As my son approaches his eighth birthday, he is showing signs of wanting to be a ‘big kid’ in so many ways.
He wants to play Fortnite like his big cousins, he is reading alone at night and I notice how he cares more about the opinions of his peers. While he is many years from being a young adult, I do want to give him some autonomy where possible, with one exception; when he wants to use public toilets alone.
At this stage I take him into the ladies’ room with me or we use a disabled cubicle if its empty.
Toby rolls his eyes and comes along, but begs me to let him go into the mens’ room, as he would with his dad, but I just don’t feel it’s safe.
One of our local cafes has a unisex cubicle which is handy, but this option is few and far between in our area.
Further to the question of what to do with him when using public toilets, I recently noticed a sign in the ladies change room of a local council swimming pool requesting that boys who are older than five, DO NOT use the ladies communal change rooms but instead the disabled change room.
Personally, I feel that five is very young, and there would surely be few women offended by a five-year-old boy getting changed with the help of their mama.
Most of the parents I asked who use council pool facilities in our town, said they have either ignored this sign (and others like it), or simply don’t take their sons swimming without their male partner.
Rebecca a mum of two boys, said, “Imagine a six-year-old being in a changing room getting undressed alone with a bunch of adult men... that’s far less comfortable for me than my son being in a room with me, regardless of whether it offends any adult women.”
Mum to a five-year-old boy and four-year-old girl, Kursten agrees.
She said, “I would never allow my son to go into a male change room on his own, you don't know who is in there. Something terrible could happen in a moment that would have a huge impact on his life. If the pool enforced the rule, I would just stop going.”
Another mum described how this sign wouldn’t even exist in Perth after the horrific murder of an eight-year-old girl in a shopping centre disabled toilet in 2007.
Sally is a mum of a teenage daughter who also feels that this issue gets worse as children get to the pre-teen and teen phase.
“My daughter has been ultra-modest for quite a few years, so she’d be in the cubicle getting changed in private anyway. I would never begrudge a woman bringing her son into the women’s change rooms because, if I had a son, there is no way on earth I’d send him into the men’s alone.
“If in doubt, maybe you could duck in first and make sure there isn’t a mass of nude teens getting changed (for your son’s sake as much as yours!) and if there is, make a quick announcement you’re bringing your son in with you to see what the consensus is.”
If I take Toby swimming at one of my local council pools, I help him to change under a towel by the side of the pool and I put my swimmers on before I leave the house so I am ready to roll once he is, but this is getting harder as he becomes more modest. So far, I have not used the disabled toilet in case it is needed but I guess this will soon be our only option.
Where I grew up in the UK we had ‘Family’ sized cubicles at the council pool so that when my dad took my sister and I swimming every Sunday, we all got changed in a big cubicle together.
I returned to the UK with my boys last Christmas and we took them swimming at another local pool. The whole changing room area was unisex and divided into private cubicles with plenty of options for families to undress and dress together.
It seems like a sensible solution to me.
Regarding the public toilets, Toby will just be coming into the ladies with me as we try to limit using disabled cubicles where possible.
As for the pool, I realise that the expense of creating family rooms is not an option for every council facility, yet is asking all families with children over five, to use the one and only disabled room, the only option forever?
I certainly hope not.
What are your thoughts on sons using public toilets? Should there be more unisex options? Would you ignore the pool sign or do you think it is fair enough to exclude boys over a certain age from communal changing rooms?
Top Comments
Do able people who make the choice to use disabled facilities ever think about the kind of person this makes them?
As the parent of a child with a range of extra needs (to the extent our family are eligible to access to disability services, funding and parking) it is frustrating and very disheartening to know the disabled toilets are being repurposed for able people.
Where are we supposed to go? Are we just an inconvenient minority group whose eye you try to avoid should you ever come across us? I feel the same when I turn up to the child care centre (and other places) and a car is parked in the designated space without a valid permit. Do they think it's a vacant spot unlikely to be used? No one will mind? What would you say if we spoke to you about it? Because I am one of those who will call out others on this behaviour.
Life as a carer with a extra needs child or relative is challenging and exhausting in a way others will never understand. Why would you want to make it any harder by using their facilities? Shame on the local pool for putting up that sign too.
If there is an disable body toilet available and a queue for the standard toilet, I have no issues at all using the disable toilet. Waiting for a toilet is a fact of life for all of us and having to wait a couple minutes along with other people is fine. I understand people would be annoyed if a standard cubical is available and the disabled is being used by an unimpaired person. I don't believe it is the same as for a car park simply because it is not normal for a queue to form for car spaces.
Likewise, I understand and have no issue with why women would want to use the men's in some places because thanks to the efficiency of urinals for men (not the patriarchy), the men's toilets are usually low waiting compared to the women's toilet line (best example being the British Museum - 50 ladies line for the women's, no waiting for the men).
If fact, this whole keeping men and women toilets separate seems to be way overblown anyway. I think it is from a time when cubicles used to be far more cut down or people had Victorian values. c'mon people, no need to discriminate, be the change and don't worry about ensuring the definition of men and women being different is reinforced each time we go to a public loo!
"Disabled" toilets, are actually called Accessible toilets, meaning they are designed to be accessible for everyone and are not designed to exclusively be used by only disabled people. This is why in many places, they are the only toilet with a change table. In small cafes/offices, there is only one toilet which is usually a unisex accessible toilet.The number of toilets is determined by the building code and it is perfectly acceptable to have a dual use unisex/accessible change room. If you are angry and want exclusive facilities in every place where you need some sort of permit to enter, you would need to talk to the people who make the rules, not calling out the local pools and people using the facilities who are actually complying with standards and not doing anything wrong.
Of course most people would not use the accessible cubicle if there is a disabled person in the queue.
Its completely different from car parking whites legislated to ONLY be used by those with a valid permit.
Isn't the bigger issue the fact (it may be fear in some cases) that young boys are unafe in the men's toilets? To get to the real cause of this whole issue shouldn't we look at this issue and how public places could address it?