For two years now my sister’s life has been plagued with anorexia nervosa.
Diagnosed at 17, I remember being in the carpark of a medical practice after her first appointment and, despite her obvious decline, we stood in some sort of numb shock.
Singer Kasey Chambers tells us what it was like to have an eating disorder. Post continues after video.
She explained that she required a physical assessment to decide whether she would need hospitalisation and tube feeding. I could not fathom the idea.
The stubborn streak in me would not fathom the idea. I remember thinking that surely there was something I could say; that if I found the perfect sum of words, I could fix it.
I remember wondering whether there was some sort of plan we could devise together to avoid what seemed, at the time, outrageous and unnecessary for the 17-year-old who was incredibly smart, witty, bright and kind.
A meal plan, they said. Fantastic, I remember thinking. That will solve it all!
Unfortunately, just two months later, Emily was hospitalised for life-saving intervention and tube feeding. May I add a side note here that to anybody who thinks eating disorders are glamorous and/or conceited, watching the person you love lay lifeless, being fed through a tube squashes all of that. It was in these early months that the complexities of this insidious illness begun to unravel and reveal just how difficult it is for Emily to endure and how challenging it is for us to understand.
At the same time I look back and recall just how desperately difficult it was. She would wake up another day sick and we would wake up another day heartbroken and powerless, with absolutely no clue what we could do to make it better. The only thing worse than seeing her so unwell was the accompanying helplessness. It is human nature to want to help, and it is exceptionally painful to not be able to do so.
Since her diagnosis in June 2017, and like many eating disorder sufferers, Emily has been in and out of treatment and hospitals. She has been interstate and overseas. We have had so many arguments I have lost count. Because what you don’t see or hear is the difficulty in supporting somebody through this type of illness. She has fought me hard. I have stood over her furiously. Sworn at her. Yelled at her. Spent days without talking. I have been so, so angry. And confused. And tired. She has been all of those things too.
As her cognitive function diminished, parts of her personality did too.
When you know somebody before their illness, this part is just as painful as baring witness to the physical decline. So as I searched the internet for similar stories and for helpful advice, I didn’t find much. See, nobody really explained what it would be like to go through this process alongside the patient. There are so many stories spoken from the perspective of the sufferer. But nobody spoke of how challenging it can be to be the supporter. Nobody explained the confusion and sorrow you will feel. But most importantly, nobody really explained the type of love it craves and the type of love it consequently births.
Just as eating disorders drain you of your common sense and own beliefs, they single-handedly bring out every ounce of love within your being. Not just for your struggling loved one, but for everybody in your life. You begin to notice love more and to appreciate it more. You seek it out and you aim to spread it like wild fire.
Because, for all the ups and downs, supporting your loved one through an eating disorder teaches you the true meaning of unconditional love. After time it begins to dull the question: “what can I do to make her better?” and instead illuminates “how can I love better?” Day after day, you learn to erase what happened yesterday and you create the energy to start again today. Unconditional love, I have learnt, is not the cure but it is certainly the way through.
Today Emily is in Sydney, thousands of kilometres away from friends and family treatment in hospital.
The irony of the situation is that we all waited patiently for a bed to become available and feel immense gratitude that it was offered to her, yet it still stings. I feel pain for other families in the same situation, waiting for help. I feel pain for other sufferers in treatment, so far from their families. And I feel pain that the majority of the population have no idea this happens.
A silent epidemic.
In those early days I recall reading an article about how “eating disorders affect the entire family” and I rolled my eyes. Probably because I did not want to believe it. Probably because it sounded entirely dramatic. Here’s what I know now. Eating disorders do affect the entire family; they change family. They birth unconditional love.
Anne Tonner didn’t have much experience with eating disorders, then her daughter was diagnosed with anorexia. Post continues after audio.
And if any further question remained on my love for her, maybe I should tell you that on Sunday, a mere two days after she left Adelaide once again for treatment in Sydney, I took her jackets and jumpers, gave our dog some extra love and played her favourite songs to lessen the distance.
Treatment for eating disorders in Australia is extremely limited. Waiting lists often exceed 8-10 weeks with patients needing life-saving intervention in our medical system in the mean time. Like Emily, some patients are separated thousands of kilometres from their families for weeks at a time to receive treatment. The mortality rate is 1 in 5 and children as young as 10 are affected. In September, we will be running in Adelaide’s City to Bay to raise awareness and money in support of Australia’s very first residential treatment facility.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder or mental health issues, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or The Butterfly Foundation on 1800 334 673. If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
If you would like to join our team and walk or run, please email katherine@katherineschultzphotography.com. To make a donation, please head to our Go Fund Me.
This post was originally published on Katherine Schultz Photography and has been republished with full permission.
Top Comments
37 years ago I too lived with a sister who had bulimia and then anorexia. It seems the path for siblings and families is similar today as it was then. Searching and finding support and information is so hard. You can reach out to people who have had similar experiences but the immediate medical and non medical advice for supporting someone in this situation is very scarse.
When I had my daughter I constantly worried about what I should or should not do to have her fall into the same path as my sister. Even thought I had experienced this illness closely I still had no tools or knowledge around how to prevent it with my children.
I remember many times taking a group of my daughters friends to the public pool for a swim overhearing how unhappy they were with their bodies. I remember being so frustrated about how I should or could help them have a better view of the world, their bodies and self worth.
When I was in the middle of my sister's illness there were times that I felt angry, many times in fact. It was like the illness was used to move attention away from my achievements or the support I needed from my parents at the time to the illness. Do I feel guilty about that - yes. When there was one time my sister was in the Emergency Department having survived an attempted suicide (one of many) I looked at how sad and helpless my parents were in the waiting room. And yes I was so angry about how it was affecting them.
Family perspectives can be confronting.
One day I might be able to better understand the why, the how, and some of the ways we can try and prevent people from succumbing to this illness. I am still at a loss.
Teresa, can i ask how your sister is now?
Katherine I am so proud of you for sharing your journey in supporting a loved one with an eating disorder, you are an amazing big sister to Emily. As I sit here at the airport returning from spending the weekend visiting Emily, I am reminded of how lucky Emily is to have you and a family that loves her unconditionally xxxx