by EM RUSCIANO
Yesterday I was to interview Lara Bingle of “Being Lara Bingle” fame.
I wanted to be proper about this, so I downloaded a dictaphone app, sharpened a grey lead and researched (read: looked at wikipedia) the intriguing blonde who appears to have grabbed the nation by the special area.
I sat by my phone and waited….
I felt a little nervous and a lot thankful that the glamorous model couldn’t see me sitting in my bed wearing a stained purple terri towelling dressing gown from Le Kmart and a pair of owl patterned PJ bottoms that had definitely seen better days.
I already knew Lara was looking effortlessly chic as she had posted a photo of her outfit on Instagram that morning.
I wondered if we would have an instant rapport or if she would be apprehensive, given her treatment by the public and some media outlets over the past week.
45 minutes after her people were meant to call my people (me, I’m my people.. It’s just me.) I started to realise the interview just wasn’t going to happen.
It was to be for this very website. For you, the Mamamia readers, to reflect upon and perhaps even enjoy…
So I decided to conduct the interview, sans Lara Bingle.
I will be playing both the roles of myself (Em Rusciano) and Lara Bingle. Please keep that in mind as you peruse the interview – I am answering for Lara, as I would imagine she would have answered should the interview have actually gone down.
So, here it is. My interview with Lara Bingle (with the role of Lara Bingle being played by me, Em Rusciano).
Em: Hi Lara, it’s lovely to speak with you. Have you had a fabulous morning so far?
LB: Hi Em, it’s a pleasure to speak with you also. I must admit I have found some facets of my day thus far irksome. I know I must overcome these tribulations, as I feel I am building towards a better life and hopefully changing the public’s perception of me as both a role model and a woman.
Em: Right. Okay. Well then… Can I please borrow Max? I mean, do you pimp him out to other people? The fact that he is a stylist/make-up artist/best friend/fabulous gay is quite appealing. Perhaps you could make some sweet cash on the side lending him to attention starved women such as myself? I would totally pay.
LB: Ha! You are hilarious Em. I must remember to tell all my friends about you, so that they can hire you to host their fabulous parties and wear sweet designer clothes and tell you how rad you are. Yes. Max is truly wonderful. He is my support system, my rock. We connect on a higher level of consciousness. We have transcended simplistic verbal exchanges and exclusively, telepathically communicate through our eyes.
Em: Holy shit balls really? Through your eyes? Well played. Moving on, how is your relationship with Hermione? Since she decided not to be your ‘frienager’ (friend/manager) any more, has your relationship recovered?
LB: Hermione is in a time of deep reflection, I understand that having to manage my affairs could be quite the ball breaker at times. I wish to also add that I find her attraction to my brother Josh to be both puzzling and creepy in equal measures. I am not sure our friendship will totally recover but I have forgiven her and hope that we can still be tight.
Em: Speaking of your brother Josh, what exactly does he do?
LB: I actually have no idea. None.
Em: Lara, I asked my Twitter friends what questions they would like me to ask you today and the overwhelming theme was your apparent aversion to hair brushes. How do you respond to this?
LB: Really? They don’t get it? It’s “effortless chic, boho glam, rock, sex” hair… Seriously. I mean, SERIOUSLY. Em, what do you see when you look at me?
Em: You are totally hot. I mean it. Your teeth alone transfix me like nothing else in my life can.
LB: Do you think I need a brush, Em?
Em: No Lara. I think your hair is pretty ace.
LB: Next question Em.
Em: Seriously, I mean your teeth are just spectacular. Just between you and I, how much dental work have you had?
LB: Next question Em.
Em: Err, right… Ok… Your Mother Shazza and your Nanna Bingle are in danger of stealing the show from you. How are they both handling their newfound fame?
LB: Shazza and Nan are handling it just fine. Nanna Bingle now has a publicist and will be bringing out a line of pastel leisure suits just in time for spring and Shazza is in talks with a few publishing companies about her autobiography “Just Shazza” due out next year.
Em: Great stuff. Lara, it’s been a month now. What have you learned so far about about starring in your own reality TV show?
LB: Fantastic question Em. I have learned that the Australian public appear to have a genuine problem with someone being successful because they are beautiful, privileged and young. I know that my life is sometimes pretty boring, so we have to add in superfluous ear candling scenes to beef it up. I have learned that I should wear underwear on high speed boats and most importantly I have learned that glass is see-through.
Em: Finally Lara, how is the envelope opening going?
LB: Em, any person with half a brain can see that I avoid emotionally challenging situations like the plague. Those envelopes represent responsibility and possibly an end to my frivolous, fun lifestyle. I avoid opening them because then I will be held accountable by what is inside of them. Obviously, I can perform the simple task of opening an envelope – it’s what the contents represent that troubles me.
Em: So, have you opened your mail yet?
Em: Bye Lara Bingle!
LB: Bye Em.
LB: Yes Em?
Em: Is it all worth it? What you are going though? All the microscopic judgement and angst… Is doing the show worth it?
LB: Em, what is life but a series of experiences for us to reflect back upon later and learn from.
Em: So that’s a yes?
LB: I have a solid gold iPhone.
Em: That’s a yes.
Lara Bingle outside the courtroom
Are you still watching ‘Being Lara Bingle’? What did you think of last night’s episode? Is your opinion of Lara changing as the series goes on?
Note: Please remember our dinner party rules and lay off the bitchy comments. Imagine Lara’s reading this post and the comments, and bear that in mind when you choose to say something. Any nasty, rude or offensive comments about Lara will be deleted. Be kind. Thanks.