by DAVID TANG
How is it that in this day and age of post feminism, so many women are still reluctant to be the ones to ask a guy out? For years women have fought for the right to vote, equal pay and the chance to compete in the Ultimate Fighting Championships, but ancient attitudes like this seek to undo much of that progress.
I’ve heard all the excuses, “I want a guy who’s confident”, “if he REALLY likes me then he’ll ask ME out”, “I don’t want to seem desperate”. Hearing things like this makes me want to stab myself. In the thigh. With a spoon.
Come on, really? Let’s do a little myth busting, shall we?
“I want a guy who’s confident.”
Oh yeah? Well I want a unicorn that shoots rainbows out of its arse. But here in the real world we don’t always get what we want. For one second, picture this guy at the party: he looks like George Clooney, is really fun to talk to, is a European prince, has a giant shlong but it just so happens that he’s also a little shy.
This guy who you’ve spent your whole life searching for is right in front of you but you’re not going to ask him out.
Because you like guys who are confident.
Well, I hope you also like cats…
“If he REALLY likes me then he’ll ask me out.”
That’s like saying, ‘if I work late every night, my boss is bound to notice… right?’
Uhh… no. Dates are like promotions, you’re not (usually) going to get one unless you ask.
Also, what’s the worst that could happen? You’re wasting your time batting your eyelashes and flipping your hair at that guy on the train. Men are hopeless at taking hints, you’re better off clubbing him on the head and dragging him back to the cave.
“I don’t want to seem desperate.”
It’s actually quite the opposite. Men LOVE IT when a woman asks them out. We know how hard it is; the nerves, the fear of rejection… that’s why we’re so appreciative when a woman makes the first move.
It’s awesome that you’re an “Independent Women”, but even Beyonce had to ask guys out every once in a while. Ok maybe not Beyonce, but let’s be honest – we can’t all be Beyonce, can we?
Now get out there you crazy broads!
Every Monday, David Tang dispenses nuggets of wisdom on the humorous dating blog Manipudating. Find him on Facebook here.
Have you ever asked a guy out? If not, what was stopping you?
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Top Comments
I am quite astonished at the double standards reflected in some of these comments, and a little disturbed at some of the possible implications of these attitudes.
"I don't want to be rejected". Really? You're really using that as an excuse? Does that mean you have never rejected anyone that has approached you before? Do you have any idea of how often the average man will be rejected when he puts himself out there and asks someone out? You don't want to suffer the unpleasantness of rejection, but do you somehow think that he does? Those of you that say you tried it and will never do it again because you were rejected, or it didn't end well, are ignoring the fact that that is exactly what a guy is facing every single time he asks someone out.
I think there is less a fear of rejection going on here as there is a desire, no, a demand, for validation. Even if you can't admit it to yourself, almost every guy that asks you out, whether you reject him or not, gives you a little boost to your self-esteem. He thinks you're pretty. He thinks you're funny. He thinks you're sexy. He thinks you're intelligent. He thinks you're elegant. He thinks you have a great bum or boobs. He thinks you're "the one". For some indeterminable reason, he thinks you're worthwhile. Unless he is some snaggle-toothed ogre with body odour, the mere fact that he asked you out is flattering, even if it's only in a small way. You are in a win/win situation here because even if you refuse a date you still get that validation and accompanying boost to your self-esteem.
On the other hand, he may be playing the numbers game and hoping that you won't be the tenth rejection this year, this month, this week, or tonight. Now, before you say that a guy that's playing the numbers is a "player", consider that while that may be the case, it is also just as likely that he is not after any old wombat that eats, roots and leaves but is looking for someone that will give him some validation, maybe for the rest of his life. He might be looking for someone that thinks he is handsome. He might be looking for someone that thinks he is funny. He might be looking for someone that thinks he is sexy. He might be looking for someone that thinks he is intelligent. He might be looking for someone that thinks he is stylish. He might be looking for someone that admires his bum or pec's. He might be looking for "the one". For whatever reason, he is looking for someone that thinks he is worthwhile. Just like you are. Unlike you, however, he is in a win/lose situation because he either gets a date or gets... wait for it... REJECTED. And just like you, even if he can't admit it to himself, this has a negative effect on his confidence and self-esteem.
Isn't feminism supposed to be about equality? You risk nothing while he takes all the risks, that's not equal. You're just reinforcing gender stereotypes that men are the hunters and women are the prey. Do you like being preyed upon by predators? Hey, if you do like that, then that's fine because, as another poster here said: "different strokes for different folks". But you do you realise that, in some cases, you are CREATING those predators, right?
Take internet dating, for example. I have been using internet dating sites for a while now and I have noticed a trend in many women's profiles. It appears increasingly common for women to add comments along the lines of "I get a lot of emails so if I'm not interested I won't reply. Please put more effort into your emails, I can smell copy pasta from miles away. If I don't reply to you, don't keep sending me emails and/or call me a bitch." On the one hand that is fair enough, especially when one considers the volume of contacts women tend to get. On the other hand, is it any wonder that some (or, apparently, many) men send copy/paste emails to every woman in their state when most of them go unread and even when they are read they are ignored without even a profile view? If you are a member of a dating site, ask yourself this question the next time someone calls you a bitch for ignoring them - "how many times have his emails gone unread and how many times has he been ignored by women that didn't even bother to look at his profile before he finally snapped and made me the target of his frustration?" I am by no means trying to justify this behaviour (in fact, I have received more than one abusive email from women for daring to contact them without meeting an unspecified requirement, so the abuse goes in both directions), I am merely trying to make the point that when women don't make the effort and leave it all up to the men, it's the men who suffer the repeated humiliation of rejection, and that rejection adds up until it creates the very thing women hate most in men. Why should they show you respect when you show them none?
Every single time a guy is rejected he is put into the position where he has to ask someone else out, but practice makes perfect, right? Maybe. Or maybe this leads to a guy getting into a relationship with a girl for no other reason than that she said "yes" when all the rest said "no". And this goes for relationships that last a single night as well as those that last a lifetime. How many of those "players" are really "players" and how many of them are "practicing" so that when they approach "the one" they will not be rejected? That confidence that so many of you seem to be after? It doesn't come from rejection. I wonder, just how many men get married out of a fear of rejection, from a lack of confidence in themselves and a feeling that if they don't marry this one they will never get married? How many affairs or divorces are the end result of settling for the first person to say "yes" after dozens of people that said "no"? How many women said "no" to that guy down the street before he gave up in favour of four-legged company? Ultimately, who is the biggest loser? The man that is too shy to ask the woman of his dreams out on a date? Or the woman that marries the man who is settling for her?
And, please, nowhere here do I mean "you", in the personal sense. I mean that, in the societal sense, women who refuse to ask men out on dates are helping to create the kinds of men that they usually (and rightfully) claim to hate - mysogynists, man-whores, and rootrats that slink away before sunrise never to call again and leave you with a foetid, or foetal, souvenir. In a very real sense, you are helping to maintain the "patriarchy" that feminism supposedly wants to do away with. Even if you don't identify yourself with "the F-word", and I know many women don't, don't you think life would be better for everyone if there was more equality in dating?
If I didn't ask guys out I'd never get a date!