By JOHN JAMES
When I was in my early twenties I would regularly visit brothels or use the services of escorts. I was first encouraged to visit sex workers by a female friend of mine. She knew I was going through a dry period and one of her friends was a sex worker. My friend thought it was sensible for a guy like me, who was shy and crap at picking-up women, to visit sex workers in between being relationships.
My first visit to a brothel was scary. You may think it’s easy to walk into a brothel and ask for sex but it was one of the most intimidating things I have ever had to face. Having worked up enough courage to ring the front doorbell (and realising why many men need dutch-courage to do this) and all the time hoping no one I knew would happen to walk past and see me, I was let inside by the resident Madam.
Then I was confronted by a new level of intimidation – the line-up. Not all brothels are the same but the one I chose that day used the ‘line-up method’ to introduce clients to the sex workers. All the available girls, dressed in their sexy outfits and stilettos, lined up in front of me and I was expected to choose who I wanted to have sex with. I think I panicked and simply chose the first one who came out but by luck or chance, she proved to be a good choice. She took me to a room and seeing how nervous I was, she offered me some words of encouragement and helped me relax. Until the “inspection”.
The inspection involves you dropping your dacks in front of the sex worker, who, with the aid of a lamp, inspects your genitals for signs of STDs. If you have never done this, you have no idea how humiliating this can feel…it certainly isn’t sexy. But on the other hand, it was good to know that they take precautions to try and stop the spread of STIs. Seeing I was OK, she took my money and left me to have a shower. The sex came next.
I took two things away from the first experience of using a sex worker. Firstly, I was really impressed with how professional she was. She knew how to relax me, she knew how to arouse me and she knew how to make the experience pleasurable – sexually and emotionally. Secondly, I was surprised how good I felt for days afterwards. It wasn’t just the sexual relief, it was also the boost to my self-esteem that made me feel good. I hadn’t been expecting that. I had always assumed that visiting a prostitute would be degrading for both the client and the sex worker. The opposite was true.
However, one thing I discovered early on, was that not all brothels are equal. Subsequent visits to other brothels exposed me to the seedier side of the business. I even walked out of a few establishments once I realised that the girls working there were not happy, or were clearly drug-affected. You could tell. The dead eyes, the disinterested demeanour. Just the vibe in some places felt wrong. Everything that critics of the sex industry claim about the victimisation of sex workers is true. I’ve seen it first hand.
On the other hand, I’ve also seen what supporters of the industry say about sex workers. I was lucky enough to find a couple of establishments where both the sex workers and the clients are treated with respect. Believe me, you can tell the difference. Once I found these establishments, I never went anywhere else. The girls were friendly and engaged. Sure, they still brought their “game-face” to the proceedings – while you were with them, they pretended you were the only man in the world – but I’m a curious fellow and when I would openly and honestly ask them about their profession, the “game-face” would be put away and they spoke to me as a person, not a client.
I learned a lot about the industry from the three or four sex workers I saw on a regular basis. I learned that they felt lucky to be working in an establishment that respected them and didn’t use or abuse them. They also told me horror stories of some of the other places they had worked at. They explained that, when given a safe environment to work in, that sex work can be both profitable and empowering. None of them felt like victims.
One girl was working her way through university. Another would work for 6 months a year and then use the proceeds to travel through south-east Asia for the next 6 months. There was another, who was a housewife with a husband (who knew) and kids (who didn’t). To her, the sex was a job just like any other. It helped her pay her bills. And there was an older worker I saw who said that she kept doing it simply because she enjoyed it. I believed her.
I think we should be educating young men about the sex industry. Instead of treating people who pay for sex as desperate losers, let’s be honest with our young men. There is a chance that your son or younger male relative, may at some point in their lives seek the services of a sex worker.
Let’s educate our young men to respect women who choose to become sex workers. Let’s encourage our men to be discerning and choose to only spend their money in establishments that treat their workers and clients with respect. And let’s teach them how to recognise these establishments.
If we keep ignoring this subject, men will continue to visit and support establishments that do not treat their workers or clients with respect. If we can’t openly talk about the role of sex workers in our society without resorting to ridicule and prejudice, women will continue to be used and abused.
We need to both acknowledge the validity of sex work as a career choice but also condemn the people who take advantage of women who enter the sex industry, not through choice, but circumstance.
John is a writer by trade, a frustrated rock star in his spare time, a social media junkie and a committed atheist.
This post was originally run on KiKi & Tea.
