Time to share some wisdom with someone who needs it.
She writes….
My name is Jess, I’m 18 and I am currently completing my first year of university. I was hoping that you and you’re readers may be able to help me. I don’t mean to sound like a typical teen complaining about her parents, It’s just that I feel they do not respect me when it comes to my views and beliefs.
So, basically, I believe in gay rights, same-sex marriage and am totally against racism. My parents are sexist, homophobic and racist. I’ve given up trying to change their minds when it comes to these issues, despite years and years of trying and countless arguments. I can’t even DISCUSS my views with them because when my dad doesn’t like what he hears, he yells over the top of me, telling me to shut up. (Yep, I know what you’re thinking. Real mature huh?)
All I want from them is not to laugh and sneer at me and tease me about what I believe and to stop with the racial and discriminatory slurs when watching TV and in public. An example of this would be seeing Robbie and Dan on ‘Australia’s perfect couple’. My dad was quick to show his disgust, saying “What’s wrong with these people?” and promptly changing the channel. Sure, disagree. But don’t tell me that “I’m fucked in the head” and that “there must be something wrong with me” just because you don’t think the same as me. My dad told me that he can’t respect my opinions if they are “stupid and trivial”, yet he expects me to sit there and just accept that he and my mum call our Muslim neighbours “ninja’s”, “scarf-heads” and “nappy-heads”. It’s not right. They disgust me.
My dad recently told me that when he sees me veering off onto the wrong path (my views), he can’t help but want to put me on the right one (his views). But how does he know which path IS the right one?
So…What should I do? Do I have a reasonable request here, or am I being ridiculous in asking my parents to respect my opinions.
Top Comments
Dear Jess (and Ashley)
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to give you an opinion - I've only just read your story. It brought back so many experiences from my own family...everything you said could have been my parents; the racism, sexism and homophobic views mixed in with a generous amount of emotional blackmail, shame and guilt.
I'm sure you're sorting your problem out very well - you seem to be far more articulate than what I ever was at 18 (or 28, or 38, even), but I have learnt a few things along the way:
1. Your parents wont change. I know it sounds obvious, but this is the basis of you all moving-on. So, don't build up any hope that they will change and you wont be disappointed.
2. You love your parents (again, obvious) and you want to continue having them in your life; otherwise you would not have written in for advice. I think your parents (as mine did) are confusing love with protection; protection from the things they don't know about and are too frightened to think about.
3. One of the best things about being an adult is that you get to take responsibility for your actions (for better or worse!). So, if they want a relationship whereby they dominate all opinions, then THEY need to take responsibility for that. The end result will, probably, be a rather fragmented relationship. However, if they chose to have an adult relationship (and you ARE an adult) with you, they can also take pride in knowing that you will always WANT their opinion, look for it, look forward to spending time with them.
Hope this helps a little - I know how hard it can be; but, ultimately, we all need to take responsibility for our relationships.
I know how you feel it's the same way with my parents. They are constantly telling me how wrong i am for being bi, and that it's wrong for two people to be in love if they're same sex, not to mention they freak if i am with a black person.... and not to mention i told them i dont believe in god anymore.. you can just guess how that worked out? Well let's put it this way they are strong conservative christian, (hippocrites from what I view) and they think that in my world sex doesn't even exist until I am married to a christian guy... where I have no will whatsoever of my own... like i do with them. It sucks i can't even be myself because of this. Be lucky though you can get out.. your in college, im 17 and in highschool still... count your blessings and it's hard because I know mine will never see things my way. In my opinion our generation has made a complete gap between parents and teens now. Alot of parents have actually been acting selfish, and they push so hard on us that we end up breaking , or never even talking to them again after we leave the house. Which is sadly what im planning. I am seeing a therapist because I have been having headaches about 4 times a day because of this. and well... I've already agreed to myself once I leave and Im out im never looking back... you might just have to do that or ignore their comments and never explain ur views again because i know it will never work on my parents.