I just got back from dropping Tiger at the vet’s to have a hydrobath (in summer I wash him with the hose, but it’s cold today). They will call me in 30 minutes to say he’s done. I’ll collect him in an hour. Maybe two. I’ll arrive and find other dog owners cooing over their freshly groomed pooches and I’ll feel a fraud – because I don’t feel what they feel. I like Tiger well enough, but I can’t say I love him.
This is unexpected and shameful. Tiger was a much-wanted family pet, as much by me as the kids. Our previous dog, Jonah, died of oldness five years ago. There was a decent mourning period. Then a year and a half ago, I deemed the time right. I began research. Did not want a dog too big or too small. Prefer non-shedding. Nothing with ‘oodle’ as a suffix (this from Jim). Friendly, good with kids, cute. Enter the Lagotto – Italian truffle digger. Bigger than a spaniel, smaller than a Labrador. Perfect. And wouldn’t you know it? There was a breeder not too far from us – two puppies still available, ready for new homes at Christmas. We did our research and spoke to a vet (didn’t want an over-bred freak with bung eyes and dodgy hips). Everybody said, – ‘Great family dog, go for it.’
So Tiger came home with us on Christmas Eve, aged 12 weeks; a white and orange mop of loveliness. The kids were besotted. I was besotted with their besottedness.
And I waited to feel the love, but it didn’t happen. I walked him and fed him and brushed him. I took him to obedience training and let him nap in my study. Nothing. He doesn’t jump the fence, eat the laundry or bark at leaves. He’s affectionate and gentle. As dogs go, he ticks all the boxes. The kids (especially our 8 year old daughter) adore Tiger but I can’t say I do. I’m sure there are many reasons and they are all my fault, but in my heart I blame the dog.
Tiger is needy. His weird greenish eyes make me feel guilty every time I’m not chucking his rubber Kong for him. When I do throw it, sometimes he brings it back, sometimes he doesn’t. He’s moody as well as needy.
He’s ungrateful. He eats top quality dog food at great expense to the management but always wants what I am eating. His look says, ‘Are you going to finish that? Cos if you’re not …’ No matter what we’re doing, he wants to be doing something else. I want a pet that lives in the moment.
He’s sneaky. That is a cat’s job. Dogs aren’t meant to be sneaky.
He’s clumsy. This is a consequence of the sneakiness. Yesterday I sprung him skulking up the stairs and he tried to back down (this was actually quite funny).
He doesn’t smile. Not like Jonah used to.
I wonder if Tiger senses my apathy? If he knows my heart isn’t in it as I fling sticks around the dog park. Sometimes I think I need to try harder. I picture a day in 10 years time when he’s old and grey around the chops. Will the idea of being without him fill me with dread? Frankly, I can’t see it, but he’s part of our family so he can stay until I do.
Do you have a guilty secret ? Something that you think you might need to share?
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I know this couple. They are smug happy clapper Christians. They look down their noses at anyone who does not share their views. They say thing like "being gay is a choice and God will punish you if you act on your feelings" or " abortion is murder and you'll go to hell". They weave religion into evey conversation and think they are so high and mighty. They met, we're engaged 3 months later, married 6 months after that and had a baby 9 months after the wedding. Being happy clappers do the extreme kind, they called the child 'Noah'. As you do. They think they have it all and they gleefully show off their perfect little family all over Facebook.
She used to declare that she was a virgin and was waiting for the perfect man, secretly shed been husband hunting for a long time but most men couldnt handle her over the top religious beliefs. She was so hungry for a wedding. Finally she got it.
The thing is, the husband is the most feminine homosexual I've ever met. I have a few gay friends, they all think he is one of them and feel really sad for him. All my friends who are not in their circle comment on his femmininess. At their wedding I overheard some wedding employees talking about the clearly gay groom and the hunky best man. The father in law is a minister in the salvation army and even more devout than both of them. It's so clear the husband had no option to be openly gay, it would not be tolerated and if he came out they would 'fix him'. They do believe you can be fixed, it's so sad.
My guilty secret is that I take delight knowing at some point, perhaps in 20 years time the husband will come out of his perfectly groomed closet and will leave the wife.
I find it cathartic telling the secrets and only wish I could tell them all but there are too many links that could expose me.....
And i wish you knew how I felt!