. I only have a passing knowledge of this type of relationship, having never experimented or heard factual details before, but I can see how it would appeal, especially as a sexual-only kind of deal.
I am often described as a strong woman, I describe myself as a feminist, am independent, resourceful, fiesty, intelligent and educated, but sexually speaking, am most definitely more turned on when the man is the one in charge.I find it sexy. I don’t like ‘gentle, tender” sex, I like it hot and passionate and if I’m frank, a little bit rough.
What I don’t like is anything that feels degrading, like (for me): coming on my face, dirty talk – not all of it, but being called names like whore, bitch etc., or simply feeling like a ‘receptacle’. A strong man can take charge of a woman sexually without having to degrade her.
I should clarify, don’t think all dominant/submissive relationships have this aspect, I’m actually saying I can relate to the freedom in letting go by saying what I do like, but then I am just explaining what I, personally, also don’t like.
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Yes, yes & yes. That is all
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I wouldn’t accept any of that either I don’t want to be degraded in anyway! But that’s what limits are. You verbalise them to your partner with the knowledge that they are accepted & respected. It’s where the safe word comes into it too. Of course NO MEANS NO period but there is the added safety of knowing that when the word is said it all stops.
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I find the whole Dom/sub thing so interesting and a turn on. I don’t live this lifestyle and my husband would not be into it at all but I get that it is more than just a sex thing. It’s the connection ie emotional and mental that this woman has with her partner that makes the physical side of their relationship work for them. I don’t know how many of us fully give over to our partners. To find someone whom you trust and who has your pleasure at the forefront in turn pleasing themselves sexually must be a huge high! Lucky girl!
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Thank you! I do feel lucky & while the relationship is nowhere near perfect it works for us, Like I said i realised I was physically, emotionally and sexually unsatisfied so I went and found the thing that changed that. I know this would never be for all women but we all need to go and find our “thing” what satisfies us the most & allows us to become who we want to be.
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I absolutely do believe that a strong feminist woman can be submissive, particularly if we’re just talking bedroom. But I don’t think this piece is the best way to express it. For one, it doesn’t even define what ‘being submissive’ means in a practical, day-to-day sense, so those of us who have a passing familiarity (but not many details) don’t actually know what she’s talking about. Secondly it sounds like she’s constantly defending herself, rather than just talking about who she is and what she does. Then out of NOWHERE she starts talking about domestic violence. Am I missing something?
Basically I agree with the author but I think this could have done with some more structure and editing so that those of us who aren’t already familiar with terminology can at least get an idea of why she seems to be so vehemently defending herself. (For example, an outline of the arguments against her and why she disagrees)
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“Then out of NOWHERE she starts talking about domestic violence. Am I missing something”
I can’t speak for the author but for many D/s relationships, including mine, rough play and S&M can be a part. I find most people can handle the D/s thing, it’s the whole man beating a woman thing that gets some backs up.
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Okay, but the author doesn’t mention that he beats her as part of what they do, she doesn’t even say it’s common that it happens that way, she just starts talking about domestic violence. My criticism is not of the author’s message, it’s of the communication to those of us who have only a vague understanding of the topic and are now seeing words like “evil” and “domestic violence” being associated with it. The defensive writing style makes it sound very much like we SHOULD be frightened of what she’s talking about, whereas before reading this I didn’t feel that way at all.
So, yeah, I just have an issue with how it’s being communicated/explained. I think it would have been beneficial to hear what ‘being a submissive’ tends to entail, and what it means for her, as well as why people are often critical of it, before she launched into a very passionate defence.
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I know what you mean, it seems some things are hinted at and people with little knowledge of BDSM wouldn’t know what is being talked about. Just trying to fill in what could potentially be the blank.
If the author is already this defensive I get the feeling she might not have felt comfortable really opening up about certain aspects. I also hesitate to go into the S&M stuff that could be labelled evil or domestic violence (my relationship, not necessarily this author’s) on MM…it’s a little too out there.
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I get that, it just seems there’s a lot of defensiveness in there without explaining where that defensiveness is coming from.
For example it would be akin to me writing a very impassioned defense of my pansexuality, where a lot of people have no idea what that even means. I feel this article could have benefitted from a short paragraph right at the beginning saying “To me and in my relationship, being a submissive entails X” followed by “Many people think this means that we as a couple are not on equal footing, or that this is akin to domestic violence, but there are many reasons why this isn’t the case..”
