A definitive list of all the ways dogs are better than humans.

Excuse me, but there are precisely one million reasons why dogs are better than humans — and we need to talk about all of them.

I know what you’re thinking: Are you sure there is enough space on the Internet to write a ‘definitive list’ or ALL the ways dogs are better than humans? To which I respond: Good point. There probably isn’t.

But that won’t stop me from doing my best.

• They don’t pretend to like people. If they don’t like someone they are very sure to let them know in the most direct way possible, i.e. growling.

• They never talk about Pokemon Go.

• They’ve seen you naked hundreds of times and you’re fairly certain they don’t really have any strong thoughts/opinions about it.

• Sometimes they cry when you leave the house which, personally, I’ve never had a human being do.

• You don’t feel any anxiety to entertain them in your house as they are perpetually content. Also, they never overstay their welcome. Because they are always welcome. 

• No dog has ever checked Instagram midway through a conversation. Not once.

• You can make them hug you, which is frowned upon in human relationships.

• They never talk about Crossfit.

• They don't get really drunk in the club and then pour their drink all over you, whilst simultaneously knocking a drink out of your hand that just cost you $14. They never do that.

• Your relationship is super chilled. Like, you could hang out and watch movies on Friday night. Or you could not. Whatever.

• They are really cool, but they don't know it, which makes them even cooler.

• A dog will never walk slowly in front of you on the footpath. Or step on the back of your thong while you're walking.

• If you have plans to hang out with your dog on a Saturday night, you can trust they won't bail. They will never 'dog' you. Seriously, who came up with that term? Dogs have literally never 'dogged' anyone. The word should be 'human'. "She 'humaned' that party on Saturday night."

• They never humble-brag. They would never post a status saying "YAY - killing it at the moment! About to marry the love of my life, have the job of my dreams and now I'm the proud owner of a house. #Soblessed." That is such an un-dog thing to do.

• A dog would never cut you off in traffic.

• On the subject of Facebook, no dog-I-used-to-go-to-school-with has posted a super racist status at 11pm on a Friday night, taking aim at people who weren't "born here". Dogs couldn't give less of a shit.
• They never shame you for eating too many snacks. (Post continues after gallery.)

Celebrities and their dogs

• Their instincts are always correct. If dogs don't like someone, that is unequivocally because that person sucks.

• They are straight-up funnier. Have you seen a dog fall off a lounge? Goddamn, that's hilarious.

• They would never click on an article about Kim Kardashian. They would straight up consider that a waste of time.

• They never abbreviate the word 'your' to 'ur'.

• They never use big words to try and sound smarter than they actually are.

• They can tell when you're upset, and instead of trying to be reasonable or helpful they just sit in silence next to you, and sometimes put their head in your lap. Also, they don't say anything dumb.

• They never cough without covering their mouths. Mostly because I've never seen a dog cough.
• They never try and one up your story. They just listen and reflect.

• Their ears.

• They don't troll people on the Internet for no reason. Dogs think it's mean and petty. Also, they would much rather do other things such as go for a walk.

• They never clap at the end of movies or when the plane lands.

• They are sure not to leave toothpaste around the sink.

• They never bore you with crap stories about their dream last night or a conversation they had with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

• They are far better at snuggling.

• They will never complain about what you're watching on TV.

• They never shame you for leaving an assignment until the last minute. Instead, they sit up with you all night.

• When you drop food they clean it up like a vacuum cleaner.

• Their eyes.

• When you tell them stuff they don't find some awkward way of relating it back to their life so that they can resume speaking about themselves.

• If you're late, they're not a dick about it.

• No human is ever that excited to sit next to you on the lounge.

• They are never, ever in a bad mood.

• A human would probably never forgive you for tying them up and attempting to clean them with cold water and some old Pantene.

• They love being part of your family more than, literally, everyone else.

• Even though you know they would be quite useless if a big scary murderer broke into your house, they still make you feel safe.

• Let's just say, Donald Trump isn't a dog.

If I keep going, I fear I may never stop.

So in conclusion, dogs are better than humans because... everything.

Why do you think dogs are better than humans?

Featured image: iStock