Dear Other Woman,
It’s been nearly two years since you had a short lived affair with my husband. Two years since what you both did changed the lives of so many people. You were his boss (and 10 years younger than him) and you both knew that it was against work policy. You knew that he was married with teenage kids. Did he tell you that we had celebrated 20 years of marriage a few months earlier? I don’t blame you for the affair, I blame BOTH of you, but him more so. You are two consenting adults, with morals and beliefs, but for some reason that I will never understand you both threw that out the window so you could be together.
I’m not writing this letter to blame you or be angry at you. All I want is the truth. Don’t I deserve the truth? I want to know what lies he told you about me, about our relationship, about everything. You’re a smart, intelligent woman, you have to be, you run a retail store with over 150 people under your control. I know there are two sides to every story and in this case there are three sides: mine, yours, his. I’ve asked him and either he can’t remember or won’t talk about it (apparently it hurts to much to remember the pain he has put me through!).
This woman’s ex husband is now cheating on his mistress with another girlfriend. Should she whistleblow or walk away? Post continues.
I’ve tried on three occasions to talk to you. The first I came to your work the day after I found out about the affair (this was the first and only time we met). I wasn’t angry, I just wanted answers, I even called before hand to make sure it was OK to come and see you. I didn’t realise at the time but you lied the whole time, using this meeting as a way of gleaning information from me. A month later I confirmed the affair was real and not just in my head. Again I called you and you agreed to meet me later that day, only to pull out at the last minute. A few months later I was contacted by a “friend” of yours and told a few things. Again I messaged you to see if we could talk. You agreed but then when the time came you wouldn’t answer my calls. I have never called or showed up unannounced, I’ve always been considerate and respectful of your feelings. As hard as this has been on me, I understand that you have been hurt too.
I too am a smart, intelligent woman with a very successful career. I knew for months something was wrong and didn’t follow my gut instinct. I just want answers: when he said he was at the footy with mates or had a late meeting or had an alarm call out or any number of excuses, was he really with you? Why won’t you give me this? Don’t I at least deserve to have these answers after everything? He’ll never give them to me, he’s in self preservation mode!
Don’t you want to know the things he has told me about you? How he has put all the blame on you (again part of his self preservation mode)? He quit a job he loved to save our marriage and to escape your evil clutches (his words). As I said I am intelligent, I know that he was as equally involved in the affair as you.
Like you, I love him. I have for over 20 years. He has given me two beautiful kids and a life time of beautiful memories. Which have all been tainted with this affair. I have daily reminders of your affair. I believe you and he hardly ever think of that fleeting romance. You’re young, smart and beautiful, I’m sure you have already moved on. I’ll never be able to fully move on because I’ll always have questions. Questions he can’t remember answers to (or says he can’t remember). Answers I know you as a woman would have locked away. If only you could understand what it feels like to live a life always wondering if and when the truth will come out. Wanting and hoping for the truth.
We are complete strangers, yet I know that you hate me because he chose to stay with his family instead of being with you. I’m not going to apologise for this. I’m just asking from one woman to another, please ease our pain, speak to me, tell me the truth, together let us see who he really is.
Regards,
The Wife
"It's Just Porridge" - A Doctor's Thoughts On Oat-Zempic
The Quicky
Top Comments
It seems like it has been a long time. If you cannot begin to heal and if you and your husband(ex?) cannot communicate maybe that was part of the problem all along?
I divorced, as did my husband of 2 years, to be together. His ex-wife was a miserable person that berated him nonstop. She and the kids all agreed they were miserable. I had been miserable since the start of my marriage.
He and I were coworkers that only saw each other for work. Somehow we began talking and sharing. The attraction didnt happen right away but grew over time. We were married 2 months after fast divorces and have not ever been happier.
His ex-wife blames me, the younger "slut" but doesnt look at the 35 years of a horrid marriage. Shaming me when she played a part isn't fair. I am sorry for pain caused but move on at some point and acknowledge your own wrongdoings. The poster here sounds like she also needs to let go and move on. Maybe find your own happiness.
I understand where you’re coming from with this.
I was the “other woman” with a man I loved for four years. I left my husband for him - he left his wife - and we did end up together as a couple for a while. We purchased a property together, I looked after his children and he told me we could also have children of our own.
The relationship ended when I discovered he was actually cheating on me. Karma? Maybe. Did I deserve the trauma and the pain? Probably. Do I regret what I did? Absolutely.
The woman who went through the real trauma though was his wife. I knew she had suspicions - I never met her, but he and I were so close and saw each other every day while we were both married. He painted her as an indifferent, slovenly woman who sat at home and didn’t really do much aside from eat too much and spend his money. Never mind that she was highly educated and singlehandedly raised his children while he was with me - all the while believing he was at work or at work related events.
When I packed my things to leave on the day I discovered he had been unfaithful to me, I came across a card that she had written him when he had left her to be with me - albeit she didn’t know conclusively I was the reason for him leaving, and we kept our relationship a secret for a little while after he actually left. He had written her a letter, (a copy was with the card) and he had told her the “reasons” why he was leaving. She wasn’t fun anymore. She was overweight. She didn’t make him feel important or supported in his job. She didn’t spend enough time looking after their home. She didn’t dress in clothes he liked.
But the card she had written him was what broke my heart the most. Honestly. She wrote what her hopes and dreams had been for them both and for their children. She told him she loved him and that she was so sorry for causing their marriage to fail. She promised to lose weight, take more pride in her appearance - support him - and asked him to come home. She apologised for everything when in fact she hadn’t done a damn thing to cause him to leave. It was him. Not her.
She discovered soon enough that he and I were together and I remember when he called her to tell her that I could hear her crying while he held the phone to his ear. He only told her because we had bought a house and as part of the arrangements for the children, she had to be notified if another person was going to be living at the same property as where the children would be every second weekend.
He was a narcissist - I wasn’t much better to be honest - and I failed in the sense that in my desperation to be loved, I participated in the worst kind of treachery imaginable that didn’t only impact her but also his two young children. A family was torn apart and I take responsibility for my part in that.
I have her phone number and often wonder how it would be received if I contacted her for exactly the same reason as this article suggests. I am prepared to be on the receiving end of the hurt I caused - truly - if I was able to offer her some closure and for her to know that she wasn’t the one who failed. I’m in two minds about it and although almost two years have passed, I know now that being cheated on and deceived is a terrible form of torture that creates self loathing and confusion for a long time.
I’m not trying to be a martyr or salve my own conscience at all. I simply wish I could take back or ameliorate the pain that I created for a woman more honourable than I ever was.
Apologising would be a nice thing to do, as long as you’re doing it for her, not for you, and be prepared she may not forgive you, could react angrily in fact. Still worthwhile, and an essential part of redemption, IMO.