What former "sluts" teach their daughters about sex.

By BERN MORLEY

The sex talk I had with my own mother went a little something like this: “If you do it, you will get pregnant and then you will die.”

Well maybe not exactly like that, but it was pretty close.

Basically, it was a very closed and off-limits subject. As a result, as a young adult, I was terrified of ‘it’.

One day, rifling through her drawers looking for something I suspect I shouldn’t have been, I found  The Joy of Sex just casually sitting there beneath her flannelette nightie. I, of course, devoured it and walked away even more horrified. THAT is what sex is? Why was there so much HAIR?

That being said, once I eventually got on the horse (so to speak), I discovered it was quite the opposite of terrifying. Done right, it’s exhilarating, and beautiful, and certainly nothing to ever be ashamed of. Let’s just say I took to it with some abandon.

So when it came to my turn as a mother to teach my own daughter, I didn’t want to ignore it. I wanted to confront it head on, to make her understand that it is completely natural.

So, I did one of the most awkward things parents ever do their children, I tried to casually interject an everyday conversation with the ‘sex talk’. Before I could even get to the words ‘sexual’ or ‘intercourse’, her eyes had ‘literally’ (that’s a gag for all the parents of teenagers out there) rolled so far into the back of her head, I thought she may never see again.

When she returned to face me, her exact words were “Mum, I already know. Okay?”. She felt embarrassed and this is EXACTLY what I didn’t want. So I looked at her and said only this, “Honey, you’re going to do it, maybe soon, maybe not for a while, but just make sure of two things: one, don’t EVER feel pressured to do it and two, always use protection.”

A recent Reddit thread asked the question: “Mothers who were promiscuous in your younger days, did your values change once you had a daughter?”

I’m interested in what exactly constitutes “promiscuous”?

Sadly, we know the general consensus is that a girl who sleeps around is considered a ‘slut’ whilst a boy doing the same thing, is considered a legend. That message is utterly wrong.

Would I encourage my daughter to do as I did when I was a teenager? No, I’d urge her to understand how much power she in possession of. That she should do whatever she feels comfortable with and, unlike me, she shouldn’t sleep with boys to make THEM feel better or because she feels its part of her duty as a girlfriend. If however, she enjoys it and wants to sleep with different guys often, as long as it is her decision and she does it safely, I’d tell her to go right ahead.

The readers of Reddit had a lot to say. Here is a selection of their answers:

doggybag:

Yes. I didn’t value myself when I was a teen and made a lot of questionable and risky sexual decisions. Neither of my parents taught me the importance of holding myself and my sexuality to higher standards and to choose not to just give it away to any body. They certainly didn’t tell me that boys will take what they can get wether or not they love or care about me.

I will be teaching my daughter to the best of my ability how big a deal sex is when growing up. I want her to live and respect herself enough to know when it’s appropriate to give it up and who the right person would be.

Galewrenin:

I teach my daughter to love and respect herself first. That when you feel mentally, and emotionally ready for sex do it because you want to. Not because you feel like you have to in order to keep the person you are with, for them to love you, respect you, or even to feel beautiful. That sex is fun, and can be amazing but you shouldn’t feel shameful about it. But you should also understand that as a woman people will feel the need to judge you by who your partners are and how many you may have. If you can not deal with that judgment, then do not make those choices. Above all you are more then just your sexual worth.

I was a borderline “slut” in my late teens and early twenties. The only thing I regret is doing it to feel like I was worth something instead of owning my own sexuality. I let it define who I was, but I don’t regret the multiple partners or the experience.
I also teach her sexual safety, and sex education in general. Public schools are horrible with sex education.

Niltariffic:

Sex is fantastic. It’s a normal, natural part of being human. It’s a wonderful way to express a wide range of emotions. But it doesn’t make you better, cooler, more interesting, more attractive, less attractive, less moral, or less of a person. Sex is not a net to trap somebody with. Sex is not an indicator of a person’s worth. It can be filled with love or lust. It is never an excuse to judge another person. Sex can come with all sorts of new desires, new things to try, new interests, and new forms of expression, all off which are perfectly fine so long as they are understood, consensual, and safe. That’s really the most important part of sex, it needs to be safe, consensual, and enjoyable for everyone involved. As your mother, I will never judge you for your sexual preferences or choices. I will never think less of you or love you any less for whatever your sexuality may evolve into. I will answer any of your questions openly and honestly, so long as you ask them openly and honestly. Never be embarrassed about sex. Always be prepared. That said, here is a box of condoms, do you have any questions?

Azzkerraznack

Yes and no, while I cringe at the thought of her being a sexual being, I understand that it is inevitable. I try to teach her the anatomical names of her body parts and that they are normal. I try to teach her what real love is like and to be a good example of what a woman is. She all of 4 years…other than what I’ve mentioned, I plan on being honest and thorough in all aspects of her education including sex.

I as a parent, have made sure my daughter understands that there is no right or wrong way of becoming sexually active but that she does need to value herself, to not ever feel pressured to do something sexually that doesn’t feel right. And that she should experience sex with different partners and that experimentation is healthy and natural.

How about you? Would you want your daughter to follow in your ‘early sexual exploits footsteps’?