Virginia Tapscott describes herself as university-educated, career-oriented and ambitious. She also has four children under the age of six - and she doesn't want a career.
Virginia was raised with the idea that 'girls can do anything'.
She dreamt of being a police officer, then decided on journalism because she loved listening to the radio. So Virginia went to university to embark on media studies and began her career.
But when Virginia fell pregnant at 25 with her firstborn Oscar, something hit her: a realisation that she didn't want the big career and everything that came with it. She just wanted to be a mum.
A few weeks ago, Virginia wrote an opinion piece that spoke about the judgement she has faced as a result of being a mum looking after her kids at home full-time.
And this week, Mia Freedman and Virginia unpacked the tension women experience when they have kids on No Filter.
Watch Gretel Killeen on parenting as a single mum: "It was really bloody hard." Post continues below.
In the early chapters of her life, kids weren't high on Virginia's priority list. In fact, she rarely thought about whether kids would be a part of her future.
"I didn't think about having kids a lot. I thought about what I was going to do for a job. I just remember Mum's words in my head saying: 'girls can do anything these days'. That's a great way to grow up. But the reality comes when you're older, in terms of fertility," Virginia said.
Until Virginia had kids, she also hadn't really been around children. And it was a steep learning curve.
"From the beginning it was such a shock. I hadn't seen a woman breastfeeding, I hadn't witnessed a birth, and I think I had held a baby once before. It was so overwhelming - I didn't realise how often I would have to feed him! And the nappy changes."
Logistically, Virginia knew babies had to be changed and fed. But the reality of it was exhausting.
Listen to Mia Freedman interview Virginia Tapscott on No Filter. Post continues after audio.
As for the emotional impact - it was far more severe than Virginia had anticipated.
"I'm now into six years of being a mum, and only now I'm feeling like I understand it all. At the time it was unsteady ground. Plus, everything is heightened when you give birth - any previous little hang-ups you might have had, and the hormonal change postpartum, it becomes a lot," she said.
When Virginia had her first baby she was working in journalism at a top Australian broadcaster. She was given one year unpaid maternity leave and used the Australian Government's three-month paid maternity leave.
Six months into her newborn's life, Virginia felt deep down that she couldn't return to her big, ambitious job. She didn't want to either. So she called her workplace and told them she wasn't coming back. From a financial perspective, she knew her husband's single income and her own freelance writing could keep them afloat. But it was a big financial sacrifice for their family.
She wanted to be a stay-at-home 'parental caregiver'. So Virginia did everything she could to make that happen.
"I thought if I could have a little bit of my work identity via freelancing, then I wouldn't have to keep up the career. That's a unique position I was in for my industry - of course the ability to do that is very limited."
Before having her four kids, Virginia said she derived so much of her identity and happiness from her career. She loved the independence, getting paid and working. But she also wanted to have control over her hours and what time she could spend at home raising her children.
"In the end I think it came down to confidence in myself that 'girls can do anything'. And if that's true, I should be able to stop paid work and raise my children how I want to - financially permitting. And then at the end of it, people should pat me on the back and let me back into the workforce. Because my work is good enough."
That's not to say that Virginia didn't feel a social pressure looming over her. There was pressure - from some mothers in particular - that she should continue working, and if she didn't, she was inadequate.
So she decided to push back.
"I felt this pressure to not talk about it. The deeper into motherhood I got, I started to question the pressure," she said.
As Virginia said on No Filter, she has sometimes been met with the phrase: 'Oh nice for you to be able to stay home. Some of us have to work'. This assumption makes her uncomfortable, because it diminishes the personal, professional and financial sacrifices she has made in order to raise her children full-time. Overall, her household's income is low-to-average based on the Australian Tax Office's estimates.
"In the beginning I was self-conscious of increased Centrelink payments that we were available for. Then in the end I saw it as parenting payment - an extended parental leave, if you will."
As Virginia wrote for Mamamia this week: "I want to be able to choose to be a mother, and only that, and not feel the oppressive weight of expectation to have a career at the same time."
While Virginia now feels secure and confident in her decision to remain at home with her four kids, that doesn't mean the judgement has gone away. She just knows how better to respond to it.
"The labels have grated on me. We're all working mums - some of us are just paid and some of us aren't. That 'stay-at-home' mum label I don't relate to. It's not reflective of a caregiver role that a parent is providing. You're not just staying at home. There's more to it," she said.
"We should legitimise and formalise the position of 'parental caregiver'. We have so many wonderful role models of working mums. That's so positive. But we need a balance. And it's hard to get positive public role models of full-time parental caregivers because they don't have access to the platforms - and they're with their kids and busy. We lack that visibility."
Ultimately, Virginia has discovered that it wasn't her high-flying career that was the most intellectually challenging thing she has done in her life. Instead, it was having and raising four children.
"I think it has been the most intellectually challenging thing that I've done. There is a lot of work - but you don't see the reward straight away. The rewards build up to the milestones," Virginia said.
As she noted, any form of learning is challenging your intellect - how to answer a child's question, how to show affection, how to raise and look after an infant.
And all of these things take a hell of a lot of brainpower.
"It takes a lot of work. These are conversations we need to have. I want people to challenge these ideas - is it something they want to do [working outside the home]? Is it something they feel like they should do because everyone else is doing it, or do they feel like the only place they can get respect is in the workplace? We need to maybe look at meaning-making in our lives away from work."
You can listen to the full interview with Mia Freedman and Virginia Tapscott on No Filter here.
Feature Image: Supplied.
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