Image via iStock.
What I remember most about the beginning of my relationship with James Montgomery, my con-man ex-husband, was how he pursued me.
He’d posted an ad in the America Online romance section — this was back when AOL ruled the Internet. He sounded much more intriguing than most men — former Green Beret, a background in TV and movies, now negotiating with local movers and shakers for his next big business venture. The reason for the ad? His wife had died, and his “grieving was complete.”
Reading Montgomery’s claims now, one could wonder why anyone — specifically me — would believe them.
But this was before we all knew that online profiles are full of lies. It was before I knew that sociopaths did not necessarily look like Charles Manson, with long scraggly hair and a swastika etched into his forehead. And it was before I knew that someone who proclaimed he was so head-over-heels in love with me could be lying.
When I met Montgomery, I was 40 years old, never married. Although much of my time and energy was siphoned off by my marketing business, I’d dated a lot of men. I’d never experienced anything like the attention this particular man lavished on me.
"Montgomery proposed to me just one week after we met."
He called many times a day. He e-mailed poetry — some classics, some that he wrote. He sent faxes with mushy sentiments, complete with clip art of hearts and cupids. He proposed marriage within a week of meeting in me person.
Why wasn't this a huge red flag? Since childhood, I'd heard about love at first sight. In fact, I knew people who had fallen in love right away and were still married. I'd been waiting for my chance at true romance for years. I thought my time had come.
Montgomery frequently told me how much he respected my talent, and how I would be such an asset to his business plans.
We were a formidable team, he said, and he wanted me to benefit from the success that his ventures were sure to become. So, not long after he proposed, he also recommended that I invest in the business — he wanted to make sure that I personally profited from our efforts. An investment of $5,000 would buy me a few percentage points of ownership.
That was the beginning of the money drain.
Montgomery never asked for money for himself. All requests were presented as investments in our future, needed to secure some part of a business deal. Every time he asked for money, it was because a crisis had to be resolved immediately. (Post continues after video.)
What I didn't know was that he created the crises so I wouldn't have time to think about his request. And I also didn't know, until after I left my husband, that much of my money was spent entertaining other women.
A year and a half after we married, I knew Montgomery was cheating on me.
But by that time, my husband had drained my savings and maxed out my credit cards. I was in desperate financial straits, and one of his business ventures, a Titanic exhibition, looked like it was actually going to work. I decided to ignore his infidelity until I got my money back.
Unfortunately, the Titanic sank again. Then I learned that Montgomery was not only cheating on me, but had a child with another woman during our marriage.
Then I found out that there were multiple other women, and Montgomery took money from all of them. Then I found out that Montgomery married the mother of the child 10 days after I left him, which was the second time he committed bigamy. (Post continues after gallery.)
Celebrities talking about their break ups.
Jennifer Aniston.It was possibly one of the most talked about Hollywood break ups - Jen and Brad. In an interview with Vanity Fair Jen shared her experience, "There are many stages of grief. It's sad, something coming to an end. It cracks you open, in a waycracks you open to feeling. When you try to avoid the pain, it creates greater pain. I'm a human being, having a human experience in front of the world. I wish it weren't in front of the world. I try really hard to rise above it." Image via WikiCommons. Rita Ora.Rita discussed her break up with Calvin Harris in Marie Claire, "It was more of a thing where I was in awe. I was at that point in my relationship where I felt he could do no wrong. I thought he had my back and that he'd never steer me wrong. But then 'I Will Never Let You Down' came out, and everything started to go a bit weird. I don't know if it was because business was mixed with personal or what." Image via Instagram (@ritaora). Demi Moore.Demi Moore discussed her breakup with Ashton Kutcher with Harpers Bazar - "I used to think that what scared me was the idea of being abandoned until someone said to me, 'Only children can be abandoned. Adults can't be abandoned because we have a choice. Children don't have a choice.' So I started to rethink. 'OK, it's not that. What's the underlying thread that really scares me?' I think what scares me is not having the courage to reach my full potential." Image via Twitter (@justdemi). Kim Kardashian.On her website, KimKardashian.com Kim shared her breakup with Kris Humphries, "I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn't know how to and didn't want to disappoint a lot of people." Image via Instagram. J-Lo."It felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest."- Jennifer Lopez on Ben Affleck, in her memoir True Love. Image via Instagram. Reese Witherspoon"[Divorce is] very humiliating and very isolating... But, by the way, if it's not painful, maybe it wasn't the right decision to marry to begin with." - Elle Magazine. Image via WikiCommons. Cameron Diaz."When I was going through a bit of a heartbreak a little while ago, I said to a friend, 'Wow, this really hurts!' And he said to me, 'That just shows you what your capacity for loving is.' I would rather have my heart broken a thousand times than never to love at all. I have so much love to give I'm not empty of love, I'm full of love." - Cameron discussing her break up with Alex Rodriguez in InStyle. Image via Instagram. Katy Perry.During an interview on The Project Katy discussed her break up with Russell Brand - "Sometimes you can be blinded by your extreme emotions. I definitely was looking for answers during that time I wrote that song ["The Grace of God"]. And yeah, I was depressed, and it was sad, and there were thoughts, but there were never actions, thankfully." Image via Instagram. Taylor Swift."There's just been this earth-shattering, not recent, but absolute crash-and-burn heartbreak, and that will turn out to be what the next album is about. The only way that I can feel better about myself pull myself out of that awful pain of losing someone is writing songs about it to get some sort of clarity."- Taylor Swift, Vogue. Image via Instagram. Emma Stone."I was crawling on the floor. I remember throwing up. I remember being on the floor... I have never felt anything quite like that. It was so visceral. It's like someone has killed you and you have to live through it and watch it happen. It was awful."- Emma Stone on her first heartbreak, Interview. Image via WikiCommons.
My head was spinning. "What kind of person does this?" I asked my therapist.
"It sounds like he might be a sociopath," she said.
A sociopath? Isn't a sociopath a serial killer?
Not necessarily. I learned that most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, social predators, and live their lives by exploiting others. Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse.
Experts estimate that one percent to four percent of the population are sociopaths. That means there are three million to 12 million sociopaths in the U.S. alone. Most of them are not in jail. They live among us, targeting vulnerable people — especially people who are looking for love.
James Montgomery took $227,000 from me.
I never recovered my money and had to declare bankruptcy, while Montgomery moved on to the next woman, or, more precisely, the next several women. But I'm OK now — I've recovered, remarried, and I exposed Montgomery for the fraud that he is.
And I have a new mission in life — educating the world about sociopaths.
Have you ever been conned by someone you trusted?
Donna Andersen is the author of Love Fraud: How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. Learn more at LoveFraud.com. This article originally appeared on Your Tango. Read more:
Was Your Ex Actually Insane? How To Spot A Sociopath Or Narcissist
10 Ways To Spot A Narcissist On A First Date
6 Ways To Love Someone Dealing With BPD Even Harder Than Before