Father. Mother. Baby. This writer switches perspectives on a domestic situation to make her very controversial point.
This parenting post may be among the most divisive you’ll ever read. It was originally posted by Lottie Daley who is a “Hypnobirthing teacher and lactivist” (breastfeeding activist) with her own blog. While Mamamia is not endorsing the message that the post is promoting, it sparked a passionate debate in our office. We’d like to hear your thoughts.
WARNING: This post uses analogies to family violence. Some readers may find it triggering.
I read a conversation on Facebook this morning that grabbed me so hard I just had to post it.
Sophie: My husband left me alone crying until I threw up.
Jess: But I bet you can now self soothe!
Sophie: I’m too scared to make a noise next time.
Jess: Happy husband happy wife hun x
Kate: How inconsiderate of you to expect him to comfort you. I bet you expected him to clean up your sick as well didn’t you? How utterly selfish!
Kate: And I hope he hasn’t made eye contact!
Jess: I’m sure it won’t do you any harm
Kate: I know other people who have done it and it didn’t do them any harm. Tough love.
Jess: Well my husband did it to me and I’m ok. And my cousin’s son’s neighbour’s auntie’s dog’s kids’ husband did it and their kids are fine too!
Sophie: He made me sit on the stairs for ages earlier too, because I was joking around.
Kate: He needs to show you who’s boss hun. You’ve got to learn xxx
Lisa: I know how you feel. I refused to eat my dinner earlier because I wasn’t hungry, so now I’m not allowed anything until tomorrow. I keep telling my boyfriend I’m hungry but he just ignores me. I’ve started to cry now but he still won’t let me eat anything.
Sophie: He just shouted at me to shut up.
Emma: That must have been sooooooooooooo hard for him, tell him well done for being so strong ((hugs))
Sophie: I’ve just tried to open the door. He’s holding it shut.
Kate: It won’t do you any harm, and anyway, you have to learn !
Nahla: What? OMG! Call the police! That’s abuse hun! He’s treating you like you would treat a child!!!
Jess: Ladies, will you stop manipulating your men!
Sam: It’s bedtime Sophie. You have to learn to self settle, otherwise you will be too dependant on him and that’s not acceptable. You will never learn to be a cold and detached adult if he gives in and cuddles you. Sorry but it’s best for everyone.
Jess: You’ll be fine. Oh wait..you’re an adult not a baby. Shit, that’s awful are you ok? What a bastard. I hope you threw up on him as you packed your bags and got the hell out.
Sophie: He came in. Didn’t look at me. I tried to hug him he pushed me away and put me in bed.
Jess: And your problem is?
Sophie: He must hate me.
Sam: He’s doing it because he loves you. Because it’s better for you to go to sleep alone and feeling mentally and physically drained and feeling like no one gives a shit. That way you will sleep through the night, without disturbing his sleep.
Sophie: I’m scared.
Catherine: Sophie, be quiet and go to sleep. You’re not scared, you’re testing. Now shush.
Lauren: Well as long as you have eaten and been to the toilet then there would be no other reason that you would need him!
Vanessa: Oh just shut up and go to sleep will you!
Sophie:But I’m hungry.
Vanessa: You should’ve eaten your dinner then!
Sophie: I keep waking up and calling for him. He must have left.
Vicky: Best thing to do, Sophie, is go to sleep. No one will come no matter how much you sob or call out for them.
Kate: It doesn’t even matter if you’re hungry, or too hot or cold, or simply need some cuddles. At this time of night husbands aren’t here to do what they do during the daytime. You’re just an inconvenience.
Rebecca: Sshh! Go to sleep or you’ll get a smack.
Emma: He was probs at the end of his tether, girlfriends can be such hard work??
Sophie: He left me in my own sick, didn’t clean me up. He didn’t hear me be sick so didn’t help me.
Emma: He must be so tired and frustrated.
Sophie: I tried to tell him I needed him. I just wanted a cuddle.
Sophie: Apparently I have sleep issues. That’s what they told my husband. And I need to learn.
Sophie: I don’t understand why the person I love the most doesn’t want to touch me or look at me.
I’ll leave you with your thoughts.
How does this confronting post make you feel?
Top Comments
I liked this article. Not because of its material, but what I got from it. Pediatricians tend to tell parents to let the baby cry it out, and that they will eventually go to sleep on their own, or to put their foot down in order for the child to eat their dinner
I know because I am a mother. I've had people tell me these things since my son was a baby, and yes I did rock him to sleep every night for hrs and continued until he didn't wake up. I offered him veggies, but didn't force them, time out was a daily thing, but not over done, but I see the message this article is trying to send. I think parents give into others opinions on how they should parent and go against their own instinct because they're just to tired to keep giving the child what it's crying for. I am just glad I didn't let my child "self sooth" himself to sleep, or ignore his crys in the night. I am glad I let him sleep with me until he was 7 and made his own dicission to sleep in his own bed by himself. Children aren't inconveniences, they're gifts and should be treated as such
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For me, while I think this article is completely illogical (i.e. children are not adults!), I think there is a worthy point about the difference between child abuse and lovingly helping a baby/child to slowly grow in their independence.
For me, any time that discipline involves a baby or child (or frankly, another person) being scared, that's abuse. There's never a need to frighten a child.
I read an amazing story about one of the first female soldiers in the US Army, a real trailblazer who had to deal with huge amounts of abuse and criticism throughout what has become a stellar career. She says her secret was to always respond to bad behaviour with assertiveness and humour. What a brilliant combination. Works for babies and small children too. Assertiveness to make it clear that you're serious, and humour to help win them over and avoid using fear.
At my child's daycare centre, a father there once told me how his son was having trouble toilet training, so every time he wet his pants he'd take his kid out into the garden and hose him. In the middle of WINTER! And he said that even though his kid was crying and scared (he actually acknowledged he was scared), that in the end it worked. Yes, fear can be effective. But THAT's abuse, in my view.