“Isn’t she pretty?” “What lovely eyes!” “How alert she is!” “She’s so friendly and happy”
There are the kinds of compliments any mother would love to hear about their baby. Unless you are the mother of twins. And these compliments are directed at only one of your babies.
Since having my fraternal twin girls 8 months ago, it has amused, astounded and on occasion highly annoyed me when friends, family and strangers have thrown around these comments, praising one of my girls and ignoring the other.
They are too young to be offended but I am offended for them.
When I first found out I was pregnant with twins I bought a couple of books about twins, as you do, to see what needed to be done. I already had a six year old but I suspected that having twin babies would be a bit different than having a singleton. Along with the advice about how to tandem breastfeed and whether or not to put them in the same cot, these books contained a lot of advice about how to ensure your twins felt like individuals rather than a one half of a whole.
One piece of advice was pretty straightforward, but I admit I find hard to always follow; don’t refer to them as ‘the twins’ all the time. Instead try to use their names as much as possible, including when you are talking about them to others. Recognise they might have different interests (which might mean dropping one off at soccer then speeding across to another suburb to drop one at ballet). But the usual rule to limit rivalry applies to twins as it does to other sibling: Don’t compare and contrast all the time.
Perhaps it’s something we feel we can do with twins more than with ‘normal’ siblings. Despite the greater prevalence of twins today (thanks to IVF and women having babies later in life), they are still a novelty of sorts. Like a science experiment we are all keen to witness. Sharing the same womb, birthday, parents and home life, will these two biologically connected beings end up being the same? Or wildly different?
How awful would it be though, how threatening to your self-esteem and to family unity, to grow up feeling as if the world liked you less than your twin? You both had the same start in life but you were the one that screwed it up. You could have been smarter, nicer, thinner, more accomplished! Why look at your twin sister!
Thankfully, from what I have observed this tendency (without malice and unintentional I am sure) for people to compare twins all the time doesn’t seem to impact too much on the bond between twins. Ever since I knew I was having twins, I’ve been inundated with twin stories, about the wonderful connection, support, love between twins, identical or fraternal, same sex or boy and girl.
In the vast majority of cases being a twin is a unique and wonderful experience, like having a best friend and a partner in crime for life. Hopefully, such a bond should be a natural shield to protect twins from the unthinking comments of strangers.
Click through the gallery below for more photos of twins.
Twins.
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Top Comments
I have fraternal 12 year old twin boys. Not once in my life have I referred to them as "the twins" and I very quickly pull up any family member that does. it's just lazy.
For the most part I forget they are twins. Mostly they're brothers who shared a womb at the same time.
As for people commenting, that stopped long ago. These days they look so dissimilar - height, weight and hair colour, most people just assume they're just very close in age.
Yep. 19 minutes close.
How about be happy that people are taking a positive interest in your children. So sick and tired of the "don't say this, don't say that" articles. people might as well just not talk to each other.
I've seen so many articles on what "not to say", it's getting very tiring. I remember one not too long ago about "what not to say to a woman who has lost a baby". Well, I'm one of those women now. I found out 4 weeks ago that my baby died in my body and waited until late last week to miscarry (surgically, because it hadn't happened naturally, or medically induced). I've had a myriad of emotions about losing my bub and you know what? I had all those statements that were included on the "what not to say", but through my grief I didn't get mad or angry and you know why? Because each and every one of those statement (although some were harder to take than others), they all came from a good place, they came from family and close friends who were grieving too. Who were sad and disappointed for me. Who loved me and supported me. People trying to let me know that they were thinking of me, that they were staying positive for the future, encouraging me that I will hold a baby in my arms in the future. Life goes on, it doesn't stop for anyone. I think we need to go back to the days when we assumed people were kind and well-meaning, instead of focusing on the negative side of things all the time.
I'm sorry to read about your loss, but I'm really glad to see you're seeing the best in people. I agree 100% with your post. We are too quick to be offended, even when people are trying their very best in a tough, tough situation.