Probably would have made the article about 20 times more readable and comprehensible for those of us who, as you say, have only a cursory (if that) understanding of the area.
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100% agree AJ! Then she comes out with this:
“He can be evil in his sexual desires at the same time as being a total gentleman.”
EVIL?! That’s a strong word! What makes it evil?
I feel like I understand less about this after this article!
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So I can’t have someone who, for me, is romantic and sensual and then completely dirty & evil when he wants to be?
Is that what’s confusing you? That men are capable of fulfilling your every desire of sexually satisfying you in ways you never thought possible and still be a great guy. Yep it’s possible and actually quite good
Google submission and dominance you will find everything you need to know (trust me)
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Would you want the day to day details of your sex life out there? I had to consider my partners feelings while writing this & I have way to much respect for him to divulge that type of detail to anyone let alone strangers on a website (as I’m sure he would pay me the same respects)
If you had read the book you would know why I put the reference to DV in there it’s the one part that has a lot of people talking!
The piece isn’t a how to guide or a write up of my sex life. It was an answer to a question “do strong women want submissive sex”.
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That’s absolutely fair about not giving details, but at least explaining what it GENERALLY means, if not for you specifically. If you re-read the first sentence of each paragraph above, you’ll see that it sounds like you’re defending yourself against attacks, but nowhere do you specify why those attacks would be levelled at you or what you’re doing to think that they may be an issue. As I said, I agree with your stance, I just think that for those of us who don’t understand the topic the above reads as a very confusing jumble of defenses to arguments we’ve never heard.
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Now I am more confused…are you the author? And if you are, your article says you haven’t read that book either. The lack of information in this article left me confused too. Given you write anonymously I don’t understand you not including enough info to explain your situation. I don’t understand the editorial decision to run the article either, given that limitation. I agree with other commenters that the tone is defensive, and maybe there are good reasons for that, but you don’t really explore or explain them. Oh well, tricky subject to write about I suppose!
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yes I am the author & I have just finished the book. The starting point for the piece & the reason the question was asked.
I’m pretty sure the MM team do not want the intimate details of my sex life and as stated I’m not doing that to my partner nor myself. There are hundreds and thousands of pages that detail so many aspects of BDSM go & explore. Unless of course you need me to walk you through this?
The tone of the piece is an argument in response of a question, that’s it. People choose to take it as defensive that is fine – I have no control over the audiences reaction to something I write.
If you have followed the conversation about the book especially the Newsweek article then you could understand a little bit more
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To everyone in this thread – Let’s remember to please have some respect for this woman who has put her story out there. So happy to hear your point of view and opinion but about the subject not the style of writing. That’s just not cool
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Lana – not sure I agree there. AJ was being very respectful in their suggestions and I tend to agree that the article didn’t really tell me anything about what the D/s lifestyle entails, even on a general level. I don’t want to know the intimate details of the author’s sex life, but having no idea about what it means to be “submissive” (only in the bedroom? in the relationship more broadly?) I also don’t understand what she is ‘defending’. I also haven’t read the book in question, so I’m left utterly without context.
Does MM publish articles ‘as is’, or are they edited prior to publication? While I’m not suggesting that articles should be re-written, some guidance to occasional contributors would seem to be warranted, if only to make the point clear.
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As I have said, I have absolute respect for her position, but I think it’s fair to expect that a piece of writing make sense. As I said I normally don’t post about style of writing but most blogs nowadays are edited (or at least suggestions are made as to how to make it so it reads well) and normally MM is pretty good at having interesting, engaging pieces on hot topics.
I felt that her stance was absolutely fine, but I felt like the communication of that stance needed some honing and an explanatory paragraph (at least) so that the rest of us could follow what her argument was. It’s great if she and other submissives understand this, but I thought the point was to make it so that other people understand where she’s coming from too? I’m very respectful of her life and her choices, I have no problem with them whatsoever, but I don’t think it’s off topic to ask for some clarification and some editing so that I can relate to her story more.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’m complaining about it because I WANT to understand, and I WANT to know her situation better, and I feel like a few suggestions from an editor could have helped communicate her story better so that more people understood. It’s all coming from a good place, not a place of hatred or anger.
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Thanks for explaining that AJ. Point taken xxxx
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I have just finished the Fifty Shades Trilogy and I would encourage anyone else to read it. Especially the author of this piece, as Anastasia is far more complex and strong and not a submissive woman as you might think. But, I agree with you that yes, I think you can be a ‘feminist’ and still surrender yourself in ANY type of relationship, as long as it is consensual and right for both of you.
