Eurovision 2015 in all its glory.
Missed out the first time, or just can’t get enough? Either way, we’ve complied the performances of the top five Eurovision contestants for your viewing pleasure.
You can thank us later.
5. Australia
Look at Guy Sebastian. Just look at him. Trying his darn heart out. Wearing a hat and blazer with a handkerchief in the pocket and a shirt that’s weirdly long at the back like a skirt and does he also have a feather pinned to his jacket? Who dressed this guy?
But don’t focus on what he’s wearing! Look at those moves!
Also, he throws in a totally casual, totally slick fistbump with a backup dancer. 100% unrehearsed. Maybe.
Bless him. Bless his blazer pocket handkerchief. I haven’t felt this much national pride since I played the flute at the Anzac Day Assembly in year four! How did this not win? I DEMAND A RECOUNT!
4. Belgium
Oh, shit. You can tell this is serious immediately. These guys are freakishly co-ordinated. No offence, Guy, but it turns out your Michael Jackson-inspired interpretive dance has no place among the bigwigs of European song contents.
Compare the pair: One of these teams has European class and style.
Don’t be fooled by their intimidating minimalism, though. This song is epic and I want it on my iPod.
3. Italy
… But where’s the minimalism? Where’s the militaristic coordination? This is just a guy singing a song in Italian! NEXT!
2. Russia
Let’s face it – Russia’s mostly trading off the fact that their singer looks a lot like Marilyn Monroe and that her dress is large enough to project patterns of the stars onto.
Which is totally fine. Fair play to them. GO RUSSIA!
1. Sweden
Australia had the slick fistbump. Belgium had the coordination. Russia had the special effects. Italy had the… still not sure. SWEDEN HAS IT ALL AND MORE.
You want a handshake? You got a handshake.
You want dancers to move in sync? You got dancers moving in sync.
You want special effects? You got special effects.
You want a guy who stands there and sings? YOU GOT A GUY WHO STANDS THERE AND SINGS.
Life lesson: You can’t compete with a hot, broody Swedish guy singing country music to a sad stick figure child. Best to just accept that now and avoid future disappointment.
What acts did you love at Eurovision this year? Did you think Sweden deserved the win?
Read more:
The 8 most controversial moments from Eurovision 2015.
Top Comments
I too was longing for the sparkle, the bedazzle, the absolute over the top Eurovision of old. I have dragged out my Eurovision cardboard cut out dolls with outfits to change (are you jealous yet) in the hope of making myself feel better. The only fun to be had was taking bets on if any cleavage would appear. They used enough double sided tape to attach Tasmania back to the mainland.
I was so disappointed by Eurovision this year. So little craziness. Hardly any fireworks. Not one scissor lift. Last year we had a man in a giant hamster wheel and people in boxes. What has happened to the craziness????
don't forget that Georgia last year gave us yodelling AND a skydiving backup dancer.