“You’re crazy”, he shouted at me. “You’re freaking out and nobody knows what you’re talking about”.
My stomach lurched and my heart dropped. Pain welled in my throat and the tears that now flowed like an uncontrollable fire hydrant now washed down my face. My voice was so choked I couldn’t even muster a response.
This is how the conversation went the first time my loved one witnessed one of my meltdowns – an all out, uninhibited anxiety attack.
Ask anyone who suffers from anxiety and I think they will agree, those two words - "you're crazy" - hurt more than anyone could understand.
Because what we already feel in the midst of an anxiety attack is a loss of control of our emotions, our thoughts, our being. Every word that wants to come out cyclones into a monstrous torrent of incoherent thoughts. Only a few words ring clear through that garbled mess, and they are not pretty" Dramatic, stupid, monster, b****.
At least those are the only words I can make out when an attack comes on me. Because those are the words I have been called. Now we add crazy to that list, and boy, do I want to show you what crazy really looks like.
It is not an understatement for me to say that in those moments when my mind shuts down and my emotions break loose that I genuinely feel like I'd rather die than for the person on the receiving end of this meltdown to see me like this.
If it is scary for me, I can only imagine what someone watching it must think.
"God, she's a mess", you might would say. Or would you? The other element to my panic is imagining situations that aren't real. I mean, that is usually what causes the outburst in the first place, am I right fellow anxious friends?
For me it is an imagined situation where I have disappointed someone again, and I am getting ready to receive an onslaught of hateful speech from a loved one for how insignificant I am how and how I just can't get anything right. They don't love me anymore so what the heck, just leave already.
But, the thing is, this usually is not the case at all. Ironic, isn't it? That what I fear someone else will do is what I end up doing, and by doing so, I elicit the feared response from that other someone? Right. Not crazy?
Perhaps that is what you are thinking while reading this lovely story of mine. But I am not crazy. Neither is that person is your life who suffers from anxiety.
LISTEN: Mia Freedman explains why anxiety and routine are best friends. (Post continues...)
Because the truth is, we did not ask to feel this way. I did not wake up asking the universe to flip on its axis and catapult an ocean of emotions down my throat. I too am trying to figure out how to understand what is happening. While you are watching this go down I am trying to think, "How did I get here? Why do I feel this way? Where did that come from?"
I don't know about anyone else suffering, but my anxiety attacks usually happen at the end of a good day for me. I could be successful in all I have attempted that day, gotten compliments from friends or strangers, but by the time I have come home to the one I love, I break.
So what do you say to your loved one when they scream "I can't take this anymore?!" The thoughts, the voices, the words, the sharp knives on my skin...A hug.
The best thing you can do is hold them in a tight embrace and say "Everything is going to be okay. I am here for you. We will get through this."
Because really, the reason why all of this is happening is because your loved one is feeling immense pressure to measure up. Whether it be your standards or ones they have placed upon themselves (usually the latter), all they need to hear from you is that they do measure up, there is nothing to worry about, and things are going to be just fine.
If I have scared you with this post I apologise. But chances are you have someone in your life who struggles with anxiety, perfectionism, depression, or any type of self loathing temperament that makes them feel less than worthy.
Remind them that they are worthy, they are loved. Because for people like me, all it takes is an understanding word and genuine concern to ease fear. Unfortunately my loved one has learned this the hard way. But now when I start to freak out about my responsibilities or unforeseen plans or whatever else is stressing me, he smiles and says "it's all going to be okay. We're in this together".
There are still things I have to deal with inside of me, but knowing he is standing beside me makes that job a little less painful.
If you or a loved one suffers from anxiety, Mamamia urges you to contact Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.
This post originally appeared on Sarah's blog, Worth More Than Sparrows, and has been republished with full permission.
Top Comments
I live with my partner who has severe anxiety, and I want a hug too dammit.
The amount of opportunities I've lost, friendships tainted, and time wasted because I am sensitive to his needs can't be given back to me. And it's a slap in the face when post-meltdown, he can't acknowledge that his behaviour is because of anxiety even when it's obvious to blind Freddy. It's always someone else's fault, sometimes mine.
I too have a chronic health condition, and instead of being supported by him when it flares up, he panics that it's going to kill me (it won't, ever).
So give me a hug too, please.
@Needahug please remember this article is written only from the perspective of a person with anxiety. The presence of one persons needs doesn't negate your need for affection/acknowledgement. There are always two sides and the person with anxiety isn't purposefully taking you away from the important things to you. I would argue that if you loved the person you would have to love them despite their problems, not in spite of them. That will never work. My boyfriend and I both struggle for example, but we realize we both cannot be strong all the time. But we also cannot both be helpless all the time. There is balance that needs to take place in relationships, especially ones where both people struggle
With illness. Again, writing this from one perspective is not negating your need. I cannot write from your side because I am not there. We write by experience. Therefore, I encourage you to write for those who have to endure the other side. Neither one of us has it easy. But all we can do is work to understand each other and work towards a balance.
I suffer from severe anxiety, had to attend therapy and take daily medication just to be able to function. I would say on a normal day my anxiety level would be at a 3-4 all day long. If I saw the person who triggered my anxiety or his name was mentioned I would have a full on panic attack - once having 5 in one day. I had nightmares and my GP thought I may have PTSD. It has taken me two years to be able to talk to that person again (it wasn't his fault he is autistic and also an alcoholic so he didn't realise he was scaring me with his behaviour). The whole time my entire family took his side because it's not his fault and he shouldn't be excluded but when I chose not to go to an event because he would be there I was labelled selfish and making them choose between us. The only person who understood was my brother (a psychiatrist). Every time I was told to just get over it and stop being so selfish. I struggled to even function on a daily basis and if it wasn't for my amazing colleagues suggesting I get help I doubt I would ever have been able to get my anxiety under reasonable control. The response I got from my family was horrible, I even tried to explain it as having a fear of spiders and then imagine feeling like that all day every day. No one understood anxiety or panic attacks they were unsympathetic and lacked even basic empathy. Like it was my choice to be terrified of my own brother who unfortunately due to his autism is unable to fully understand.
So for those out there suffering with anxiety know that you are not alone, just take deep breaths, remove yourself from the situation and seek help because without getting help I would not be able to function.