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After buying 50 Shades on recommendation from MM I couldn’t finish it. Not because of the sex – I love reading about sex. I was just dreadfully written. It seems to me that because 50 Shades was on the NY Times list people felt they had permission to read a romance/ erotic novel. In my opinion this is not a good example, and if you enjoyed such a poor example, please look online for other, better novels as there as so many out there!
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I’ve just finished reading it & stand by my position that she is seduced into her relationship with Christian rather than finding herself sexually and exploring the aspects of it that way.
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I am a graduate student, intelligent, feminist, independent and in control of my life. And a submissive to my partner, and not just a bedroom role player, but living it as a lifestyle.
The two go together just fine. He wouldn’t want me any other way than independent. Any guy who wants a woman who is weak in herself and her life so he can dominate her, is not a dominate guy – he just is by comparison. A really dominant guy can more than handle an independent woman.
50 Shades is a rubbish book. Aside from the crap writing it is clear this is all fantasy to the writer, I doubt she has any real experience. I find it insulting how weak the girl is, how it seems she is only doing it please him, not to fulfil her own desires. I get the feeling what she really wants is a vanilla life with him. Read Anais Nin, Story of O, even anything on an erotic story site like Literotica can you a better view of how it all works if you are curious.
Everyone is different, it is certainly not for everyone. I respect people with mainstream tastes and hope they respect my choices too.
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Can you please explain how you can be so independent yet so submissive ‘as a lifestyle’ at the same time.
I’m not being facetious at all. I’m genuinely trying to understand.
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Sure, basically for me it means I am submissive to one person – my partner. Not in life in general, which some people may take ‘submissive’ to mean. Or they have seen women who are submissive to their partners in some way but are helpless in life in general and to everyone.
I am a high performing student, I am choosing my career path and hoping to kick goals in my chosen profession. My partner wants and expects me to do so. I manage my own affairs, stand up for myself when need be, a competent independent adult woman like any other.
But if my partner tells me not to wear underwear tomorrow, I won’t. That is a ‘lifestyle’ as that is taking things out of the bedroom. If he tells me he wants my hair down then I will. Or my lipstick to be red.
Perhaps while we are apart I have to send him certain texts at certain times, like during a class break. That is a lifestyle, it’s a constant mental state of obedience to someone, fitted in with the realities of an independent life – work, family, friends, study.
He doesn’t want to meddle with the big things like what career will I do, or when I see my friends, beyond the discussions any normal couple would have ‘what life choices are we making together etc’. But he can and does expect me to submit to him in things like dress that can be incorporated into everyday life or tasks I am to perform, even when apart.
If it sounds one-sided it is not, I get plenty from this and there is always set times where I get to be the one to decide what we do. He actively encourages me to be independent and achieve and mentors me to do so. So long as I take my underwear off when told… :p
Again, it is not for many people but the highly structured nature suits us. As someone who is very independent outside the relationship stuff it is a relief to let go and let someone else take control.
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OK, so when you say ‘out of the bedroom’, it’s still mostly about sex. The idea of it is to spice up your relationship. That part I understand. Calling it a ‘lifestyle’ or taking it too seriously kind of escapes me, personally.
You’re right – it’s not for everyone. And it’s not that I don’t respect it. If that’s what really, truly works for you then I do respect it. But there’s a big part of me that thinks, ‘Why do two grown-ups feel the constant need to play silly games with each other? What’s wrong with their relationship?’
I don’t mean to be rude at all – that’s just my gut feeling. I could be completely wrong, and this kind of D/S relationship might be ideal for you for the rest of your life. Or, you might look back one day and think, ‘What the hell was I doing?! What a load of nonsense that was.’
I know I’m probably already way out of line, but you and your partner seem a little co-dependent. It’s not so much the D/S stuff itself, but the constant focus on each other that it requires. It just seems a little excessive and unnecessary. But, like I said, if it really, truly makes you happy then enjoy. And thanks for explaining it to me and giving me examples. I really do appreciate it. I learnt something new today!
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Your relationship sounds wonderful
I wouldn’t trade this for the world I’d be way too bored way to quickly!
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Well, if that’s what works for you, then sure, cool, good for you! I’m glad you’re so satisfied and happy
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I’m not sure that the author is talking about submission in the traditional sense of the word. This sounds more like surrender of the self in a trusting relationship which is often what a deep relationship involves. It can be very fulfilling sexually and also liberating.
