She was used and abused by her ex-husband, but Eden Strong has stopped hiding the bruises and is showing her face to the world.
Note: this post deals with intimate partner violence and rape and may be triggering for some readers.
By: Eden Strong for YourTango.com.
I looked in the mirror and pondered where to even start with this mess of a face. I’m what you call a professional “bruise cover-upper.” I can mix foundations and concealers with the best in the business and no one would even suspect my husband had smacked the shit out of me the day before. But in my year of healing, I threw all my make-up away, promising myself I would never allow there to be a reason I’d need it again. I stand by that decision but it wasn’t helping me this morning while I was recovering from surgery to fix my broken face and I needed to go to the grocery store.
I covered my bruises the best I could but eventually realised I didn’t look any better and decided to just hold my head high and not let it bother me. As I drove to the store, I looked in the rear view mirror and chuckled, thinking of the phrase “it’s like putting lipstick on a pig.” Nobody was going to look at me today and think, “Wow, that’s a cute girl; great eye shadow.” Their thoughts would probably fall more along the lines of, “OMG, that chick’s face is BROKEN.” Sigh.
Read more: “The hardest part wasn’t my brother’s abuse… it’s that it was covered up.”
I got to the grocery store and was unprepared for the feelings that came over me. I wasn’t even out of the parking lot before the first stranger noticed my battered face. I saw the look of shock in her eyes before she quickly averted her gaze. I literally felt my posture fall as my own gaze dropped to the ground, overcome with feelings of shame and embarrassment. As I did, another woman with two little kids walked by and I turned the other direction as to not scare them.
I made it into the store and quickly went about grabbing whatever I could as fast as I could. I stood in line and I swear my neck started burning from stranger’s gazes beating down on me. Whether it was because of my bruises or because I looked like I might fall through the floor, I don’t know. All I know was that all the memories I had of covering my bruises and masking my shame began to flood back from the darkest places in my soul and stood right in front of me. When I got to the front of the line the pharmacist, whom I have known for quite some time, gasped. She actually gasped.
“What on Earth happened to you?” she asked me.
The words came tumbling out of my mouth. “My ex-husband happened. That’s what happened.”
Ohmygosh who said that!?
OHMYGOSHTHATWASME.
I said that. I can’t believe I said that.
She didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to say. I made a little joke so she knew I wasn’t snapping at her but really, what can you do in that situation?
…..
I can personally attest that abuse happens. Women get punched in the face. They get stapled with staplers. They get fingers slammed in doors. They get burned with cigarettes. They get hit with broom handles. You know why most victims aren’t saved? Because they walk around so burdened by shame, staring at the floor in the grocery store, that nobody notices them.
When I was in the process of getting divorced, my lawyer nudged me to work out a visitation schedule with my ex. I kept telling him no, there was no way I was going to allow my ex-husband to spend any time with my kids. But my lawyer informed me that the judge wouldn’t look kindly on me if I marched into a court room and proclaimed I wasn’t going to let my ex see my kids because I’d look like a scorned wife.
This probably would have been a good time to tell my lawyer, “Listen, that guy beats the shit out of me. He raped me, he hit my infant son, and you’re more likely to be defending me in court after I’m detained in customs for trying to flee the country with my kids than you are to get my approval to let my ex spend alone time with them.” But did I say anything? No. Because I was so, so ashamed that I had let someone do those things to me.
Read more: Thousands of abused women answer the question, “Why don’t you just leave?”
So in my moment of insanity with my pharmacist, I’m glad I blurted out what I did. It probably wasn’t in the best interest of social etiquette but I don’t care. Social etiquette has made too many things “hush-hush” these days. Too many things are so traumatic, unbelievable, and uncomfortable that society sweeps them under the rug so that we don’t have to face the painful truth that they exist.
But by doing that, we’ve created a society filled with women who can’t look up.
The word “disaster” comes from the Greek words “dis” meaning “in the absence of,” and “aster” meaning “stars.” In the absence of stars. I refuse to hide my face in the shadows of a disastrous life. I’m not going to walk around with my head hung low anymore; I’m going to look up and see the stars.
This is not my shame to bear, and I, along with every other woman out there, deserve to see the stars because the stars were made for all of us.
Yes, my face looks like this because of my ex. Because of my ex, my parents and my past, I was broken woman, and now thankfully, I’m healing.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: My Ex-Husband Is What Happened To My Face (You Can Stop Staring)
For other YourTango.com articles, try these…
Top Comments
It is great Eden had the strength to stop covering up the abuse. When I was married I found the shame crippled my attempts to explain to people the violence and mental and emotional abuse I was being subjected to. It did not help that the few people I made comments to did not believe me. www.scarycatholics.tumblr.com
Sadly mothers who stay teach their children that the behaviour is normal. Hidden by many. Expected. This is why my mother stayed. And before why her mother stayed. Beaten. Abused. Left feeling unworthy.
If you are in this situation, think very hard whether you want your son or daughter to think this is normal. To think when they choose a partner that they should expect this behaviour. That this will be their children's norm.
Stand up. Break the cycle. Leave. You and your children and their children deserve it. It just takes one to say no. No more. You are worth more than you know. Your children will thank you. I promise.
And be killed? Most women are killed after they leave their abuser. Domestic abuse is not about violence, it's about control and abusers are very good at it. Experts in fact. Suggesting a woman just needs to 'stand up' shows a complete misunderstanding of abuse and the danger victims are in.
Why doesn't she just leave? To that I say, why doesn't he just stop?
Because he won't. He won't stop until you're dead anyway. We should be encouraging people to leave abusive partners and pressuring the government to have social services in place that will help the people fleeing.
I've been in an abusive relationship and the only thing that broke the cycle was me stepping foot outside the door. I'd rather fear for my life when I'm free than fear for my life when I'm a prisoner.
Blaming the victim. How typical. Asking 'why doesn't she leave' is offensive in the extreme and chooses to completely miss the point. If you've been a victim it would be nice to see more compassion towards those still trapped. I work at a shelter, of course I would rather victims are safe with us, but I am not naive enough to blame those who are trapped in the cycle of domestic abuse.
I'm not blaming them. But just because statistics tell us one thing, doesn't mean we should base the entire narrative on telling them stay put. I will always encourage my friends and family to leave abusive relationships because they're the only ones that can actually do it.
I'm not blaming the victim for their abuse and I'm not judging those who stay but I will never, ever tell a woman to stay in an abusive relationship because of statistics.