I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey – the erotic story of the submissive/dominant relationship that is currently on the bookshelves and kindles of hundreds of thousands of women. But I do know about submissive sex.
I am a ”strong” woman! I am a mother, employed and putting myself through university. I work in a challenging environment and I would see myself as an independent, confident, positive, resilient women.
But like Anastasia in the book I have become a submissive woman; it is who I am and who I want to be. For me this is no fantasy, but a wonderful reality.
I’ve known this part of me for a few years. Through much exploration and reading I realised a few things about myself. I realised that I was unfulfilled emotionally and sexually. I knew that I could be turned on and reach orgasm but there was always something else there. It was through some internet searching and some wonderfully positive blogs that I found the world of BDSM and the role of submissive.
I think I need to make something clear. I AM A FEMINIST! I believe in liberation of the self and the freedom that removing social and institutional control will bring. I believe that there should be no social barriers to a woman achieving what she wants. I want a world without a sexist undertone and a world where we can all feel equal not just be told that we are. For me the relationship that I am in now allows me to strive for all of this. Defined from the beginning as a D/s (dominant and submissive) relationship yet as normal as anyone else’s. We have had every awkward moment that new relationships has and then some. We connect on a level that goes deeper than sex. I find his mind and attitude sexy and he says similar things about me. He makes me think about the world in a way that I’d never considered before and if I’m going to be really honest he just turns me on.
I have not been seduced into anything, as it seems the character in this book has been. I have not been coerced or manipulated into it. We have created this relationship on a foundation of equality. As in the definition of our relationship doesn’t make me any less of a person than him.
I have this sense of power in this relationship that I have never felt before. I have the freedom to decide exactly how I want my sex life to be and am encouraged to say “no” and I have. We are equally invested in this relationship and have negotiated, and are still negotiating the parameters around who we are.
Of course sex plays a huge part in our relationship and the bedroom is where the submissive mind set really comes into it. I want to submit myself to him totally and it is extremely hard. It is not just about being tied up and told to get on your knees. It is about walking into a situation and being able to completely trust your partner and believe that he will be safe, but more importantly capable of bringing you to a place you need to be. A place where your entire experience is in the hands of someone else. Where he takes me beyond my wildest fantasies.
Being submissive is not being lazy; my partner may be doing more to my body than I am to his but mentally I am running a marathon and this is what being submissive is for me. It is a mental state where I am totally with my body, feeling every amazing thing that he is doing to me at the same time being totally free from a need to control. I give, willingly, control over my mind and body and in turn, I am satisfied beyond any doubt. I have never been so sexually satisfied in my life. Sex becomes a mental experience where your body belongs to someone else. Through negotiation, limits and of course a safe word, I am taken to a space where I am connected to my partner in every way. Physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually we are connected.
I can understand that there will be some who see the thought of being in this type of situation as humiliating, demeaning and just wrong and I completely understand that. After all this isn’t the pre feminist era where husbands put their wives over their knee and spanked them for not having dinner on the table when he walked in the door. To me that is wrong! It is all about an imbalance of power. Let me make it perfectly clear I DO NOT CONDONE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! Abuse is abuse, perpetrated by either gender, physical, emotional or sexual IS WRONG and under no circumstances does anyone have the right to lay a hand on anyone else.
But this is not domestic violence. I am not his victim. I am not caught in any cycle of violence, nor am I ignorant of his behaviour and minimising his actions to justify some kinky sex. He his not my perpetrator manipulating me into believing he loves me while he hits me. Like I said I am an equal partner in an adult relationship, with someone who accepts me for who I am, who cares about me and who wants me sexually. He can be evil in his sexual desires at the same time as being a total gentleman.
So can strong woman want submissive sex? YES they can!!
Have you ever thought about a submissive role in your sexual relationships? Do you think strong feminist women can be submissive in bed and dominant in other areas?