Curious as to what is “evil in his sexual desires while being a gentleman at the same time” though. More information there might have lent more to the meaning of the word submissive which would quite possibly change the whole story to something else.
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I love being dominated in bed but that is the only place. I am in charge everywhere else. I used to try and analyze it but decided to stop that and just go with it. I love it. I also love lots of other sexual fantasies – this one is just my favourite. Plus I have a lover with whom I feel safe. We worked together for a long time and it never interfered with our working relationship. We were technically management peers but my role was one where I often had to direct him or assist him with his own staff issues. It’s not a feminist issue.
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Ill be the boring one..,,I don’t really understand this article because I’m not exactly sure what a submissive relationship is. I mean I’m not sure what that actually entails. Gee I must have plain vanilla sex with my husband….but I love it.
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domination_%26_submission_(BDSM)
Not a bad overview on wiki. Every relationship is different, just like every vanilla relationship differs. There is no set way of doing things but most incorporate some of the things in the wiki article.
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Well I can only speak about me and what I define my life as. It is a mental state where I willingly take the power over my body and give it to someone else. Obviously this can be done physically but it’s easier to tie someones hands together than what it is to be in a restrained state mentally. There are so many different types of submission and it can be taken to varying levels in and out of the bedroom. I don’t think I will ever get to the place where I want ALL power taken away from me but there are couples (both genders being submissive, straight, gay & everything in between) who do take it to that level.
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You can judge this woman all you want, but she’s made that decision to be submissive in the bedroom.
I found it refreshing to read about this about a feminist perspective and I want to thank this anonymous writer for having the courage to write about her sex life. While expecting that she is going to receive a lot of criticism from other women.
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Thank you so much!!
I’m prepared for the criticism -but then again I’m a woman & get criticised for most things right? Thank you for the encouragement.
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Absolutely! What a brave post to write!
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To be honest, the whole idea of being dominant or submissive, sexually, entirely escapes me. It doesn’t even cross my mind in the bedroom. I don’t want to be dominant or submissive. I just want to make mad, passionate love!
I find most men are pretty simple creatures in the bedroom. Let’s be frank, as long as they’re getting a root, they’re happy. I’ve been lucky to have partners who are eager to please and treat me with respect. There have literally only been one of two who’ve wanted to play psychological power games, and it’s kinda awkward when it’s clear they’re playing on their own. Some have tried to pin me down, talk dirty to me or command me to do this or that – thinking I’m going to find it a turn-on – but I don’t. On the flip side, when they’ve wanted me to dominate them, I haven’t been up for that either. To me, it all feels… I dunno… kinda silly. Not my thing.
Having said that, if playing dominant/submissive roles in your sex life is what turns you on then go for it. I don’t care what other consenting adults do in bed with each other. You shouldn’t have to justify it. Enjoy!
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I find most women are pretty simple creatures in the mall. Let’s be frank, as long as they’re getting a new pair of shoes, they’re happy. I’ve been lucky to have partners who are eager to spend money on me and treat me with respect. There have literally only been one of two who’ve wanted to play psychological power games, and it’s kinda awkward when it’s clear they’re playing on their own. Some have tried to send me broke, spend my cash or command me to do this or that ….
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Um, OK… Thanks for your ‘contribution’ to this discussion.
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Thanks mirror, sometimes a little perspective is required on how some people see, judge and comment about men and the double standards today.
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Women can be pretty simple creatures in the bedroom too
You are right it’s not your thing. You either get it or you don’t! I couldn’t imagine having sex any other way & you can’t imagine having sex this way. The world would be so boring if we were all the same though!
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I agree. That was the point I was trying to make.
Everyone’s different and this is something I don’t even think about and can’t relate to personally – but if it makes someone else happy then I’m all for it.
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“I find most men are pretty simple creatures in the bedroom. Let’s be frank, as long as they’re getting a root, they’re happy.”
ummm…I don’t think the point of this article is about how to make your man happy! It’s about what does it for the author
and to be truthful it does it for me too
unfortunately it doesn’t do it for my husband
which is unfortunate. He tries, and ‘pretends’, but I know he’s not enjoying it, so it makes me not enjoy it or ‘believe’ it.
booooo
I wish I was modern enough to have an open relationship.