Top Comments
Hoping someone who has been or is in the profession can answer this. (It may sound a little judgmental, not of sex workers but of 'stereotypical' clientele so apologies in advance if so).
How would one deal with an unappealing client, e.g. when picked from a line up or sent on call? Do you just kind of suck it up and deal with it? (no horrible pun intended)
I am still very disturbed by many of the comments that are being posted in response to this article.
I want to encourage people to think objectively about what it is that makes them see sex workers so negatively. There is a lot of repetition of it being because it's about sex and "putting penises in vaginas". Why is sex such a scary thing? Sex work is about sex, and sex is about pleasure. Sex work isn't about violence, or murder, or guns, or causing others harm. What is it about consensual sex that makes someone "lack moral fibre"? How can having sex make someone so bad?
I ask these questions because I am truly
fascinated to know how a person could hurl such vicious, cruel, judgmental words around - all the while, speaking of pride and self-esteem (the irony is not lost!). The craziest part of this is that virtually everyone who is throwing around all this venomous hatred has zero experience in the industry. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but what good is an opinion that is not based on facts, only on ignorance? You don't have to agree with what I do for a living, but comments about my lack of integrity, my employability, my value as a person, etc etc etc, are out of line and come from nowhere but your own hatred. I know this industry can be a threatening topic, especially for women. But please, try to hear the voices of sex workers who can educate you on lots of aspects of the work. And if you can't, try to rise above your own anger and at the very least show kindness to and respect for your fellow human beings.
LaraB, I really do get what you are saying, I do. You rightly so have to justify the decision you made to be a prostitute. And I can see how being in the industry you would be surrounded by people who would help to validate your choice. But beyond the sanctity of the industry you are in, the perceptions of the wider community are reflected in a lot of these comments. I'm not sure there is a lot of anger driving the conversation, I think there is a lot of frustration in reading the sex workers justifying their choice and trying to convince everyone that they are empowered.
When a man wants to pay you to have sex with him and you allow that, you are giving away a part of you that for most women is quite a sacred part of themselves, reserved for a man of their choosing when mutual attraction and respect collide. So it is very hard coming from that place to imagine how circumstances and choices in your life bring you to a point where you would allow a man to pay to have sex with you.
You are certainly entitled to make the choice to be a prostitute but understand that the choice will define you. Just as choosing to be a Doctor says that they are intelligent, dedicated, respectable, honourable and ethical. All fantastic attributes that most of us strive to achieve in our lives.
How you could choose to not aspire to such attributes in your life is your choice but don't ask us for respect and don't expect us to believe that you posses this girl power empowerment. It's a false economy.
Lara B.. What is so bad about having sex , nothing if you are in love or mutually attracted to someone. However having to pay someone to have sex with you is seedy and dirty. How you could think that it is respect earned by performing sex acts with a man you may not even like is beyond me. Sorry for your choice of profession, but I would have respect for you if you used your mind which you seem to have a good one and used it to your advantage, instead of selling your body for some cash. Its a sad environment that I hope you get out of sooner than later. A woman with too much mileage on her makes her haggered and age before her time. Have a think about it.
Thanks Kristine for your reply. However, I feel my questions remain unanswered, and you have simply repeated some of your previous points. I still don't know what it is about sex that is such an issue for you. Sex may be a sacred thing for you, but for me, it isn't. I remain in the dark as to how this makes me or my choices bad?
The perception of the wider community is something I am painfully aware of. However, just because it is a widely held perception doesn't make it correct.
As for being empowered, I reserve the right to be the expert on my own life. It is not for anyone else to tell me who I am. I know I am an empowered woman. People who try to tell me that I am too silly to know my own life and circumstances can be a disempowering factor, if I let them.
I am intelligent, honourable, ethical, dedicated and respectable. You have virtually no information about me to make a decision otherwise - apart from my posts which I believe demonstrate those very qualities, and my job. How can you justify making such a judgment without ever having met me?? That is what seems to be odd to me.
Again, this focus on sex having to be only in the context of love. There are many people who do not subscribe to this belief system. I'm still wondering though, what is it about the provision of a sexual service that is seedy, dirty and sad? Obviously I use my brain constantly in the course of my work, but what is dirty or sad about me also using my body to earn a living? If I was a builder, I'd be doing the same thing. I am honestly really interested in why people feel this way. I keep reading the same comments, but nobody has actually backed up their prejudices with an explanation. Can you explain yours please?