Cast your mind back to life before kids.
Did you ever roll your eyes when your boss left at 5pm to pick up her kids and you knew you’d be working til 7pm?
Had you ever done an hour’s work already by the time The Mums arrived at the office?
Did you ever feel like your time – to exercise, to be with friends, to make a decent dinner for your partner – was not seen as as important as your co-worker’s, who just HAD to leave the office at 2.15pm for kindy pick-up?
If you ever felt like that, I have two little words for you: me too.
I was that person. I worked long, long hours for many years, and I viewed The Working Mums as part-timers who weren’t serious about their careers. I had Working Mum bosses who left the office way before me, and Working Mum colleagues who arrived way after.
Sometimes I felt resentful. But mostly, I just thought they were lightweights. Let them pootle about in their non-committed way, distracted by grocery lists and calls from day care and taking their kids to doctor’s appointments. Let them do that, I thought. The grown-ups will stay here and work, and get the job done.
What a narrow-minded little fool I was.
Because life happened. And now I have children. Two hilarious, squeezable children who only really want one thing from me. My time. Maybe one other: my attention.
Co-incidentally, I have a job which demands exactly the same things of me; time and attention. But my job also requires a few others, like punctuality. Reasonable thought. Ideas. Some words.
I like to think I still have those things to offer. But then I read this story in the UK’s Telegraph newspaper by Working Mother Antonia Hoyle that made me think I should probably pack up my lunchbox and go on home.
We can’t expect to compete with women who don’t have children, or to perform as well as we did pre-motherhood. It is disingenuous and self-defeating to try. Accepting our limitations is the only way we will keep our careers, our families and our sanity intact.
Antonia (who wrote an excellent story, despite being, you know, a mother) makes a very compelling, and not unfamiliar case for the fact that once we reproduce, we will never be the 100-per-cent committed fembot employees we were before, what with our laser-like focus and our happy desire to work around the clock. If you know any of those.
My first reaction to those words about work were angry. I am still good at my job. I am just as committed, just as focussed, just as competitive, my time management is better, I’m more understanding… and then I stopped, and considered why I was really upset by those words in this story – a story in a newspaper on the other side of the world.
It’s because they are true.
One of the most challenging things about parenthood is learning to accept change. Accepting the fact once the baby cyclone dust settles, nothing looks like it did before. Not your body, not your relationship, not your friendships. Or your work.
If you loved your job before you had children, you will still love it afterwards, but your relationship to it will have changed. It’s not the only measure of your worth to the outside world any more. It’s not the definition of who you are. And with that, like it or not, comes a deep seismic shift in priorities.
I, like many other mums I know, spend a lot of time trying to convince myself and others that I’m handling everything. I can do 15 things at once! I can do my job, and raise my kids, and keep a house in (somewhat) order! I’m not really losing it! My kids are not really cranky and overtired! My partner isn’t really feeling put-upon and exhausted!
But some days, I’m not handling everything. All of those things are true, and I keep juggling, keep trying to convince myself that all the balls will stay in the air, even as they are hurtling at light-speed towards my head.
So, Antonia was right that you’ll never be the same at work after you have kids. But what she was wrong about was that it’s a competition. Of course you can’t compete with your childless colleagues for hours spent in front of the boss. Because once the stakes are so high that other people’s happiness depend on it, you don’t want to compete in that game. The people whose happiness is at stake are a part of you, they have handprints on your heart – and they’re going to win. Game over.
So it’s not a competition with those old yous, sitting at their desks rolling their eyes at your 5pm Walk Of Shame.
It’s not a competition with your child-free colleagues, who have their own struggles with balancing their personal life with work.
It’s not a competition with the other mothers in your workplace, who may have completely different circumstance to you, – more help, less help, older kids, younger kids, more family support, or less.
And it’s not a competition with yourself. You can’t out-work the old you. Because the old you has gone.
You have changed.
Do you think you are just as good at your job after becoming a mum?
Top Comments
Im a full time working mum of two... I believe that I'm very efficient but can hardly cope! I often get comments from friends like "you are amazing" or " I don't know how you do it". But the truth is that from the minute I get up in the morning until around 10pm (most nights) I'm running around like a crazy person trying to catch minutes in the day... I stumbled upon this article because I typed into google "I'm an exhausted working mum" (Ironic- yes! I was supposed to start on a report that is due by the end of the week between putting the kids in the bath and brushing teeth...) I used to judge those working mums who seemed to use their kids as an excuse to slack off, leave early and so on... I also judged mums who worked at all, as they clearly didn't put their children first (This was while I was staying at home raising babies...off course) After a few years of having a very clean house, laundry always done and dinner prepared on time (gosh I even made playdough every week and painted with my kids each day) I realised all I wanted was to find 'me' again! So I chose to return to work. I LOVE my job, I LOVE that at work I am me but this article is spot on because above everything in my life now I LOVE my kids and I LOVE my husband... they come first every time! So yes- the old me is gone, the new working me is doing a good job of juggling everything (even though she will never be quite as on top of work things as the old me) and most importantly we are still wearing clean clothes (although it is collected each morning from a huge pile of unfolded washing on the spare bed instead of cupboard drawers) and we have dinner each night (even if it is eggs on toast now and again) but at the end of the day you just can't really have it all! And at the end of the day you shouldn't be so hard on yourself either... I've learnt :)
All women and mums are amazing... and dads too because we try our hardest to do it all and do it all well!
if we continue to have these discussions like its a women-only issue, it will continue to be a women's issue. WTF do we talk about 'working mums'?? I work fulltime (well, 5 days in 4 to be precise), as does my husband, and no-one ever refers to him as a 'working dad' or congratulates him on balancing his life or being a 'superdad', which happens to me almost weekly. Like people are gobsmacked I can manage working in a pretty full on environment AND have three children. I'm lucky - i get paid well, have a reasonable amount of flexibility and an au pair. bless school holidays when i'm reclining with an unusual bit of internet surfing!
and for all those suggesting its just a matter of efficiency if you cant leave before 5?!!! Ha! I dont think you work in professional services. Bar admin staff, there are very few people out of our office before 6.30pm, lots at 7pm, plenty at 9pm and regularly people all night. Fact of a corporate, client facing, high stakes environment. I'm not saying its a good thing - but its certainly not an efficiency thing.