I got engaged last November. Thanks. I know – should be exciting times right? People always say planning a wedding can be difficult. That it’s hard to put up with everyone’s opinions. I thought that meant opinions on whether there should be butter cream or fondant icing on the cake, not opinions on the very personal decisions my fiancé and I make.
Last weekend at a BBQ the inevitable conversation about our upcoming nuptials came up. When someone asked what my fiancé’s surname was and continued to match it to my name, I politely informed them I would not be changing it. I was not prepared for the reaction! One man said, and I quote ‘what the hell’s the point of getting married then?’ An older couple under their breath in a mix of disgust, confusion and a little terror asked ‘What will you name the children?’ I understood that people had these opinions, but choked a little on my sausage sandwich after they voiced them … to my face!
The truth is I’ve never given changing my name one thought. I will always remain the name I was born with; that’s who I am. My mum didn’t change her name and now I wish she kind of did so people can’t just pin my decision on following my mum’s behaviour. I have some pretty strong thoughts on the topic and am surprised by the number of strong, independent women who still do change their names. Don’t they understand what it’s all about? I don’t really fancy being ‘owned’ by my husband and to tell you the truth he probably wouldn’t want to own me anyway. My thoughts are my thoughts though and I wouldn’t voice them to any newly engaged couple criticising their personal decisions.
Is the point of getting married about having the same last name? Because I was under the impression it was about that thing called love and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone. To answer your question, yes, if we decide to have kids they will take the surname of my husband, mainly because of the patriarchal society we live in and my fiancée’s very traditional Italian family (who I’m sure share the same opinions as the people at the BBQ, but are too polite to voice them). I really don’t understand what the big deal is about, my mum has a different last name to me but I’ve never once been confused about if she’s my mum or not!
Yes, we live in a democracy and you’re free to voice your opinions, but don’t do it in a hurtful way, especially if you have no concrete reason to back it up with. It just makes you look stupid and archaic. I’m getting married because I’m in love. That’s the only reason; I thought it was good enough. If I’m wrong though, someone please let me know so I can get my deposit back on the venue and stop worrying about butter cream or fondant icing for the cake.
Hardly anyone hyphenates anymore but for a while there, it was kind of popular. There are some names, however, that should NEVER be joined. Check out this gallery of wedding and engagement announcements that might not have worked out so well.
Gallery originally from The Huffington Post here.
What are your thoughts on a bride changing her name after marriage?
Rebecca is the Marketing Coordinator for Business Chicks, Australia’s largest networking community for women in business. Follow Rebecca on twitter here.
Top Comments
I changed, but I was so conflicted. The problem was that my maiden name was long and foreign and really hard to spell and pronounce. I was so tired of having to spell it a couple of times. My husband's name, you say it, people write it down. That makes life so much easier. Now that my mother is old, I'm back to spelling that same name to call centres and over counters. It's no fun. Her newspapers got into a huge mess when I cancelled them, and they got the spelling wrong, and opened another account, and sent two bills to her old address and finally I had to talk my way out of two long overdue bills. That sort of thing happened all the time. So it was pragmatic, and if I had had a name that was easier to navigate I would have kept it, but all my life I dreamed of getting married to get rid of the horrible name. It wasn't really an abandonment of culture, the name had been used by Australians for 3 generations.
I struggled with the questioning of my decision not to change my name before the big day. Like the writer I received really horrible questions as if I didn't love my husband to be or care about the well being of my apparent future children.
Now that we are married, it seems everyone has ignored my decision and made it for me. I don't mind being socially known as Mrs.... but I do object to being called Mrs Husbands Full Name, something that has come up on the Christmas cards that have arrived.
On possible children, I don't have an answer, but does it matter? Here are two options I have heard others do...
If it's a girl, her name, a boy, his name or
Give it a completely different surname, the one I heard was a grandmothers maiden name so it still had family relevance.
I have no issue with anyone changing their name, for whatever their reasons are but I just ask that others respect the fact that I have kept mine for my reasons.