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Karenagain, I hate to break it to you but I think you just agreed with me… It doesn’t do it for your partner, hence indicating that he is one of the ‘simple creatures’ to whom I was referring. A man who doesn’t want to play dominant/submissive roles and doesn’t want to have an open relationship… he sounds like my kinda guy!
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Read anything by David Deida, he will help you understand that need to be ‘submissive’ as a perfectly natural sexual energy – or “surrender” as he might put it.. He gets the importance of feminism / of having equal rights as men, thats not the issue. He just sees the need for a return to polarity in the bedroom. Much like how dancing the tango only works when someone is playing the male role and someone the female, doesn’t matter which gender plays which or if its a gay couple etc as Its about the energy play. Nothing to do with feminism. Give him a read, you just might have a few a’ha moments and stop feeling so guilty.
Also, I’m a big believer in listening to your body and desires. The body never lies. Maybe ts precicely because you are so “in control” in your life that you get so turned on by submissveness.
Whatever dynamic is going on there’s no need to explain yourself/ justify yourself to anyone. Good on you for exploring.
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Thank you. I wish there were more people with this mindset in the world. I will check out Deida’s work.
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The saddest element in all of this is that the ‘our way or the highway’ view of how a feminist should live their life forces you to spend 80% of this article begging that feminists dont view you as a victim in how you choose to live your life.
While feminism purports to be about choice, this article just proves how paranoid everybody is of treading on the toes of the feminist thought police.
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The Feminist thought police I do love this! I’m just one woman I don’t have any delusion that I am going to change the minds of many but I also wanted this out there! if we really do have choice like we are told, then lets start accepting that women can be unique and individual in their lives not just the way they have sex but in every other aspect of our lives and who we are.
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I totally get why this kind of stuff gets tangled up in feminism, but it really actually has NOTHING TO DO WITH FEMINISM IN ANY WAY. How can personal preference be defined in terms of feminism? You can’t really CHOOSE what turns you on, it just does, right?
It’s like Caitlin Moran says, sometimes stuff involves women, and everyone thinks it’s a feminist issue. It’s just not.
As long as the sex is consensual and there is mutual respect, what is the problem?
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There has been so much talk since the book Fifty Shade came out about D/s relationships & the argument is that real women don’t want it, it’s a fantasy in a book and nothing more. Well no it isn’t! There are women who choose this and have the right to be represented in this conversation. I don’t speak for anyone other than myself in this. But I am a real person who can talk about my sex life just as any other woman does. As for Feminism – the personal becomes political, Feminism to me is about providing a voice for women ALL women – aren’t I a woman too?
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How can people say real women don’t want it and it is a fantasy only in a book when the author got.it.from.real.life?
And sadly, yes, there are certain feminist camps who take a dim view of D/s so you can’t really say it has nothing to do with feminism. Feminism is a broad church and unfortunately those who shout the loudest get heard.
Submissive’s like myself like to point out the pro-feminist thing in anticipation for an attack because it happens. The sex-positive free choice feminists get drowned out by a certain sector sometimes.
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Who really knows why people feel like they can judge the way that they do & sadly Feminists (some) can be the worst for it! Sex positive Feminism doesn’t have the platform it needs to get the right message across I wish it did. I feel like I HAVE to prepare for the attack because you do just know it’s coming! So happy to know there is someone else who knows what that feels like. As much as I wish I’d never had to write it I’m glad I did!
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Good on you.
To me, being a feminist is about taking control of my life and making my own choices not dictated by the fact that I have a vagina.
You certainly can be submissive & a feminist, they don’t cancel each other out. You are making your own choices and personally I think that makes someone a feminist.
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Thank you! It’s exactly how I feel I have the right to control my life & how I have sex … even if that means I give control over to my partner
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2words.. Feminist victim
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Care to elaborate, Anon?
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Sure elaborate on what?
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No, not you Anon Submissive! I meant the original Anon. Wanted to know why they think you/the author (not sure if you’re the same person) are a feminist victim.
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I’m the author of the piece too!
Did I come across as a victim or thinking that I was? I wasn’t intending too and certainly don’t think I am. I’m frustrated at the conversation about the book and how there are some who have brought this into a Feminist discourse have tried to reject the whole idea as just fantasy. The original question was “do strong women want submissive sex?” Which is why I wanted to write this.
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Which anon???
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How exactly am I a victim of Feminism? I believe that women are diverse & have the right to be accepted for who they are not what they are expected to be.
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