I’ve always had a lot of respect for Kelly Clarkson. She turned a reality show win into a brilliant career in music. She’s got a killer voice, obviously. She’s done a heap of great work for charity.
But I’ve just discovered that when it comes to spanking, she and I are on opposite ends of the parenting spectrum.
Clarkson, mum to three-year-old River and one-year-old Remington, told a US radio station last week that she doesn’t see anything wrong with smacking.
“I’m not above a spanking, which people aren’t necessarily into,” she explained in the interview, which went on to make headlines. “And I don’t mean like hitting her hard, I just mean a spanking.
“My parents spanked me, I did fine in life and I feel fine about it. But I do that as well, too.”
Clarkson grew up in Texas, to a church-going family she’s previously described as “highly religious”.
“I’m from the South, y’all, so we get spankings,” she told the radio station. “My mum would call the principal if I ever ended up in the principal’s office and give permission for her to spank me.
“I’m a well-rounded individual with a lot of character, so I think it’s fine.”
It’s an argument you hear from a lot of people: “I was spanked, I turned out fine, so spanking is fine.” And sure, Clarkson has turned out more than fine. But a lot of people you hear that argument from are not fine at all.
In the US, the majority of parents still think it’s okay to smack their kids. But research has proven, beyond doubt, that it’s really not okay. The effects of smacking include lower self-esteem, an increase in aggressive behaviour and damage to the parent-child relationship.
LISTEN: Mia Freedman on why it is never okay to smack children… Post continues after audio.
Just last month, a study found that kids who are smacked when they’re younger are more likely to be violent towards their partners when they grow up.
It may feel satisfying at the time to spank a naughty kid, but in the longterm, it’s not good for them.
There’s a reason why more than 50 countries around the world have banned smacking. It harms kids. It’s violence against someone who is smaller and weaker than you, someone who is totally dependent on you. It’s not okay.
As parents, we have a responsibility to do the best we can for our kids. That means looking at what our parents did and working out what was good and what wasn’t. We have knowledge our parents didn’t have, and we should make the most of it.
In 2014, US professional footballer Adrian Peterson disciplined his four-year-old son by beating him with a tree branch. At the time, his lawyer said it was the same way Peterson had been disciplined as a child growing up in Texas. He later faced criminal charges. Times change.
What was acceptable a generation ago isn’t acceptable now. I remember being hit with a ruler when I was at school, but I’d be horrified if a teacher did that to my kids now.
With more and more places around the world banning smacking – Wales looks to be next in line – it’s just a matter of time till violence towards kids becomes as socially unacceptable as violence towards women. Because it is violence, no matter how people try to minimise it by calling it “spanking” or “smacking” or “whooping”.
Clarkson opening up about spanking her kids might turn out to be a good thing, if it creates more discussion about discipline and makes more people think. It’s a discussion we need to keep having.
LISTEN: The best of This Glorious Mess, including how often your kids really need a bath to Susan Carland’s trick for getting the conversation flowing at the dinner table. These are the highlights of our podcast about family life.
Top Comments
I have a 1 yo and while I never made any kind of formal decision about it, I can't imagine spanking him. I can't see how it would solve any problems.
I probably feel triply that way as:
1/ I had a verbally/ emotionally unstable and abusive parent, and I know what it's like to really fear a parent's wrath.
2/ My baby was a premmie and had medical issues for a long time, so his existence, health and wellbeing are extra precious to us. I've seen his fear with certain procedures he's had to endure at hospital and at home, including some we've had to do ourselves. That look on his face about why his loving, affectionate mum and dad have switched to something that feels unpleasant, including holding his arms or head for 30-60 seconds to prevent wiggling. He's a bit afraid then - its necessary, but I hate being the cause of it.
Parents with Kelly's viewpoint won't stop spanking unless they have a clear alternative. She probably doesn't know what her options are, so she's doing what her own parents did. With her career, I can't imagine she's ever paused to research child discipline, or other parenting methods. If I were in her shoes, I'd book a few sessions with a child behaviouralist or an exceptional nanny, to train me up on my options.
Interesting that she thinks she turned out fine when she has suffered from depression, bulimia and disordered eating. Yet these are the very things that the studies warn against.
I was smacked (and occasionally more) as a child - was considered very normal in my parents culture. I have absolutely no doubt that it contributed to disordered eating, low self-esteem and feelings of never being good enough, no matter what I achieved. It took a long time and a lot of work to be able to manage this, and I know it's held me back from a number of things in the past.
For this reason, I never have and never will raise a finger to my children. I truly have never felt the urge, it seems completely unnatural to me. There are other ways to teach a child the right behaviours. And if they develop depression or low self-esteem, it definitely won't be from anything to do with my parenting style.