There’s a dating cliché that goes: “It’s not you, it’s me.” And it’s also one of my two parenting mottos. (The other is: “Naps save lives.”)
When “It’s not you, it’s me” is used in dating, it implies the other person shouldn’t take the break up personally. When I use it with my 10-year-old, I’m trying to tell him if someone’s made him feel bad, there’s a good chance it’s not really about him.
It applies to things such as what kids say in the playground, or if a teacher uncharacteristically speaks sharply. Or even if I lose my cool, not because he’s done something wrong, but because I’m exhausted.
Unkind words and actions have the power to make or break a child. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me” is a load of crap, and we all know it.
We can tell our kids to ignore unkindness until we’re hoarse, but the truth is, even just one word’s effect can last a lifetime. Fat. Stupid. Ugly. Add twenty years, and you’ll have an adult who’s internalised that hurt, maybe even to the extent they’re potentially inflicting it on others.
I think the key to avoiding that is teaching our kids resilience; how to “bounce back”, be optimistic, navigate a crisis – and not to take things so personally.
That’s why I always apologise when I’ve unreasonably lost my cool with my kid by explaining, “it’s not you, it’s me.” If he tells me someone was mean, or abrupt, I suggest, “It’s not you, it’s them – they might be having a bad day.”
I noted on Twitter recently the story of a man that had said the same thing to a child who was being berated by her mother in public, and it changed her life:
It’s crucial that he doesn’t allow negative words to define the way he thinks of himself, because most of the time, they’re not accurate. There’s an old saying I always think of; “If you walk into a room, no one is thinking of you; they’re thinking of themselves.” It means that even if people are looking at you and judging your appearance – they are doing it in comparison to how they feel or appear. Their opinion is biased towards themselves. And that’s what my tactic is all about – exposing that it’s just one person’s biased opinion.
“It’s not you, it’s them. Not everything is about you. It’s a reflection on the other person, just as your own actions are.”
I want my son to stand up for himself. Respect himself. And take responsibility for his behaviour. But not take responsibility for the issues of others.
LISTEN: Holly Wainwright and Andrew Daddo discuss toeing the line between helping your child, and letting them fend for themselves.
Top Comments
Whilst I agree with this article - I think there is more to teaching resilience and that is by modeling resilience.
Unfortunately, everyday I read an article on this and other parenting sites of mothers taking things way too personally. Being upset at having to giveback a reason your child is late to school, suffering trauma due to a medical term "failure to progress", being offended at having to abide by school uniform and lunchbox policies. We are all getting too offended at teeny things and I wonder what we are teaching our children when every little thing becomes a massive issue that we need to write a social media story about.
I think it’s great that you’re trying to teach your son all this. I am a little concerned that you told him about the girls parents being in jail and her being a ward of the state. I understand wanting him to know that other people have stuff going on that he might not know about, but that might be something she doesn’t want all her classmates knowing about. It’s also the kind of thing kids get bullied for (not saying your son would do that), if it gets around.
That was my thought also...